Lawn Giland
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Monday, March 14, 2016
DJ Hand Palzee Rocks Au Pair Krista
Don’t judge.
Sometimes Sammy Markowitz needs a break from his middle management job at Glen Cove Key Foods.
So he takes that volunteer DJ job at the Westchester YMCA on Tuesdays from 8-10. He calls himself ‘DJ Hand PAlzee.’ Because his hands. They have the palsy. And because, hey, free hot wings.
Besides. Sammy never knows. Maybe he’ll get lucky and meet one of those wayward European au pairs being exploited by upper middle class Port Washington two income families under the guise of ‘education internships.’
And so, on this Tuesday, Sammy gets lucky. He meets Krista.
It’s her one day off after another 80 hour week providing childcare for ‘Brynn,’ ‘Kaelynn,’ and ‘Dylan-Hunterr.’ She’s entitled to a drink.
Sammy’s just finished spinning a song by the Weeknd. It turns out the Weeknd can’t feel his face. It’s about cocaine. So it’s edgy.
The song ends and Sammy pays for Krista’s Bud Light Lime.
“Danke!” she says.
He says “What’sup, Bae? You lookin’ fine!”
She doesn’t speak much English and so ignores his awkward, quasi-racist appropriation of hip hop culture. But Krista smiles politely anyway. Like Homer Simpson when he met the Smashing Pumpkins.
And all is copacetic in the echo chambers of suburban youth confusion.
Monday, January 13, 2014Two People You Never, Ever Want to Have Dinner With
No, not even pot luck.
And by pot luck, I mean groin unlucky.
And by groin unlucky, I mean you will acquire an STD if you perform coitus.
Thursday, December 19, 2013A Whole Lotta Boing
With a little Faulkner thrown in for good measure.
Thursday, November 21, 2013Suburban Gangsta Joe is Totally Gangsta
Little known fact about throwing gang signs in outer Long Island when surrounded by loving friends and family: It makes you a douchescrote.
Wait.
That’s actually a well known fact.
I’d also like to welcome the long time fans of HCwDB over at Girls Gone Wild who just bought an ad to help keep the site going. Show them some love. They’ve come a long way since whassisface left.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013Marty Crotchensack Hits the Community College Pool Area
Supple Pamela and Giggle Kelly are bemused by Marty’s K-Mart bling as they take a break from majoring in pre-med. Or is it pre-law?
Bonus points to anyone who can identify the flying alien spacecraft bong in the lower right of the pic.
Banksy? Is that you?
Thursday, July 11, 2013Purple Perry Hits on Hott Mom Cheryl at the PTA After-Party
C’mon, you always suspected that those boring, stodgy Parent-Teacher-Association meetings that your mom and dad used to go to on a Tuesday night in the gym at your school weren’t all about funding and after-school programs, right?
That’s because mom and dad never told you about the legendary PTA After-Parties.
I even heard that Mick and Keith once dropped into the Jefferson Elementary PTA After-Party in Decatur, Illinois one Tuesday back in ’78. They did blow with Mrs. Everly off a fold-out desk in the janitorial closet until 4am that night. It took the custodial staff three days to clean the puke stains out of the lunchroom rug after that shindig, I tell you.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013Car Self-Portraits With Camera Phones
Not just for the economic elites anymore.
And remember kids, when wearing a designer sleeveless rayon/cotton hybrid, the second, third and fifth button must remain unbuttoned for proper aesthetic achievement.
Angie prefers peppermint gum to spearmint.
Thursday, December 6, 2012Joey The Creepy Kid You Went to Basketball Camp With Mugs Hannah
Joey, The Creepy Kid You Went to Basketball Camp With, is all grown up now.
He lives in the garage over his parents house in Dix Hills, Long Island.
He works in a paint store.
He saves up for the weekends, where he blows all his cash on tattoos, Bud Light Limes, and betting the over on the Brooklyn Nets.
Sexy Mayan-Eye-of-Coitus Hannah may be in community college in Great Neck, but her dream to become a costume designer for Broadway shows (a dream ever since she first saw Avenue Q in high school) is still very much alive.
Or at least it was.
Because Hannah’s father, Mr. Glickenfeld, has fallen down on the father job because he’s been overworked at the office and tired lately.
And Joey’s taken advantage.
There’s not much we can do to stop this atrocity, except for mock from a safe distance. And hope Hannah takes that roommate share on the UWS asap.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012The Vulcans of Long Island
Is this the one when Kirk and Spock almost kiss?
Wednesday, October 24, 2012TRICK OR TREAT WITH VALTREX
Can all–temperature Cheer™ get that lingering smell of bleach and raw shrimp out of Umberto’s shiny, new khakis?
Umberto’s mom is about to find out.
You might want to give that umbrella a spritz, too.
