HCwDB
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Friday, January 26, 2007
Shlub No More
The Shlub writes in:
hey im the guy with the two pics on your site the shlub guy with memphis monroe the pornstar i reaaaaaaaaaaallly dont like it when you just let people you dont dont know let you have those pics please take them down and i really hatethe comments later
Well, since he “reaaaaaaaaaaallly dont like it,” then I dedicate this oily greasebag on the left here to haunt his shlubby-ass dreams.
Feel free to tell him what you think of his wussy-ass douchitude in the comments thread.
Friday, January 26, 2007Sheer Madness
I don’t quite know what the backstory is in this travesty of a pic. I do know that my future ex-wife is being ‘bag headlocked by a furry garden gnome with a bright red plastic earring and some inexplicable stain that is either self applied lipstick or a runaway herpes sore. Adidas putz on the right rounds out the scrotey fumes.
I want to extricate these two sisterly blonde cuties immediately, but I’m convinced this vaguely Lenny Bruce looking turd might try to eat my brains.
I do have to say ladies, the see-through sheer top is absolutely painful in all the right ways. The DB1 likes. Oh yes he does.
Thursday, January 25, 2007The Shlub II
PIC DELETED
I can’t tell if this is a real guy or a cardboard cut-out that hotties carry around with them to scare away flies.
Either way this pudgy middle aged scrote hovers somewhere in that gray zone where he’s clearly human on a number of distinctive levels. He has arms. He has two eyes. He even has a chin (or three.) And yet I can’t comprehend that he and I share the same genus, let alone same species.
She is all sorts of barbie doll goodness. Her fleshy abs promise rainbow dreams with 3D unicorns and a wizard named Tim.
His fleshy abs raped Dakota Fanning.
Thursday, January 25, 2007Jesus Christ Doucherstar
Forget the acrylic diamond studded cross. This unholy scrote’s shirt is like Jesus Bling to the 10th Power. It is the douche-Jesus himself.
Because nothing says fidelity to the Holy Trinity like ‘bag headlocks, popped collars and shaved facial pubes.
As to the ball of inflated goodness, God damn I’d like to virgin those Marys.
Thursday, January 25, 2007Cubist 'Bag
Look at this utter scrote. Busting ‘bag headlock position #05, he’s mauling his hottie so badly she’s turning abstract before our eyes. It’s like this skeezy wank represents a profound shift in the douchebag plague. Ushing in a new era of douchebaggery signification far removed from the literal bling/collar look of earlier douchebag movements grounded in a literalist and realist aesthetic.
I would dip my brush in primary color paint and make bold strokes just for the chance to canvas this hottie’s outline. I’ve always had a thing for the cubist librarian look.
Not to mention that fantastic cleavite in the middle there.
Thursday, January 25, 2007Bug Juice
In the October 1976 the Rodale Organic Gardening and Farming magazine reported the use of ‘bug juice’ by a commercial farmer. He reported a cost saving of $5,000 per annum on his chemical bills and that after three years no further applications were required.
I kg of insects will treat 30 Ha.
Liquefy the bugs (slugs, caterpillars etc.) in a blender with about 1/3 the volume of water. Strain and use 4-5 ml per 100 l water.
Fermenting slugs after killing them with dry sugar also works. The dehydrated slugs are put in a container of water in a warm place for a few days, strained, diluted and sprinkled around the garden.
Various theories abound as to why this works: natural pathogens, attraction of predators, confusion of insect communication systems (they rely a lot on pheremones which are detected by smell).
Wednesday, January 24, 2007Tater Tots
Since we’ve been on a Mandana kick lately, here’s a nice greasy ‘Bag Sandwich that’ll chew like week old gristle scraped off a year old grill.
Taste that squishy douche bread with that fantastic jelly center. Mmm, mmm good.
I would massacre a Lexus full of penguins for the pleasure of tongue washing that blue garment. She is, how you say,… good.
And then there’s the bi-Mug stereophonic douche orchestration that makes my psyche’s metaphorical eardrums bleed.
