Reader Mail
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Monday, August 8, 2011
No More Perfect Sucklethigh Karen
Karen from Jeffy Nottabag Wins at the Game of Life wrote in with a very polite and well worded takedown request, due to an angry ex writing nasty comments in the comments thread, so I’ve honored her request.
However, Karen did provide us a link to her modeling page. Let the pooch spackle begin.
King Douchuous the IV approves of pooch spackle pear.
Thursday, August 4, 2011Reader Mail: Slovakian Douchery
Gregor Bagsa writes in with a horrifying discovery of global douche plague:
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Subject: Douching it up in Slovakia (YouTube video)
The taint is strong in Slovakia. Yes, the girls are a bit bleethed but, anyway, it definitely meets the requirements starting :09 seconds and continuing unabated ’till the end. Bonus bizzaro cross-dressing suppressed homoerotic spin the bottle scene thrown in for good measure near the end.
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Talentless, European and Douchey is no way to go through life, kids. That video mades my nethers twitch, and not in that good sugar rush kinda way.
Thursday, July 28, 2011Reader Mail: The Hottest Chick From Highschool Now Dates The Guys in “Lifehouse”
Blair writes in with a depressing life update on the hottest girl from high school we all remember thinking “I wonder what became of her.” Now we know:
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Subject: Radio Buttrock douchewads
I went to high school with this girl, she went to nursing school and just moved to LA to be with THE DUDE IN F@#KING LIFEHOUSE (who’s late 30s, and she’s 21).
I mean, good for her, she drives a Porsche now and has a tiny pursedog, but is it really at the expense of having to see photos of yourself with turds like this in 5 years? I mean shit, more like 2 years.
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I don’t know what “Lifehouse” is, but no Rockstar Leniency Rule for these atrocious bar flushes. They pee on the very concept of music with their douchestrocities.
Sometimes I’d rather not know what happened to the hot girl from high school. I can pretend she became that nurse. And fantasize about catheter tubes.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011Julie Dumps Cookie Monster Guy
Reader and butt chomping hottie hott Julie writes in with a self-tagged HCwDB submission:
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Subject: me and a pasty ginger
oh the power of the douche bag. he actually convinced me to date him for a short period of time til i realized i could do WAY better.
– Julie
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I’d like to judge you for this one Julie, but, like Garth before me, I’ve always had a creepy fixation on Bugs Bunny in a dress. So I’m not really one to judge here.
Thursday, July 14, 2011Reader Mail: Wedding Douchery
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Greetings from Calgary, Canada!
I was at a wedding yesterday at a hotel where a number of banquet rooms had been rented for same. The room next to ours had a large photo posted outside the door. People were looking at it and recoiling in horror.
Upon close inspection, the bride-to-be was hot – and the groom-to-be sported numerous douchal signifiers. Please note the watch, hair, and chin fung, also the popped collar, and most of all, the douchey expression on his face.
It’s not a really bad case…except that this was their official WEDDING PHOTO!. Please DB1, supply the needed societal mock to encourage this nasty case to reform.
— Roy
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This is deeply disturbing, and an excellent catch of yet another signifier of the impending global scrotocalypse, Roy. When even the wedding photos are douchetastic, be careful to double check with your food taster. For the creme brulee tastes like ass.
Thursday, July 7, 2011Reader Mail: The Rastabag
Aussie ‘bag hunter Whac-a-Douche, aka Tof, writes in with another quality tag:
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G’day DB1.
We have met before, I had the pleasure to submit Homeless Phil Collins a few few months. Funny you would choose such name not knowing the guy is actually a drummer. Anyway, I digress…
Today I have both a submission and a question.
My submission is vaginoplasty specialist and celebrity surgeon Dr Rey.
I had never heard of him before this morning, but the interwebs brought him to my attention while drinking my 9am bourbon and searching for the perfect pear. One might say this is holy endeavor.
My question: Have you ever featured rastabags? I have been reading your web site for quite a while now, but can’t remember ever seeing these annoying chillaxed skateboarding whine-about-everything-but-not-do-anything-about-it pot smoking silly hairdoed creatures. I believe they deserve mock.
Till next time,
Tof
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Firstly, excellent ‘tag with Dr. Rey. A true celebudouche of the reality sort in all the wrongest of fake authorial performative doucheries. Good work.
Secondly, to answer your question, our best Rastabag was either Blondbacca from way back in 2006, Buffalo Scroteja from 2008, or our recent Yamo Been There.
The Rastabag is an important subset of alterna-douchery in hitting on hot chick, and are underrepresented here at HCwDB. However, the mock will continue.
Oh yes.
It will continue.
Thursday, June 16, 2011Reader Mail: Victor the Russianbag
Dotty writes in with the Ruskiebag tag:
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This guy. Victor.
He has this business called the Bruin Party Network, which entails filling a limo with girls on any given day of the week and shipping them off to trashy clubs in Hollywood to get shitty and suck his c@#k.
It wouldn’t be so bad if he didn’t promote his company 24/7.
Or if he didn’t have to wear that sweaty headband over his greasy dark hair. Really? Biggest D-bag ever, Russian style!
Sincererly,
Dotty
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In Soviet Union, douchehair wears you!
Speaking of Bruins, props to my hometown team for taking the Cup. An epic and worthy victory.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011Reader Mail: The Miami Heatrash
The Thin White Douche checks in:
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After watching the NBA finals I was inspired to do some Miami douche hunting. I’ve come to the conclusion that bag-tagging in Miami is the equivalent of fishing with dynamite, it’s just not fair.
There was just so much choad that at one point I wanted to stab my eyes out and I had to stop for my own well being.
I think Miami has really pulled through and put itself far ahead of LA and Las Vegas as the new douche Mecca of America, even the producers of Jersey Shore realized this fact. Had the Heat won the title there would be thousands of over-tanned, roided-out ,brand-name wearing, Grey-Goose swilling dipshits acting even more douchey than they already are.
What I’m saying is that we might have very well just avoided the douchepocalypse.
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Interesting theory, TTWD. Miami is one of the three corners of the Unholy Grieco Spirit. Scottsdale and New Jersey form the other two corners.
That being said, Mark Cuban is a huge douche as well.
So no matter what happened in the NBA finals, we’re all a little dirty.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011Reader Mail: Mr. Pink
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Boss,
It’s been a while since I have joined the mock, but I come to you in extreme forgiveness with a sacrifice of a fully, self-admitted full-blown douche.
This creature, knowingly, & willingly practices the Dark Arts of Douchbaggery like some kind of Grand Wizard of the Jersey Shore without shame, commanding the will of the Grieco Virus to do his bidding for the evil conquest of the Hott.
As a long-time follower, I ask you DB1, bring the wrath of HCwDB down upon him like the chosen prophet that you are, weaving a trapestry of scripture like never before heard!
Have no mercy on his wretched soul as he asked to be cast down!
May the mock wage on and keep up the stellar work my friend! The world needs you…
-Battlescrote Gallactica
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He is pink. She is hot. I need a coffee.
Friday, June 3, 2011Reader Mail: Bring Back The ‘Sock!
Responding to my two week walkabout in which DarkSock ran the site, reader Michael has some thoughts:
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You need to go away again. The site was so much better with others running it.
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Yes but can one ever truly go “away?” Don’t we all leave spectral patterns behind us as we traverse the great unknown of space/time itself?
