News
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Monday, July 2, 2012
Likes Sands in the Pearyglass…
This post was originially called “technical difficulties,” but now that I think I solved the crazy gremlins haunting this here ole’ website, we’se celebratin’.
How do we celebrate you ask?
With deep spiritual contemplation?
Nope.
With douchey cell phone bathroom self-portraits?
Nope.
With Champagne Katie in the Hamptons.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012Site Upgrading Continues…
In case you’ve noticed the site’s been a big buggy lately, sometimes going off-line, sometimes talking to me in a deep yet soothing monotone about playing a game of chess, I’mma updating the android sex slave robotics ’round here.
Gonna give this thing the Ferrari engine that powered Hoops to victory in One Crazy Summer.
Also gonna add a new personal blog where your humble narrator can rant about all things life and boobie hottie suckle thigh unrelated to douche mocking.
So hang in there.
And read the t-shirts.
For they explain all.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012Breaking: Marissa Miller Still Married to a Twatwaffle
Just as she was in January of 2011.
And May of 2009.
And February of 2008.
This coupling atrocity will always be breaking news. Until the inevitable Divorce or Bleething occurs.
Thursday, May 3, 2012"Sarah Phillips," ESPN, and the HCwDB Connection
Many of you may have read yesterday about the strange story of “Sarah Phillips,” a mysterious online freelance columnist for ESPN who was investigated for hiding her real identity, or something to that effect.
And here’s a followup story on the strange construction of the online persona of “Sarah Phillips” from the Bleacher Report.
Sarah Phillips was subsequently let go by ESPN after the story broke.
Turns out she has a bizarre connection to HCwDB.
You see, “Sarah” was featured in one of the more hilarious pics from 2010, “Mandarin Orange,” pictured here. Allegedly, “Sarah” is the hottie on the right.
Things were bopping along smoothly, until, in mid April of 2011, the following email came in to me from an email account named “Sylvia Sanchez:”
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Hello,
I was recently informed by my employer that my image appears on your website in three locations:
(–links–)
I never authorized my image to be used on your website. I understand the purpose of the website is for comedy, however, I work for a very strict company and this type of publicity has me on the verge of losing my job.
Please remove the images immediately. I appreciate it.
Thank you,
SP
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When I asked which person she was in the pic, to confirm it wasn’t a prank, I got the following:
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I am on the far right. I am the rightful owner of this image. Whoever sent you this image stole it from my old MySpace page. It was not sent by any of the 3 of us in the image—if someone claimed to be one of us, then I would like their contact information and I will follow up legally with them.
(–links–)
Please remove the images. I don’t want to make this a legal battle for no reason.
Thanks.
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This was followed by various hysterical legal threats and three more followups over the next two days, until I finally cropped her out of the pic. I’m only posting it again since it’s already up at DeadSpin.
Here was the initial post with the edited pic (without “SP”) now in place. Here was Mandarin Orange competing for the 2010 Douchie Award for Orangest Orange (also with the pic replaced by the edited version). And here’s another hilarious pic of Mandarin Orange for no reason other than he’s really, really orange.
Not sure what to make of any of this, but for those investigating the bizarre online journey of one “Sarah Phillips,” this should make an interesting contribution to the conspiracy theory timeline.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012Breaking: Wayne Gretzky's Daughter Dates a Hockey Puck
Daughter of hockey legend Wayne Gretzky, Paulina Gretzky’s continuing poor life choices require as many sarcastic quips as possible in one minute. Okay?… here we go…
Talk about illegally crossing the blue line!
Yeah, not quite. Lets try again…
If there’s one penalty Paulina understood, it was “too many men on the ice.”
Yeah… not so good. Keep going…
Penalty! Five for douching!
Later that night, Pedro made a Mark Messier on her belly!
As Pedro reminded her with a sultry whisper, some people call it “pulling the goalie.”
And by “lifting the cup,” Pedro meant his jockstrap.
Unfortunately, Pedro’s slap shot was blocked by a pad.
And… time.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012Breaking: Some Asian Hottie I've never heard of named Brenda Song is Dating Rocker Pudscrape
“Brenda Song” is her name. Douchescrape dating is her game.
Thursday, March 29, 2012HCwDB Turns 6!
