retro
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Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Partius Von Crotchenstain
When I was in seventh grade, way back in the desperately vacuous hair metal days of the late 1980s, I took a class in European History.
In that class, we learned the events of the famed 19th Century boy-king, Partius Von Crotchenstain. Youthful heir to the Indochine-Prussian Von Crotchenstain kingdom from 1811-1814.
Partius inherited the Kingdom when his father, the former Duke of Lacrossian Daterapian, passed away after his prized guinea pig came down with a case of contagious rickets.
From that point forward, Partius wasted his Kingdom and his empire on the Bleethiest of the Fair Maidens a’milking. From great wealth, the empire plunged into poverty, setting up the terrible period known as the “War of 18 Year Olds who Act Like They’re 12.”
At least I think that’s how it went.
Then again, I got a C-.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010The Jersey Sores
Grandma don’t like the douchebags.
Ask DB1: Wrath of Khanbags
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DB1,
I was enjoying some Sunday Wrath of Khan when my friends and I noticed the occasional partial and full chest reveal on members of Khan’s entourage.
We all know that Khan is eternally exempt from ‘bag classification, but what about his lackeys? Are they wannabe-Khans, and possibly therefore ‘bags, or are they also exempt?
Khan did get pissed at the blonde guy on occasion. I suspect he shared my doubts about his ability to pull off the Khan Chest Reveal (KCR).
-McBagsworth
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Your question is a good one, McB. And may you appreciate the genius of Khan forever.
As you rightly acknowledge, The Wrath of Khan is one of the most asskickingly perfect films of all time. This is beyond dispute.
While the kinetic nonsense with the flashy lights labeled “Star Trek” that came out last year seems to have fooled many moviegoers into thinking it was a good movie, it was not. It was fast. It had explosions. It had a vagina snow monster. But it had no operatic characters, no purpose, nothing epic, poetic or inspired. Nothing like what we saw in the visage of the tragic figure of Khan Noonian Singh.
Khan, and the genius actor who portrays him, Ricardo Montalban, both earn permanent lifetime nottadouches now matter how much greased up chestshave reveal Khan displays, or how many pimp moves he perfects.
But you know this. You ask about Khan’s entourage, or as I like to call it, his Khantourage. Khan’s crew on board the Botany Bay.
Unfortunately, I have to tag them as ‘bags and ‘baguettes. For one thing, I can’t remember any of them. No personalities. Secondly, echoing the alpha male is simply another form of coopting signifiers of douchebaggery to try to get echo ass pear.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010The ‘Baggle Axe Trading Card
HCwDB’s own Battlescrote Gallactica has taken inspiration from an old Garbage Pail Kids card to create a tribute to HCwDB near-monthly-winner The Baggle Axe.
Excellent work, B.G. A brilliant mock.
A few years ago, the great Jean Claude Van Douche similarly created a number of HCwDB Trading Cards, including The Oompa Prompa, The Ghoulbag and a brilliant one for The Gator that I can’t find because I’m a technical luddite (A URC of ‘Train to the first ‘bag hunter who links to it).
Have a fun HCwDB photoshop idea?
Create it and send it on in to HCwDB, and you could win… a new car!*
* New car not included.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010The Hippiebag Approves
The Hippiebag approves of D.J. Jerzey and Jenny winning the HCwDB of the Week.
The Hippiebag does not, however, approve of lurking older women fondling their boobs while he’s trying to take a pic with a ladyfriend.
That’s not cool, man.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010Stars and ‘Bags
Okay, for indulging my long-winded academic rant in the previous post, you deserve a reward.
Have some Aqua Pear.
Monday, August 16, 2010Doucheysomething
How’s about a little retro look back at classic 1980s HCwDB while you mull your vote in the HCwDB of the Week?
