Oldbag

    Wednesday, March 30, 2011

    Mister Zebracrotch

    Interesting footnote to history, Pablo Picasso was originally nicknamed “Mister Zebracrotch.” But Pablo Picasso was never called an asshole.

    The Orangenesss is strong in Granddaughter Karnie. She must resist the genetic impulse, or rampant boatbaggery will soon ensue.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, February 16, 2011

    Here Comes the Spiker, Doo doo doo doo…

    From June of last year we’ve been monitoring aging, broken-down rocker douche haunting the clubs in search of tasty barely legal pahoitytoit.

    But we do not judge The Spiker for oggling tasty barely legal pahoitytoit.

    We judge him for spreading toxic skull grease in presence of stunning Librarian Hott Lauren.

    Yes, you, Librarian Hott Lauren. Your Mayan Eye of Coitus sends ladybugs into spontaneous fits of addled joy and spontaneous combust. I would only hesistantly thigh massage and brief suckle until you grew weary of my efforts, and then I would run off to cry for the crisis of meaning in a world caught in transnational geoglobal crisis until you called a cab and deleted me from your cell phone.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, February 16, 2011

    Che Tattvara

    Viva la stupid tatt revolucion!!

    And la undies poke!

    Mmm… Cross Eyed Katie on the verge of turning sexy mom-like but still doesn’t realize it… how I’d Marxist her Trotskys from many different Engels.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, January 28, 2011

    Old Man, Look at your Life

    I’m not a lot like you were.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, January 25, 2011

    Grampa Joel Wins

    There are oldbags like Marvin, from yesterday, whom we mock for trying to douche it up like the kids.

    And then there’s Grandpa Joel.

    Who wins.

    Because he’s still out there.

    Hell, he’s still alive and lovin’ boobies. Have a full and complete nottadouche pass, Grampa Joel. Go in peace, and may your Metamuscil be fast acting.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Monday, January 24, 2011

    Party Dad Marvin Relives His Youth

    Marvin looks like he’s probably the nice kind of dad. The kind that took you for ice cream along with his son after soccer practice.

    So what the hell is Marvin doing douching it up Vegas style in the pool with Gnaw Party Melinda? Bling, sunglasses and, worst of all, Michelob Ultra?

    Marvin is Oldbag. The signifiers are unforgivable.

    In fact I think Harold’s priest from “Harold and Maude” needs to make the final statement on this pic.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, January 11, 2011

    “Hey Timmy! Your Dad Was a Creepy Licker Douche!”

    Poor Unborn Timmy.

    In the future, he’ll be born. He’ll grow up. Then his sleepover buddy will find this pic in a photo album, in 2019, and then the rest of the kids on the schoolyard will call him a “Son of a Douche” for months and months on end.

    And little Timmy will tearfully ask, “Dad? Is it true you were once a creepy-ass roided out douchewank who licked mom’s ears like a human Q-tip?”

    Think before you douche, imminent moms and dads. The subsequent damage could ripple through the generations like an ancestral riptide.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, January 4, 2011

    No Shirty For Oldbag

    “Out in them foothills, that’s where we find what a makeup a fellers got. And nature will tell us if that be a man, or a douche with the stupid tatts hittin on a bar wench.” — Sheriff Wayne Driscoll, Briscoe County, 1896.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Monday, August 23, 2010

    Jungle McDonald

    Jungle knows what the Britney Sisters crave.

    And what they crave… is freedom trail.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Saturday, August 21, 2010

    Your Saturday Oldbag

    To the Real Housewives of Southern Nantucket, I can only ask one thing:

    Is Army Crotch an oldbag? Or does he transcend into a strange kind of folk hero?

    # posted by douchebag1