News
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Thursday, March 1, 2012
The Breitbart Dies
Two weeks ago, the raging gasbag known as the Breitbart was our Honorary Douchebag of the Month.
I try not to make sarcastic cracks about the recently deceased, especially those with kids. But I’ll reserve mourning for those who deserve it.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011Honorary Douchebag of the Month: Brett Ratner
For those who are fans of cinema, you probably haven’t heard of Brett Ratner.
Ratner directs blobby things of image and sound that I prefer to call “Poovies.” Semicoherent rabbles of mediocrity that glow with the shameful spectacle of money polished by rat turd.
This rank preening choad of Hollywood obsequiousness and spineless studio hackery was fired from directing the Oscars yesterday for proving his douchebag status by quoting Shakepespeare when he said “rehearsing is for fags.”
Lame fratboy machismo, even buried under a mountain of undeserved Hollywood cash, can’t diminsh the stench of Axe bodyspray and empty cans of Four Loko in the back of a limo covered with various sundry body fluids.
Here’s to you, Ratnerbag.
Now go screw up a remake of “80s Box Office Hit #43.”
And in honor of Family Circus creator Bil Keane having died today, here’s a rant I ranted from back in 2007 that I’m particularly proud of: Why Jeffy is ‘Bag. Back in the stone age when mocking douchebag culture was just something I did on my blog.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011Breaking: Someone Named Brenda Song Gets Engaged to Some Herpster
ehcuodouche writes in with news of barely legal Asian Hott Brenda Song getting engaged to Billy Ray Jr. or something:
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A sad day for me, as uberhott Asian goddess Brenda Song has gotten engaged to an uberdouche Cyrus spawn…apparently because he knocked her up. I blame Disney. Nothing else can explain how such a sweet young woman can so embarrass her ancestors. Attached is a pic of the “herpy” couple.
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I don’t know who any of these people are, but I do know they are silly people. And that if L.A. Radio plays “Pumped Up Kicks” one more time, I’ll set Silverlake on fire.
Thursday, September 22, 2011Breaking: New York Preppiebag Goes Bankrupt
File under “Unexpected Benefits from the Economic Recession“:
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Dear DB1,
I just read about this Douche Turd for the first time. He’s a wannabe NYC preppy/player who has no money – no job – no nuthin, AND he’s in debt for $160,000!!! Love it!
Enjoy!
Signed,
Pfft
Mostly a lurker, occasional poster
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We featured this clown macking on hotties a few years ago and, if memory serves, he wrote in with a series of whines and legal threats until I took his pictures down.
Heh. Turns out that high end pockets don’t pay the bills like they used to. Schadenfreude, indeed. Puppets? Sing this clown off stage left.
Thursday, September 8, 2011Reader Mail: The Kadebag Gets a Job
Sergeant Scrote Stain reports in from the front with a report on an old uberdouche, Arthur Kade:
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‘Tis been a while DB1.
As a wildly undeserving member of the Hall of Mock, it is incumbent upon me to shed light onto one of the more hilarious happenings of my past month, or three… or year (who really knows, my life isn’t all that exciting).
There was a time in the storied run of “Hot Chicks with Douchebags” in which a colossal Pud-Giant rose to scrotastic heights that even Jason Beinlich – i.e Stackhouse, for you non-stalkers – dared not touch. This man brought forth a stench of vanity rivaled only by Saddam Hussein’s left testicle, the immortal Arthur Kade.
For those of you who missed the epicenter of pudwhackery that was Kade, rest assured, he is the wretched stench of egotistical douche personified. His website is a treasure trove of unintentional comedy, just classic stuff.
Anyways, as the seasoned Baghunters are aware, Kade’s antics grew tired and we left his bloated gel-enhanced mug behind for fresh sources of douchetastic entertainment (as we always do. Except in Fish Slap’s case. We do not tire of his reek. And by the way, F&#K Fish Slap!).
But Authur Kade is back. And oh god, is it with a vengeance.
I was hanging out in the living room at my Mom’s house watching some TV with the family on Labor Day, because that’s what we hatters do. My Mom is really into murder mystery and true crime shows, because, of course, we’re a family of morbid sickos. And an especially horrific program came on Discovery – Investigation and Discover. The show is called, “Who the Bleep Did I Marry,”
Here’s a quick synopsis of Michael Mastromarino’s life achievements: After losing his licence to practice dentistry, because he was a drug addict who was stealing drugs from his own clinic, then shooting up in the bathroom, then performing procedures on unsuspecting patients, Mr. Mastromarino was forced to find a new source of income. So, he started his own biomedical company that delivered donated body parts to hospitals for surgeries and studies. The only problem was that Michael was stealing the bodies and illegally harvesting their organs and fraudulently selling off the booty. This guy was a real winner. And of course, is now serving a life sentence.
Why does this matter? Well, because in any documentary type show, you have to reenact the story. And who played the infamous body snatcher? That’s right, Aurthur Kade. HOW F%@CKING PERFECT!
