tattbaggery
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Monday, November 14, 2011
Dusty Tells the Ancient Sumerian Aliens Where to Land on his Shoulders
Or, as M. Night Shyamalan once called them, “Crap Circles.”
Mindy perfects flexible back arch that inspires men to take yoga classes and pretend they’ve read Deepak Chopra.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011Chest-Pec Wingtatts: The New Black
Coming in 2013: Chest-Pec Wingtatt Removal Surgery: The New Black.
Asian Melons, however, will always be in season.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011Spiderpud: Turn off the Crotch
Man, these Broadway musicals are just getting weirder and weirder.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011In an Economic Recession, Won’t Somebody Please Think of the Unemployed Roadies?
Roadies gotta eat, too.
And by gotta eat, too, I mean bother Barnard dropout hottie, Upper East Side Esther.
Six Pound Watch weighs heavily on the collective soul of the Jungian unconscious.
Monday, October 3, 2011Bad Tatts Maru
We’ve seen so many garish douchetatts on shiny, douchey douchebros over the past few months that it’s losing its ability to shock.
Yet in presence of Sultry New Wave Naomi, Bad Tatts Maru, not to be confused with ‘Bag Bats Maru, reminds us, yet again, of just how douchey it is to cover your body with tatts and think it makes you an individual.
Store bought rebellion inscribed upon the skin doesn’t make you interesting, guy. Try speaking. Better yet, don’t.
Mmm…. Naomi. Pure of ivory flesh and taut sucklebottom. I would nibble atop your grandmother’s doilies until the Rugaleh went stale.
Thursday, September 22, 2011Welcome to the Skin Show, Ladies of the Westchester Garden Club!!
Note to future generations: Giant skull chest tattoos may not be a good life choice. No, not even if they incorporate the nipples into their design leitmotif.
Note to self: Never grip a Corona like you’re milking a deer.
Note to Hot Mom Besties Sophie and Franny: You should probably rethink your divorces and go back home to your kids. They miss you.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011Tatticus Finch
We’ve seen bad tatt wipewanks hitting on Pocahontas Hotties.
And we’ve seen really bad tatt wipewanks hitting on Pocahontas Hotties.
But ne’er have we seen the heinosity that is “Blackjack Crotch.”
I mock and bird Tatticus Finch.
And I feed a sammich to Kelly, while surreptitiously surveying her wedding ring for truth value.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011Sunny Meets The Tatt Vortex
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She’d heard the rumors.
Alas, alacrum, across the great expanse of the Vegas Parties, the legend persisted. Passed along, Sorority Hott to Sorority Hott. Stare at The Tatt Vortex for too long and your first born would have “The Mark of the Ed Hardy” uponst his forehead.
But Sunny didn’t listen.
And, nine months later, poor Timmy came along. Timmy would spend the grade school years trying to live down the ignominy of the wretched curse of… The Scarlett Doucher.
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This excerpt from “The Scarlett Doucher,” reminds you to support your local public library. For without books, there’d be no books.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011Whatever Happened to Uncle Richie and Aunt Maureen?
Now you know.
Benders in Reno never have happy endings.
It probably is best that your Dad stopped speaking to them after all.
Thursday, September 1, 2011The Billybag Brothers and Tiny Amanda Hott Go to a Frat Party
Which is douchier, the douche tatt done in ink or the douche tatt done in magic marker?
Who is more foolish, the fool or the fool who follows him?
But, as always, we’ve learned that Jesus died for your chest shave.
And that Leopard Boobies cure Lupus. Pass it on.