Muscle tees and 80s Adidas tracksuits. The Class of Douche ‘Em High makes me want to chew on a plastic spork until my tater tots get icy cold. And by “tater tots” I mean, well, those tasty tater tots you get in a school lunch. What’d you think I meant? Mmm… tater tots.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007Mega Man
Ah, Mega Man. How far you have fallen since your heyday on Nintendo’s NES system. I used to watch you battle blocks of primary colors with small balls of other primary colors while melodic three chord tones sang your praises from my T.V. speaker.
Now I watch you douchebag.
Oh, Mega Man, tell me it isn’t true. Tell me that your “Behind the Music” cliche fall from grace after the Playstation was released didn’t lead you to this sorry state you now find yourself in. Cashing in on your late 80s fame and hoping you can still get the occasional hottie like The Feldman or The Haim.
Say it ain’t so, Mega Man.
You were glorious in your prime. A digital pixelated killing machine. And now you are scrote. And with it, another hero of my childhood dies. Like Alan Thicke and Screech, you are my post-modern media saturated Rosebud sled. I weep for you Mega Man, because I weep for my lost childhood.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007Belly 'Bag
Okay, new rule of ‘bagdom: The neck star tatt automatically jumps a scrote two spaces forward and one space to the right on the douchebag chessboard.
This wank better have a record deal. Otherwise I might have to shave that faux Rod Stewart nest with a blunt spoon, then sing medieval Gregorian chants with a hip-hop beat until hottie is forced to pat my bottom with talcum powder.
Hey, I like having my bottom patted with talc. What, like you’ve never had a hottie pat your bottom with some Johnson&Johnson product.
It’s not even the neck tatt that bothers me. When did pinky rings replace the upturned collar in the douche pit of scrote?
Wednesday, January 24, 2007HCwD of the Week: The Mug
In keeping with the basic mission statement (not a memo) of this site, most voters went with the muggy visage of this classic back-in-black douchebag. As Art of the Douche puts it in the comments thread: Sometimes, you cannot beat the basics. I guess the mandana on an eight-head holding back a nuclear explosion of scrote hair will do that to ya.
Both cuties have that “too young to get in the club but the bouncer’s dating their best friend” look. And really, is 19 too young to be doing body shots with a steaming stubbly load like Ranky McGoo here?
Uhm, yes. Yes it is.
As douche von fag puts it (and nice name there, DvF):
Oh Mug douche, how would I kick you, let me count the ways … First, I’d plant my steel capped boot firmly between your legs. I’d say I’d plant it on your ‘nads but I’m not sure if they’re to be found there. Then, as you bend over, I’d steel-cap your hideous visage, hopefully knocking the mandana off of that tumor that’s growing on your shoulders. After another kick in the ‘nad area, I’d step behind you, take four steps back, two to the side, and boot your ass from 55yds out Jason Elam-style.
Nicely done, DvF. As Indiane Douche and the last Douchebage puts it (what’s a “douchebage” btw?):
Number 3: The Mug. He’s got it all. He looks like he’s taken lessons from Donkey Douche on how to get his hair to stick up so far. He’s got the ginormous mandana. Excessive amounts of bling. The facial pubes, the sneer and the coked out look in his eyes. His hotties are respectable, especially blondie with the “I want you” look in her eye. Sadly, she doesn’t want me, she wants this creature. And possibly his other hottie at the same time as well. I may cry.
Don’t cry, Indy.
I thought Fraggle Choad would get more love (and by “love” I mean “upchuck”), but Amerigo Verdouchey explains why F.C. didn’t get the votes:
The sumtuous peach with Fraggle is not your everyday hottie. She is special. Smoking hot with just a touch of sweet innocence. The problem is Fraggle doesn’t make me want to kick his butt. As another altruistic db put it, I’m almost happy for the guy.
How “happy” are ya now that I posted F.C. #2, Amerigo?
Well, congrats to The Mug for entering the hallowed HCwD of the Week Winner’s Circle. Although we all know Donkey Douche will take that mug down O.J. style in the HCwD of the Month contest, allow this greased up toad his moment of inglory.
