Suburbia
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Monday, July 25, 2011
Willie and Karen Defy Physics at the Office Party
A six pack of Snausages
to the first poster who can explain to me, using the Hugh Everett Many World Theory of physics, exactly how this image is transpiring according to the known laws of thermodynamics.
A twelve pack of Snausages to anyone who can get Karen’s shy bestie, Mandy, to try tequila for the first time, and then let me fondle her coaster with a feather duster while she’s distracted when the DJ plays “I Gotta Feeling” for the eighteenth time.
Monday, July 18, 2011Spider Tool
Suburban white people of the world, hark!
It is 2011.
No amount of spider tattoos will ever change the fact of your genetic limitations.
I don’t care if Captain Stuping’s Slutty Daughter and Ginger from the latest adult smash, “Gilligan’s Thighland,” happen to cohabitate in your Vegasian presence for a parsec or two.
You’re still six months away from an assistant office manager interview in Waterbury, Connecticut.
Don’t blame yourself. Pierre Bourdieu has explained to us the broad and complex post-structural cultural determinants that, no matter how hard you fight, will ultimately inform your constructions of self. No amount of douche Spider Tatts will change that determination, Kevin. Now go get me a chicken pot pie.
Thursday, July 14, 2011Prickles The Clown Says “I have no Personality, I’m super boring and I work in accounting! That’s Why I Wear My Hair Like This.”
Suzie just giggles politely and orders another Mai Tai.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011Prickles The Clown
The Spiker. It spreads.
Natalia has the arched eyebrows that require further academic research involving theories of discursive alterity and feral butt pooching
Tuesday, April 19, 2011Too Tight Tony Runs With the Goose
There are many things rotten in the proverbial “Denmark” that is our collective Jungian unconscious.
Deep seeded anger issues against the constraints of modern discourse.
Desire and denials to touch boobies in high school.
And then there’s Pud Joe, aka Too Tight Tony.
Who sucks on a fully conscious level.
And does not require complex analytical mapping to discuss the suckitude.
Rachel and her Besties giggle like waterfalls and like to pop popcorn and watch “House.”
Wednesday, March 2, 2011Dick’s Sporting Goods Is Having a Sale on Toolbags
Ah, Suburbia.
How your youthful couples find amusement and distraction in the form of stupid watch and hair gel.
Or, as the great poet J.C. Mellencamp once wrote, “Suckin’ on chili dogs. Outside the Tastee Freez.” Heed the words of early 80s singer/songwriters, Suburbia. For changes come around real soon and produce Justin Bieber.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011Kafka’s Basement
A waking nightmare.
Monday, February 21, 2011The Kennedy Head Wound ‘Bag
Back… and to the left… back… and to the left…
Too soon?
Monday, February 21, 2011Haylie Gets Fondled In Bryan’s Basement
High School Haylie can’t believe her parents are letting her hang out in Bryan’s basement.
It’s like so cool!!
Bryan’s parents like made a fortune in refrigerator sales, and, like, his basement is the social scene for 11th grade in all of the greater Indianapolis area!
Wait’ll Haylie tell her besties tomorrow! She’ll leave out the part involving awkward groping and douche sandwich crush.
Friday, February 11, 2011Cool Jazz Singer Mack Dundee Does Not Approve of Billy’s Kissy Lips
Oh sweet Nicole.
I realize the pickings are slim in suburban Wisconsin, especially in the winter months.
But Billy’s Jesus and Mary Chain, plus kissy lips and white hat, stamps a full Stage-3 across his resume.
Cool Jazz Singer Mack Dundee watches disapprovingly in the distance.
Do not upset Cool Jazz Singer Mack Dundee.
For you wouldn’t like Cool Jazz Singer Mack Dundee when he’s angry.
Yup. No idea what I’m writing anymore. Must be Friday.
EDIT: Changed Dundee’s name so as not to confuse with Angry Ernie below.
