Putz
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Thursday, November 7, 2013
Sometimes a Corndog is Just a Corndog
And other times it’s a substitute peen.
In a related story, my new website, “Skanky Hot Chicks Drinking YooHoo” plans to launch in early 2014.
Wednesday, November 6, 2013Stayin' Aleve
Curvy Heather and Some Shmoe in a Suit reenact one of the most iconic moments in cinema history.
Saturday, November 2, 2013Your Saturday Mandouchian Candidate
Uberhott asian chick. Creepy Asian androgyne.
Together, they make pie.
Anglo Pete is having none of it.
Why run this on a Saturday?
Well, back in the day we used to feature comments of the week all up in this shiznit.
But that entailed me going through all the comments and finding the best ones. Which took, like, effort. And Adonai knows what a lazy mofo my sorry ass is.
And besides, now I gotta change diapers and give HC1 her due attentions, and so that work just ain’t getting done.
Instead, here’s a pic that is so confusing in its conflation of gender, ethnicity, and douchey/hottie cohabit that a lesser writer might describe it as all sorts of wong.
One ticket please.
Saturday, October 19, 2013Shel Selfiestein
Funny, I was just speaking of black and white bathroom selfies featuring pumped up inflatatool uberbros and personal trainer gum snapping hotts at my Bum Wine Anonymous meeting the other day.
And then this.
It’s, like, karmatic kismet or something.
Wednesday, September 25, 20138Bit Tux Guy
Remember the Nintendo classic Superdouchio?
It’s like irony meets herpsterism meets 80s nostalgia and still manages to cuddle up a pic with Chiquita Maria at the Gold Nugget at 2am on a Tuesday.
Thursday, August 15, 2013Reader Mail: Carlos the Jagoff is nottadouche?
Responding to yesterday’s pic, reader doosh disputes whether Carlos the Jagoff is really a ‘bag:
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Seems the standards for douche mocking have fallen off over the last year or so. No douchy tats, no douchy hairdo or facial hair, no douchy clothes. Yeah, his shorts are a little douchy and the pose is too, but I would consider those circumstantial evidence. This guy is NOTHING compared to the legends on this site, and IMHO – nottadouche.
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Perhaps this pic of Carlos with his suburban Asian hottie gangsta harem will help clarify the situation.
You have learned nothing, grasshopper. Nothing.
Saturday, August 10, 2013Wallnuts After Dark: I'm on the Friggin' Vacation
You know, even I need a vacation. Youse all may think I am past the time a usefulness, but I’m doin’ stuff all a the time.
Just last week I saw a guy about the thing he had an issue wit an then spoke to some other guy about a certain situation that required my unique kind a expertease. Then I had to go an see So-and-So about this an that, an I was friggin’ exhausted.
So I said to Mrs Wallnuts, “Annette,” I says, “we gotta get away for a couple a days. Pack up the Lincoln an let’s head down to A.C.” So I’m in A.C. gettin’ a little sun and havin’ a few pops whilst playin’ a little Craps and Blackjack. Annette’s into the Poker, but I ain’t never had any luck with that so I lays off.
It’s kinda dead down here though. Not all hustle and bustle like you’d think it would be or like it looks in those ads where they tell ya to, “Do A.C.” As a matter a fact I was in the new place they built that’s already in bankruptcy, The Revel, an on a Saturday night there was only one Crap table goin’ in this huge casino that’s as big as a Airplane Hanger.
It’s a far cry from the days when Martin and Lewis were playin’ gigs to packed houses in joints all over town. When you look at Vegas out there in the middle a Yemensville with nothin’ but desert bein’ wildly successful and compare it to A.C., You can see how the straights can’t run nothin’ proper.
Leave it to the suits to mess up a formula that the Mob made their bones on. I mean, come on, Our Thing has been makin’ dough hand over fist on gamblin’ since the Catskills was Kittens an these Mama Lukes runnin’ the state have figured out the only way to lose money on gaming. Madon!
It’s like them Mo-mos in New York takin’ a bath on OTB. I mean how do lose money makin’ book on the Ponies?
Anyways, I gotta go. Annette is all fired up to tan her Ninns and I need me a Cutty on the Rocks.
Monday, July 29, 2013Freud's Cigar
When Freud forever altered our understandings of the human mind during the intellectual renaissance of fin de siècle Vienna, one of the most important concepts that he introduced was transference.
Transference is how the mind attempts to resolve incongruities produced between the conscious state and subconscious repressed memories of the past.
To resolve this, we project the past onto the present through sublimation. Thus the Freudian slip — the revelation of subconscious transference through accidental substitution of one word with another.
However, not all cigars are penises.
And this guy sucks.
Boobs.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013Mister Tony Gets in the Crabsmas Spirit
Who doesn’t fondly recall the Crabmas rituals of youth?
Sitting around by the hearth. Giddy on sugar cookies and rice wine.
Eager to open my Crabsmas presents that had been brought down the chimney by Santa Crotch.
How those warm childhood memories resonate over time. Familial traditions passed down from parent to child like virulent sores in a Burmanese whorehouse.
Far be it for me to criticize Mister Tony and his lady friends for dressing up in celebratory tones to honor the Crabsmas traditions. For these primitive thespians are simply basking the wondrous winter wonderland of bottle service roasting on an an open fire.
When not a creature was stirring. Not even Deadmouse. And the egg nog was spiked with daft spunk.
And Father Crabsmas shouted merrily from each and every rooftop… “Hoe Hoe Hoe!! Merry Crabsmas!!”
And Tiny Timbaland shed his crotches, leapt to his feet, and shouted “Merry Crabsmas to all, and to all a good M. Night Shyamalan!!”
Okay. I get a coffee now.
Thursday, June 6, 2013Hairy Pouter and the Finger of Pointdoucheistan
Sometimes we need Invisible Hand of the Collective Unconscious ™ to help our Kelly Smile Hottie Butt Suckle Prods of the world realize the errors of their adult fiction reading ways.
So thank you Invisible Hand of the Collective Unconscious ™. For it needed to be pointed.
