Putz
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Thursday, May 23, 2013
Friday Haiku
Todd found out he was
Silicone Intolerant
When the seizure struck.
Don’t you worry, Todd
I have just the paddle to
Get through those mountains.
— The Dude
Someone pissed in the
Goose, Bobby Bottleservice
Took a big ol’ swig
— Capt. James T. Douche
Trish moved to LA
with starlet dreams. Now: Vegas
Selling Goose. Damn Shame.
— HCwDBnyc
Party scene, nightlife
Detritus of the human
Condition. With booze
— DoucheyWallnuts
She likes the hipsters
Since the gyroscope was put
In her Monkey Hole.
— The Reverend Chad Kroeger
The coat he’s wearing
matches the one on his tongue:
both “Members Only.”
— Wheezer
Wednesday, May 8, 2013Game of Martinis: Homie Greg in the Land of the Inflated Melons
Angry Cersei Lannister will definitely be teaching Greg about how to play the Game of Thrones.
And by Game of Thrones, I mean Game of Overpriced Martinis.
Seriously, if that show introduces any more hanging subplots, I’m gonna cut off a nipple.
Thursday, April 25, 2013There's Chlorine in the Gene Pool
Better yet. Lets just flush this whole evolutionary branch and start over with the marsupials.
Monday, April 1, 2013Biff Smirk takes nose-ring nina to the 7th ring of the disco inferno
Biff tries to sooth increasingly concerned mid-western goddess Nina that this strange new club is completely normal… “Sulfur? Nah, Doll, that smell’s just them sliders I had on the way here talkin’ to ya…yeah, dat’s da ticket…“.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013"Fellini's Sadoucheicon" (1978)
Sorry undergrads, they only screen this one in grad-level classes.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013The Self Made Fistaculous
The Self Made Fistaculous wants the world to know one thing: “Paper or plastic?”
Jenny from the other block sips her rum and Coke pensively. For it was overpriced.
Your humb narrs was not invited to the Game of Thrones premiere last night. Hollywood shmoes who create reality shows don’t got that sorta swag. But I don’t care. I still can’t tell what the hell is going on on that show.
The last part of this post had nothing to do with The Self Made Fistaculous or Jenny. But hey, think of it like a public diary with ADHD.
Monday, March 11, 2013Something Douchey Happened on the Way to the (Penthouse) Forum
It involved an electric razor, a twelve-pack of Bud Light Lime, and a subconscious desire to keep the encroaching, deep existential dread at bay through drugs and alcohol.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013Shminky and the Brain Show Bettina their Rusty Trombone
Party Girl Bettina, fresh off a six month Au Pear gig for the Hendersons of Anaheim and their two bratty children, Marty and Elaine, made one crucial mistake during her week-long vacation in San Francisco.
She thought the hand-written flyer taped to the laundromat door on Market Street advertising the upcoming gig for “Rusty Trombone,” a local band of little repute, might be a fun way to meet new people.
No.
No it will not be a fun way to meet new people, Bettina.
It will involve stupidity, out of tune power-synth-pop with drum machine, and a lot of Blue Moon beer.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013Pimp Jose Dresses Up For Your Sins and Cuddles Kelly
The 1990s were a silly time.
There were music videos about princes and peaches.
Somehow, somebody named “Gwyneth Paltrow” inexplicably became a movie star.
But amidst all the rancor and surliness of a bored and aimless decade with too much time and not enough gravitas, there was one thing that didn’t exist.
Really stupid giant necklaces.
So put that in your pipe and smoke it, I Love the 90s on VH1.
Yup. Got nuthin.
Coffeetime.
Monday, February 11, 2013Welcome Back, Bitches!
Another week of the mock here at HCwDB!!
Sure this website’s an archaic relic of the pre-app pre-feed days of god darnit actual blogs with unique names and destinations. Back when the internet at least vaguely resembled a digital simulacrum of spatial certainty.
But HCwDB carries on like ole’ Clint. Shoutin’ at chairs and strangely befuddled by working faucets.
We’se still got the hotties with the purple hairs all up innit.
And douchewanks with stupid shirts.
And never the twain shall exchange DNA without collective ridicule.
May your Monday morning be snow-free and filled with tasty snack treats.
For the work week is uponst. So get yer lazy ass in gear. This world won’t consume itself.
