HCwDB
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Friday, December 18, 2009
Celebrity HCwDB Couple of the Year: Tigerpud and The Nanny
Yeah, probably an obvious choice. But I like to keep the HCwDB topical around here.
At first I was gonna go with Brian Austin Green and Megan Fox. Especially since his initials spell “BAG.” But then I realized that Brian Austin Green isn’t a celebrity.
So I settled on Woodsbag and Elin Gutmundsdaughter.
Granted, Tiger doesn’t look or act douchey. But that run of whorin’ is so skankerific, especially when his wife is this hott, that they have to get the 2009 Douchie Award.
And she is Nordic glorious. Her DNA pleases Joseph Mengele and sails to Greenland in a Viking rucksack.
Of course, I probably should’ve given it to Criss Angel for the second year in a row. For that man sucks alpaca teat.
But this year, it’s another trophy for Tiger. And, in HCwDB awards, he’s leading Nicklaus 1-0.
Thursday, December 17, 2009The Yellowtail: The Leatherbag
This year’s Douchie Award for the year’s scrotiest Oldbag keepin’ on keepin’ on is named in honor of the legendary Yellowtail.
And it goes to the creepy undies poke and Sonny Bono vest wearing The Leatherbag, from October. The Leatherbag made two more disturbing appearances here and here. Yeesh. Nice undies poke, Dad.
Shriveled mention to The 70s Record Producer ‘Bag and Marty Oldbag.
Thursday, December 17, 2009Most Likely to be a Part of the HCwDB Show at the Guggenheim Museum in 2023: "Pool Pear"
From April. I dub this piece, “Pool Pear.” It will be centrally featured at my first major gallery show at New York’s Guggenheim museum in 2023. I will be hailed as the first neopostmodern classicist. Even though I am not the first. Which is the point.
I will not sully its composition by placing a 2009 Douchie Award graphic on it, but it is our 2009 Douchie Winner.
I have carefully calibrated its composition to display elements of Ass Pear, hidden Waldouche, and existential query into the meaningless circuity of life within our fragmented post-human framework.
Other works to be included in my gallery show will include Ass Pear in Chains, Still Life with Wheelbarrow,and FratsnHotts Playing Pool.
Thursday, December 17, 2009Most Likely to be a Part of the HCwDB Show at the Guggenheim Museum in 2023: “Pool Pear”
From April. I dub this piece, “Pool Pear.” It will be centrally featured at my first major gallery show at New York’s Guggenheim museum in 2023. I will be hailed as the first neopostmodern classicist. Even though I am not the first. Which is the point.
I will not sully its composition by placing a 2009 Douchie Award graphic on it, but it is our 2009 Douchie Winner.
I have carefully calibrated its composition to display elements of Ass Pear, hidden Waldouche, and existential query into the meaningless circuity of life within our fragmented post-human framework.
Other works to be included in my gallery show will include Ass Pear in Chains, Still Life with Wheelbarrow,and FratsnHotts Playing Pool.
Thursday, December 17, 2009Smells Like Poo: Poo
Particles of turd and a well earned 2009 Douchie Award for HCwDB bronzer legend, Poo.
Now someone please flush.
Thursday, December 17, 2009Douchiest 'Bagcessory: Blackberry Bob's Forearm Blackberry
A well annoyed 2009 Douchie Award for September’s Blackberry Bob.
Toss in the ginormous S/M watch, and Blackerry Bob is all that is scrotey about Wall Street assholes in the Hamptons.
Now give me five minutes with B.B.’s girlfriend’s abs in a dark water closet with only a flashlight and a can of Spam to guide me.
Thursday, December 17, 2009Douchiest ‘Bagcessory: Blackberry Bob’s Forearm Blackberry
A well annoyed 2009 Douchie Award for September’s Blackberry Bob.
Toss in the ginormous S/M watch, and Blackerry Bob is all that is scrotey about Wall Street assholes in the Hamptons.
Now give me five minutes with B.B.’s girlfriend’s abs in a dark water closet with only a flashlight and a can of Spam to guide me.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009Douchiest Hat Tilt: Bucky
The 2009 Douchie Award for Douchiest Hat Tilt wasn’t even close.
Since the Buckster didn’t make it all the way to the finals, Bucky’s tiltorama wins in a tilt-o-whirl of ‘bag as a consolation prize.
Because that thing is levitating on some crazy four dimensional Richard Feynman boson particle sort of muon/lepton quark.
And because I love looking at Kathy smile.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009Douchiest Douchebaguette: Lips McGee
Let us not forget the award for Female Douche, aka Douchebaguette, aka The Bleeth Award, who we’ll give to Lips McGee from November.
We’ve had other Bleeth candidates, like The Tatt Vortex, Rufus Veinwright’s Jerz Bleeth, Tilt Tuesday and The Bleethy Brunette.
But kissy lips, finger gesture and a D&G bracelet? An otherwise hott hottie displays signs of terminal Bleeth infection, and wins the 2009 Douchie Award.
Also a (dis)honorable mention goes out to the YouTube of The Girl Who Makes the Same Face in Every Pic.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009Douchiest New 'Bag Trend: Groin Shave Reveal
In 2008, it was Doggie ‘Baggin’.
This year, it’s the far more odious practice of shaved crotch reveal as part of ‘bag posing with hott.
We’ve seen it with Weekly winner Robopud, Hucky Sheen, and, of course, mercifully mostly cropped out The Bagpoleon Complex.
The need for the male to now prove his metrosexual cleanliness by revealing shorn testes area through pants drop is well worth a 2009 Douchie Award.
And acid in my eyes, followed by months of therapy to make this crisis of masculinity in the age of the spectacle fade from memory as soon as possible.
