Reader Mail
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Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Kisseus Vomitorious Wants to Pump You in the Hanficapped Stall
The Vomitorious himself writes in to deny accusations of high percentage bodyfat:
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KV Here,
Took about 3 weeks I was on a straight no gym clubbing only plan. Bench pressing bitches. Curling girls and squating skanks. Running my mouth and sex for cardio. Haters gonna hate. Calvin bangin gonna bang. You mad bras? It’s f@#king shredding season get off the computer and meet me in the club where we will do pushups to pump up together in the hanficapped stall and hit the dance floor!
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I used to occasionally squat skanks after eating Indian food. I find that an extra glass of water before you go to bed can help.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013Reader Mail: More Bleethy Hotts!!
Gamecockbag writes in with a demand, along with the following pics.
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Did some fat Guido take over this site?
There used to be a few Bleeth’s with the usual bag but for the most part it was a site dedicated to 7’s, 8’s 9’s and a rare 10 looking hot as all hell making horrible life choices with bags.
Lately the pics are all of chubby Jersey Shore fans and herpster gals. I heart this site and have for years. Get it together!!!
Yours truely,
-Gamecockbag
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This critique, while totally valid, would perhaps be more apropos were the Bleethy Hotts submitted along with it not entirely made up of Crisco and Man Tan (with the exception of the quality hottitude chew bobble in pic #3).
I proverbially drop the mic to your dropped mic, and head to the kitchen to microwave a burrito.
Monday, February 11, 2013Mr. Vomitorious Rebuts Our Collective Jest
K.V. himself responded in last week’s comments thread with the following:
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If you can’t handle me when I’m bulking then you sure as hell don’t deserve me when I’m shredded 😉 and its “Calvin bangin” not “kv” google me
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In a noteworthy coincedence, when my colon is bulking I eat shredded wheat.
EDIT: K.V. is on the Facebook.
Friday, January 11, 2013Reader Mail: Can't Be Anonymous Anymore Takes Umbrage
Can’t Be Anonymous Anymore reacts to the new posts in the comments threads:
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With all these wonderful changes around here McCrud anonymity is a thing of the past–now you have to provide a made up e-mail address too.
Pee on others? F@#k that–you’re right, I’ll start clicking elsewhere.
However, I feel I owe it to DB1 first to say: I was coming here regularly for years. Then the site stopped being funny, completely about a week ago. Reverend–not merely not funny–incoherent and not funny.
Wallynuts–that schtick has sucked since day 1–day 1 I says but, to each their own–the four of you left seem to like it, and… Douchteau, your piece was good, but it doesn’t belong on a satire/humor blog. Again. Not. Funny.
If you ‘guest contributors’ are wondering what funny looks like from guest contributors, see everything Darksock has done, and BVG did a damn fine job too.
DB1, you’re f@#king up a good thing, but it’s yours, so good luck and godspeed. I think you’re worrying too much about what your career isn’t, rather than being appreciative of what you have. Don’t be a f@#king douche and forget where you came from. Kill it outright, or cultivate it–quick this half assed bullshit.
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If I had a chicken, I’d call it an octopus.
Monday, November 19, 2012Reader Mail: The Douche Detection Formula (Excel Version)
Reader Herpe The Douche-Bug distills the West Coast Fratdouche down to its mathematical essence:
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DB1,
While out with my wife today at a wine festival in San Francisco we came across many different local douche bags all in various states of douchecomposition.
But one thing become very clear to us over the next few hours. They all shared some very simple commonalities that could be plugged into a spread sheet to help the lay person recognize a Grieco virus carrier and avoid them.
Below i present to you, the “Douche Detection Formula” (Excel version).
=IF(AND(OR({city}=”SF”,{city}=”Berkeley”),OR({male}=”emo”,{male}=”frat boy”)),”Douche”,”Human”)
While this works well in our area I’m sure it could be modified to be used across this great country of ours to help stem the tide, or at least identify those in need of involuntary sterilization.
keep up the good fight
Regards,
Herpe the Douche-bug
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Consider it an extension of the Holy Writ from Joseph Smith’s lesser work, The Book of Moroni.
Good work, HtDB. A worthy tag, indeed.
Thursday, November 1, 2012Reader Mail: Reader Tim Tagged Benzino
Credit where credit is due:
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DB1,
If one thing is for sure it is the fact I can always tell when I see someone and instantly hate their guts without having ever interacted with them. This is a case of that… Meet “The Benzbag” one of the most diabolical douchebags in the game!
