Rockerbag
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Friday, June 17, 2016
Shemga McSaxomophone’s Jazz Hands Violate Sophia
If toxic hottie/doucheybaggery were jazz, this would be Billie Holliday’s first performance of “Strange Fruit” crossed with Dave Brubeck’s “Take Five” and finished off by a Django Reinhardt flamenco riff.
Which is to say a unique amalgam of improvisational choadnuttery.
From Shemga’s chumptastic head tilt to Sophia’s doe eyed vaguely 80s-era Laura San Giacomo luscious Mayan Eye of Coitus, the dialectics of choadal dissonance innovate tonal patterns beyond the everyday fungorgia. For the stench of hair spike semi-employed wank-tool pawing pooch suckle thigh innocence rends the power chords, riffs into dissonance, and transcends into the sublime.
And by sublime, I mean Billy from St. Elmo’s fire sublime.
Which is to say, not.
Wednesday, October 16, 2013The Flobot Snags Hard Rock Heather
And the Lilliputians rejoiced!!
I have no idea what that means.
I fondled a kitten once.
Monday, June 10, 2013Rainbolio Drops a Deuce at Coachella
Sweet Pam, who meticulously fulfills the casting role of Hot Younger Sister of Your Best Friend in College, knows that slumming it for a weekend at Coachella won’t get back to her quasi-BF, Bob.
That’s what she thinks.
Turns out, Pam’s bestie, Monica, actually began dating Rainbolio’s bro, Tommy, behind the glowstick selling dude on the dirt road over by second stage.
So Bob’s totally gonna find out by Wednesday.
Sorry, Sweet Pam. This Deuce don’t fly.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013The Rocky Mildly Disquieting Nightclub Show
Lets do the awkward hump again…
Monday, April 8, 2013Props to the 'Sock!!
I’m back, bitches!! Walkabout: enlightening like a Don Draper doorway. Tasty HoHos?: Consumed. Alcoholism: like a rusty steak knife cutting through a well aged steak.
Props to the great DarkSock (not pictured) for a week well handled in driving the ole’ HCwDB bus.
This deserves an 80s Slow clap.
And, of course, an image of an unholy rockerscrote mugging a sweet poodle pooch hottie globble fondle.
Also, I think I finally fixed the damn mysterious bug that was crashing the site everyday. Who knows? I’m holding this leaky ship together with duct tape and spittle at this point. But we may be operating at 100% again.
So I got that going for me.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013Why British Yobs With Bad Teeth Become Rock Stars
I know I talk about Rockstar Leniency Rule in service of the performative arts. But Ronnie Wood, yer ballsack is taskin’ me, man. It’s taskin’ me.
EDIT: What’s all this, then? Apparently that’s Rod Stewart on the left as well. Piss off, ya tossers!! Nice teeth.
Monday, December 3, 2012Bonro and The Ledge Struggle to Make Ends Meet in an Alternate Reality
Ever since the failure of the 1997 demo CD, “The Josephus Tree,” Bonro and The Ledge have pieced together rent money working at various Dublin nightclubs.
Irish Mary is not impressed.
And by alternate reality, I mean this reality.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012Guyliner Graham Grabs Goth Gayle
Together, they make guacamole.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012Breaking: Faux-Punk Manic Pixie Dreamgirl Cliche to Marry Nickelbag
Someone’s marrying someone. This is news for some reason.
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AVRIL Lavigne has shocked fans by announcing she’s engaged – to Nickelback frontman Chad Kroeger.
The pair have only been dating for six months, after teaming up to write a song for the Canadian pop star’s new album.
Avril and Chad – who, at 37, is 10 years older than his bride-to-be – have managed to keep their romance under wraps since meeting.
But a spokesperson for Avril has confirmed she’s to tie the knot after the singer retweeted news of their engagement.
The unlikely duo fell in love while working together on a tune for the singer’s upcoming fifth studio album – the follow-up to her 2011 collection Goodbye Lullaby.
An insider told People: “A romantic relationship blossomed as they spent time writing together.
“He makes her so happy. Both of their families could not be more excited.”
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Monday, August 6, 2012Heyzoos says "Heyyyyy!"
Heyzoos likes Skynard, man.
Shen-Li’s brother is at M.I.T. and no longer speaks to her.
