HCwDB
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Sunday, December 6, 2009
B4-4 Gets Ready for the 2009 Douchies
Because watching crypto-gay greased up Canadian douchewanks teach a young black kid about the benefits of ignoring homeless men in favor of partying on a beach, while singing to him about the importance of reciprocal oral sex, just never gets old.
Saturday, December 5, 2009The 2009 Douchies Start On Monday
December 7th, 2009.
A date that will live in poofamy.
Yeah I’m pimping this worse than a cow with rickets trying to dunk a basketball.
No idea what that means.
Saturday, December 5, 2009Ask DB1: Use of the term "Hater"
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Hey db1, quick question for ya,
It is basically an unspoken rule that anyone who says or calls anyone else a “hater” is a huge douchebag, right? Like, even if they don’t look douchey, that one spoken term condemns them to autoscrote?
Aside from being the go-to insult from the mouths of choads everywhere when they feel slighted, it just sounds retarded. It’s vaguely reminiscent of school children on the playground saying, “Liar liar, pants on fire!” or calling one another a “tattle-tailer.”
What say you?
-Douche of Arabia
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Yes, D of A, and an excellent point. There are three descending levels of auto-douche conferred upon using the word hater.
Level 1 — Simply using the word in any way, shape or form to refer in an abstract sense to those who might disagree or criticize something.
Level 2 — Using the word ironically, in a self-aware hipster variation.
Level 3 — Using the word in an email or text, but spelling it “hatter.”
Saturday, December 5, 2009Ask DB1: Use of the term “Hater”
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Hey db1, quick question for ya,
It is basically an unspoken rule that anyone who says or calls anyone else a “hater” is a huge douchebag, right? Like, even if they don’t look douchey, that one spoken term condemns them to autoscrote?
Aside from being the go-to insult from the mouths of choads everywhere when they feel slighted, it just sounds retarded. It’s vaguely reminiscent of school children on the playground saying, “Liar liar, pants on fire!” or calling one another a “tattle-tailer.”
What say you?
-Douche of Arabia
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Yes, D of A, and an excellent point. There are three descending levels of auto-douche conferred upon using the word hater.
Level 1 — Simply using the word in any way, shape or form to refer in an abstract sense to those who might disagree or criticize something.
Level 2 — Using the word ironically, in a self-aware hipster variation.
Level 3 — Using the word in an email or text, but spelling it “hatter.”
Friday, December 4, 2009Friday Thoughts and Links
Where’s Santa Claus? On the hottie/douchey horizon.
But not before the 2009 Douchie Awards have been fully celebrated.
Here’s your Friday Links:
You know what would make a great stocking stuffer and holiday gift this season? The HCwDB book, of course.
Buy it. Yeah you. Mister or Missus “I’ll Get Around To It” who’s been reading the site for free for years. Pony up, scroteface.
Cat Hardy goes trolling for pussy.
The Wall Street Journal tries to stay hip with the kids by describing the man cleavage phenomenon. If the WSJ really wants to track douchebags, they can start with their editorial department. Using fifty cent words to deny science still means you’re an idiot.
It seems like a ton of sites on the interwebs are jumping on the Funny Oompa Loompa Orange Guy photos bandwagon. Just remember where it all started.
PeeWee’s Playhouse just got weird once they adapted it for B.E.T.
Cleveland Indians center fielder Grady Sizemore puts in a late play for Douchiest Athlete of the Year. (warning, baseball bat nearly visible)
Anyone who thinks the war on scrotebaggery is over, think again.
And if that Ed Hardy link depressed you, here’s your cheer up:
Froth Pear, and More Froth Pear.
And Ass Pear: The Movie.
(look for the brilliant use of Eisensteinian Soviet-Montage at 1:20)
Mmm… chompy.
Friday, December 4, 2009Reader Mail: The Kids Hate Ed Hardy
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O.K DB1,
Either you have an illegitimate son here in Philadelphia, or your influence is spreading down through grade school.
Here’s a conversation I just heard between two 7 year old boys who were walking home from school as I was heading back to work:
Kid #1: Do you know who I hate? Ed Hardy!
Kid #2: I don’t know who that is.
Kid #1: Ed Hardy is a draw-er. He draws on clothes and the clothes cost $500 apiece. And you know what? The drawings are stupid. The people who buy them are REALLY stupid.
Kid #2: I hate Ed Hardy too!
There you have it. I swear on a stack of the ubiquitous red cups that’s how it went down. Isn’t your faith in human nature redeemed? Near, far, whereever douche are, I know that the mock will go on!
Love always,
Fermay La Douche
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This is good news from the children’s front, thanks for the update F.La.D. However Ed Hardy will simply mutate (as it did from Von Dutch) in a few years, so we must remain ever vigilant and continue to mock it’s douchey ass wherever we find it.
Friday, December 4, 2009Don't Call Them Guidos
Ah, dude, the preferred nomenclature is “Jerz Guid Scrotepud.”
Don’t Call Them Guidos
Ah, dude, the preferred nomenclature is “Jerz Guid Scrotepud.”
Friday Haiku
Crowhawk eyebrow wax,
Velvet Rick James Superfreaks,
Asian Doll’s soul weeps.
Dong the Magic Pawn
Has ship anchor around neck
Keel haul douche pirates
— Crucial Head
Anyone for hoops?
Drop a trey through my ear hoop
for buzzer beater.
-noobbag
Dork flashes west-side,
Patrick Ewing grimaces.
Run away, Tia!
— Bag A
Golden clad tape worm
Hangs around, seeking some crumbs
Before heading home.
— Teddy Tendergrass
Hey Bro’ Cash For Gold
Would fund many Hennesey
And the cabfare home
— Vin Douchal
Thursday, December 3, 2009Pietro says "Challo!"
Pietro doesn’t have many overt greasy eurobag signifiers. But you can smell the poopie diaper through your monitor anyway.
Vixen Maria is fooled by his charming accent and vague scent of Tuscan butter cremes.
Which is really poopie diaper.
Yup.
Today I like typing “poopie diaper.”
Tomorrow, I may like typing something else.