As the show started, I kept thinking, “I know that face, I know that guy… IT”S AUTHUR KADE… AHAHAHAHA!!!!” (That was my exact thought process, which took at least four minutes too long due to my intoxication).
Sometimes, society just gets it right.
Lates,
Sergeant Scrote Stain
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The Kadebag will undoubtedly love the attention (any attention) that no-talent hack can find. Still, it looks like that QVC Audition Tape finally paid off.
Thursday, August 4, 2011Breaking: Football non-legend Jeff Reed Still Has A Job
In breaking sports news, defending two time Douchiest Athlete of the Year (2009 and 2010) and former Pittsburgh Steelers layabout, Jeff Reed has been signed by The Seattle Seahawks, bringing his patented brand of doucheclownery to the Pacific Northwest.
The Reedbag first became noted for drunken, shirtless barbaggery back in 2007. Reed Vegased it up in 2008, and his career peaked with his Tom Hanks like back-to-backs at the 2009 and 2010 Douchie Awards.
And here we thought baseballer Brian Wilson of the S.F. Giants, The Jets’ Mark Sanchez, NHL’er Brandon Prust or Dallas Cowboy’s Dez Bryant might have a shot.
Looks like the Reedbag could go for the NFL Douche Trifecta, a run of douchebaggery not seen in the league since early 90s Deon Sanders.
And in sad football news, R.I.P to the great football player and star of the “Police Academy” movies, Bubba Smith. Here’s hoping the great Hightower will finally get time to tend to his florist shop in the sky.
Monday, June 13, 2011Dubai ‘Bag Laughs at You
Remember kids:
Every time you fill up your car with gasoline, you help another greasy Dubai douchebag order overpriced bottle service for the ladies.
Go electric.
It’s not just about the environment.
It’s about defunding douchebag nightlife.
This P.S.A. brought to you by Partnership For a Douchebag Free Environment (PFDFE). (Pronounced “Pufadefe”)
Tuesday, June 7, 2011Honorary Douchebag of the Month: The Weinerbag
Ya know, I would almost be forgiving of the Congressman’s online genitalia pics simply for busting the best Jewfro I’ve seen since my best friend Benji’s Bar Mitzvah in 1987.
But we gotta have standards around here. And The Weiner Story is well deserving.
Sending pictures of his python to ladies online is autobag.
I have no idea in what world men think women want to see pictures of their package. Most girls respond with a resigned sigh and a bored, vacant look. I mean, so I’ve been told.
Here’s your Douchebag of the Month award, Weiner. Now if you’re smart, you’ll get a job promoting Viagra like Dole did.
Monday, May 30, 2011Peter Pumpinhead and Mary Mamm Wish You a Happy and Pensive Memorial Day
Your humble narrator has officially returned.
Refreshed.
Revived.
Refried.
Poached and sunnyside up. Back from my spiritual quest through the West Andes, Uttar Pradesh, the Adirondacks and the second floor of Macy’s in search of new socks.
A noble and far reaching quest in which I meditated, ruminated and micturated on the subject of hottie/douchey transendentalgism.
But first I must pay homage to the legendary and superb work of the master ‘bagger who held down the fort in my absence, DarkSock.
As the site continues to grow, I hope more ‘bag hunters can join me on the mainpage and continue the fight to mock the choadscrote and lust their hottie’s suckle thigh.
Also major props to all regs who contributed posts in my absence. Your hilarious work helped push me on my journey and brought about spiritual enlightenment from the Rashi God Shard that came to me in my fever dreams and visionquest.
Tomorrow, the mock resumes full-speed.
For there are douches to be collectively ridiculed.
And boobies to be appreciated.
And therein the dialectics of Truth occur. At the cusp of the generative event horizon of phenomenological perception. Where the limitations and impermeability of cohesive language ends, the semiotics of images begin, and the Lacanian lack reflects Ourselves back to us, mediated and transformed as the Other becomes the Self. And the virtual mirror of primal perception returns archetypal truth once again.
Sunday, May 15, 2011The DB1 Goes on Walkabout
Fellow hunters and huntresses, your humble narrator is embarking on a mystic and meditative roundabout for the next few weeks.
A contemplative hunt for the elusive Grieco Quark, the Kabbalah described ‘Bag Shard that Rashi and Maimonides once spoke of. The douchal revelation that ties the universe together and marks transcendent hottie/douchey dialectic.
During my temporary walkabout, the site will be run by #1 Grasshopper and Supreme ‘Bag Hunter, the legend that is DarkSock, along with able assistance from a number of other regs.
Treat him well. His font will be blue. His wit, rapier.
Carrying only mead wine, rice cakes and led by an ancient, wizened Uraguayan guide named “Tim,” I will ride throuh alpaca country armed only with my wits, trail mix, and a gummi bear slingshot for protection.
I will be back shortly.
In the meantime, your temporary leader, ‘Sock, will guide you.
Treat him well. For the ‘bag mock and hottie lust must continue, unabated, in my absence.