Six in internet years is like a hundred and thirty in human years, and seven hundred and twelve in Lohan years.
Kinda makes me wonder what old friend The Gator is up to these days.
C’mon Gator, lets celebrate!
It’s just special to me that some of you still enjoy checking in on my daily douche mockings and hottie lustings. This site has dominated my life over the past six years. It’s brought me incredible joy, some cash, a book deal, a TV show that ran three seasons, a screenplay sale, and a whole new career I never saw coming. It’s introduced me to funny and sick readers around the world. At times it’s had some incredible stress too, but it has changed my life in was I never could’ve forseen when I registered it as a free blogspot blog one bored day at work lo those six years ago.
I’ll keep it going for as long as I can. Who know where that’ll lead.
Onward and upward.
And may you all enjoy tasty snack treats and alcoholism as much as I have these past six years.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012Breaking: April 2011 Playboy Playmate and All Natural Semitic Hottie Jaclyn Swedberg is Hott, Dates Douchebags
Not-so-famous Playboy model and potentially Semitic hottie, Jaclyn Swedberg, dates the douches.
Or perhaps that’s not breaking news at all.
Nor is it when Jaclyn Swedberg shames the Torah.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012R.I.P. BCS
It’s just been brought to my attention that a long time ‘bag hunter in the comments threads, one of the original mocking crew to emerge in 2007-2008, apparently passed away at the age of 28 about a year ago. He posted comments as “bcs” from 2007-2010. His last post was, appropriately enough, on the October 24th, 2010 post, The Gator Transcends.
This is terrible news, and I apologize for interrupting regular ‘bag mocking to bring it. But it is important that we honor BCS’s last words, for they are HCwDB ‘bag mocking genius poetry:
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someone slather this crustacean with garlic butter and let plinky’s mom have at it
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bcs was one of us.
Here’s bcs’s Facebook page, and a website he used to run, now run in his honor. Contrary to popular belief, his pseudonym was not a reference to the college football association, but was just his initials. I don’t know what bcs died of, and frankly it doesn’t matter.
I guess if you run a site long enough, these sorts of things are bound to happen. HCwDB has permanently sponsored bcs’s Legacy.com site to honor his memory, so feel free to leave any tributes, but keep it tasteful (even if bcs wouldn’t have wanted you to).
I’ll pour out some Night Train from my U.R.C. tonight in your honor, bcs. May you be playfully mocking Pumpy in the sky tonight, and hitting on his girlfriend when he’s busy pumping clouds. Wait, that didn’t sound right. And yet I know bcs would’ve approved of one final Pumpy reference. R.I.P. bcs. You will be missed.
Monday, March 19, 2012Ed Hardy and the Bleething of a Supermodel
For those hotts who have not heeded the warning I outlined in my book describing the Grieco/Bleeth path, let the tragic tale of Ed Hardy supermodel Simone Farrow offer yet another reminder.
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An Australian swimsuit model accused of being the boss of a global drugs ring — and wanted for fleeing $150,000 bail — was arrested after almost a month on the run.
Former Penthouse Pet and Ed Hardy beach babe Simone Farrow was extradited to Sydney on Wednesday night after her arrest at a cheap hotel on the Gold Coast Highway in eastern Australia.
Accused of trafficking “ice” in bags of bath salts from a plush Hollywood high-rise, Farrow broke down and pleaded her innocence on arrival at Sydney airport.
Flanked by two federal police officers, Farrow, 37, who has at least 19 aliases and a long-lost teenage daughter, claimed she only fled interstate because “someone was trying to murder me.”
Farrow has now been remanded in custody on charges which include the alleged 2009 drug operation. By skipping bail, Farrow put at risk $150,000 surety put up by a Sydney barrister and a flamboyant doctor.
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Hmmm… Australian barristers and flamboyant doctors. Whom has this suckle pooch been cohabiting with?
Farrow herself explains the toxic role of HCwDB cohabit in aiding her downfall:
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“I’ve been in … relationships with numerous underworld figures or whatever you want to call them and I feel that maybe they feel threatened by my situation,” she told The Sunday Telegraph.
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Here, we call them ‘bags.
Let this be a warning: Hotts who wear Ed Hardy are on the road to Bleethdom.