I believe he has been on the site before, if you’ll note the image of the violation of that innocent pear with his sloth like hook hands should be familiar. This clown is the Ernst Stavro Blofeld of douchery! Another Las Vegas club wanker who bills himself as VIP host/personality despite the illusion of living the life of luxury. I think we’re dealing with a $30,000/year millionaire who is up to his eyeballs in debt to keep up appearances.
You will see he associates with a who’s who of douche offenders, Craig Golias aka Peter Pumpinhead, Sunday movie semi regular/idiot wigger Riff Raff, Tatted freak/micro penis sufferer/young and reckless spokes douche Scott Sparks and I believe a picture of him with King Douchius.
Along with that the rest of the atrocity reads like the “Anarchists Cookbook” for practicing douchery, carrying designer murses, having your eyebrows threaded, having your douchey ass facial hair pruned with a straight razor, pretending you’re an MMA fighter and an overload of assholery, douchery and general shit headed behavior.
– Tim
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Well tagged tim. This Vegasian poo is a strong contender at the 2012 Douchie Awards.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012Reader Mail: Harry Palmerbag Says Goodbye
There’s no douchebag in this email, unless Harry falls into the category. We’ve followed Harry’s sad pursuit of Rockhell. And now it comes to an end. This sad paean to a unrequited love says much about philosoboobies:
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Subject: Jumping The Shark In a Bikini
First of all, it is not her fault. I blame society. I think my nine-year infatuation turned friendship devolved into pathetic obsession has jumped the shark. Rather than go into the sad details of what finally transforming me into a weak puddle of insecurities in a soft shell Kafka Bitch Beetle, I must resign as president of the Rockhelloholics Anonymous. I owe it to Her divinely-inspired Hotness. So that others can enjoy her timeless exquisite proof that God was a man without my mopey ass creepin her out, I must moveon.org and scurry out of her life like a T.S. Eliot crustacean and leave behind my dive bar bikini bartender hott center of my lost in space life.
and maybe take up Yoga.
Yours, (still Her’s)
Harry Palmerbag
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In the eternal dance of men seeking women, there is a fine line between romantic and creepy-stalking.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012Reader Mail: Sierra Dates a Bouff
Sierra writes in with a strange first-person tag:
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Subject: Jersey boy w a southern belle
I had never dated a Jersey guy before. Those light eyes did me in and his shocking love for country music.
— Sierra
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Short. Cryptic. And entirely unclear on the concept of this website.
Rare-ass Blue Cup does not approve.
And neither does Tom Brady.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012Reader Mail: The Twenty-Five Pound Watch
Morbo sends in this pic along with an astute commentary:
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DB_1,
Saw this over on the thereifixedit.com blog and felt it could stand for a little internet cross-pollination.
It’s the concept of the 10-pound watch taken to its illogical extreme.
Adding to the douchebaggery is the look on the wearer’s face. He knows exactly what he’s doing. He didn’t pull this stunt because he desperately needed to know what time it was and his actual wristwatch was broken, and his cellphone died. This asshole is craving attention, desperately wanting someone to ask, “Hey man. What’s up with the clock on your wrist?”
He would then play it off as if it weren’t much at all, when deep down he was giving himself a high-five for being so cutting-edge and cool. In fact, I bet this is the third time this week he’s worn this thing. Hell, the poor bastard sitting in front of him probably has a Grade 2 concussion from getting conked in the head every time the bus goes over a bump.
I feel like the fate of our long-running battle with douchebaggery hinges on the guy in the seat.
He is The Chosen One, though he knows it not.
If he looks up and asks about the clock, we all lose. Flava Fred here gets his moment of glory and he will lead an army of numbnuts across the Earth for the next millenium. Even a snarky comment means victory for Flava Fred.
If Seat Guy continues to look at his phone, quietly gets up at his stop and shuffles off to work, we win.
Stay strong, dude. Stay strong. We’re all counting on you.
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Wednesday, September 19, 2012Reader Mail: The Choad African
Scumbum writes in all the way from South Africa to remind us of the lingering toxicity of the global Grieco Virus in presence of hot chick:
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Sometimes, in this world of religious hatred, human suffering and racial tension we forget.. We forget that all over the world, we are united by the douche. Who would have thought that in South Africa you would be able to book a safari and spot an all too common species. Ladies and gentlemen of the world, please enjoy
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I ain’t gonna play douche city.
