Thoughts and Links
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Friday, December 30, 2011
New Years Thoughts and Links
Well, it’s still a few days away, but merry 2012, homeslices and fellow alcoholics!!
The apocalypse may be upon, but there’s always room for Jello.
Another year has passed.
2012 will being new forms of mock, known and unknown.
But for now, we imbibe.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB Pulp Noir Book Pick of the Week: “I kissed her, a long hard kiss. Because baby didn’t know it, but baby was dead, and in a way I couldn’t have loved her more.”
Funny or Die gets on the HCwDB mockin’ train with Guido Jesus
Shawn Valentino Wants To Make All Your Fantasies Come True. I’m hoping that includes him drinking a vat of Drano.
When Naked 300lb Bodybuilders Attack!
For sale: Douche Jar. If only I’dda marketed these back in ’07.
Trader Joes gets in on the HCwDB Holiday Spirit.
Somewhere in this video, I’ve carefully hidden herpster arm. Look closely. Can you find it? Mmm… Annoying Giggle Boobs.
But enough about herpster arm and stripper giggle boobs that actually spell out “OMG” when riding in a car for the first time. Lets get to your New Years Pear:
Because everyone makes a New Years Resolution that they’ll go to the gym more often in the New Year. Even Pears.
Friday, December 23, 2011Christmas Thoughts and Links
Oh, Christmas.
You come but once a year. With bad 1950s music. And tiny plug-in lights on self-righteous houses. You bring dysfunctional alcoholic WASP families together to not speak authentically, and allow people to pretend they’re altruistic for a few weeks.
And you even brings HCwDB, Christmas style.
Site’s gonna be on reduced posting for the next few weeks, but I’ll be posting a’somethin’ every day to keep you on your toes.
As to this Christmas HCwDB pic, well hot damn, we have our first entrant for the 2012 “Douchiest Pose” Douchie Award, now don’t we. Or perhaps an entrant for my 2023 Guggenheim Show. Or Best Ass Pear? We shall see.
And yes, I missed the 2011 Douchie Award for Best Pear. But Best Pear will be handed out in a special New Years Douchie Award. So stay tuned.
In the meantime, enjoy your holiday linkage. It goes well with Christmas dinner and family dysfunction. And while I’m not a Christian, and therefore tend not to celebrate holidays with “Christ” in the name, some of my best friends are Christians. They’re very glad to meet me. And they have stock tips. And are very polite. And enjoy alcohol.
Here’s your Christmasy Links:
Your HCwDB Holiday DVD: “This ain’t no Chinese menu, jagoff! I tell YOU how it’s gonna be. This is pricks fix!”
Bags R’ Us is on Facebook. Of course it is.
Lawyers. The new douchebags. Or perhaps the old ones.
Ice Cube brings architectural appreciation O.G. style.
Sometimes, when you’re bored and living in Nigeria, it’s time to just sing about vagina.
The shitfest of a website that is “Holy Taco” continues to rip off my writing style and douche-humor without so much as a link back. I can’t tell which site I hate worse, Holy Taco, The Dirty, or The Chive. All are lame internet vampires that suck off the living.
Investment Banker Mike, spurned by a woman after a first date, writes her the creepiest and douchiest email of 2011.
Christmas rule: Never eat cocaine out of your brother’s butt. You could die. Especially if you’re Ricky Williams.
Don’t look at this. I told you not to look at that.
Christmas Rule #2: Don’t finger-bang a Chihuahua.
But you are not here for Chihuahua finger banging. Well, perhaps you are. But either way, you’ve been good. You’ve earned it.
Or, if you need a little more revelation in your stockings:
Mmmm… mattressy. Leave off the last “S” for suckle gnaw.
Merry something. Ho Ho HoHos.
Friday, December 2, 2011Friday Thoughts and Links
Mandana juicers make me ponderous and pondifacatorial on this Friday before the 2011 Douchies.
But Becoming Ubiquitous Clear Cup reassures.
Your humble narrator continues to fight the good fight in Hollywood, trying to sell new shows and dealing with the poo and the pee that form cultural dialectic in this wayward city of desert angels and arid, fecund peacockery.
So I munch on a saltine. And call it even.
Here’s your links:
Save your time with free content for websites from Article Writing Services. (Resource Link)
Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week” I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I’m going to need to you do something for me… on spec.”
From England: Smells like Poo.
Speaking of tatts… Cracked presents: If tattoos told the truth.
Natalie Portman, Semitic pixie librarian hott and future ex-Mrs.DB1, is turning her baby boy into a ‘bagling.
Who’s getting hired at Rite-Aid these days? Read the fine print.
The internets. Where 19 year old girls go for attention. Boobs.
Speaking of hot chick philosophers: Believing in celestial orbs to reveal a divine truth is nonsense.
And speaking of hot chick spawn of famous hockey players, Wayne Gretzky’s daughter is gettin’ slapshotty. And yes, I had to link to the thieves over at The Chive for that one. I feel dirty.
Reader DanEBoy decides to read a Scooby Doo book to his kids, is shocked to discover Velma is displaying G.S.R.
Need holiday gifts for friends, family and loved ones on this holiday season? Buy it already, Bitch. It’s on sale.
For boxing fans, HCwDB gets a nice shout-out in a column about what a douche boxer Antonio Margarito is.
Toxic manwhore Ann Coulter got “bleeped” when she called John McCain a “Douchebag” on MSNBC. Well isn’t this a case of the pot calling the kettle a fascist manwhore.
But you are not here for toxic facist manwhorery. No matter your political persuasion, I offer you:
Inappropriate Outerwear for Fall Weather Pear
Only because I worry that Kelly might catch cough.
Friday, November 25, 2011Friday Thoughts and Links
Party tools on Black Friday make my uvula itch.
Last night I saw a line around the block outside of a Best Buy waiting to get in at midnight. If ever there was evidence of our misplaced social priorities, fetishization consumption rituals are it.
What a disgrace “Black Friday” is. The complete breakdown in meaning in which we become imprinted to seek shiny happy baubles of future-dom as the means by denying the larger truths of mortality, friendship, love, communication and intimacy.
No, Call of Duty 3, on sale for the next 24 hours, won’t solve the gnawing crises underneath the conscious mind, your deluded fools outside Best Buy, worshiping at the feet of the Glitter God of Mass Market Ritual. You can try to entertain yourself out of extended reflection, but it won’t work.
Consume, they tell us. Obey, and happiness awaits.
But boobies lead to truth. As do those out there resisting the bullshit right now and calling for an adjustment in national priorities, and getting mocked on the teevee “news” for it. So both give me hope.
Here’s your abbreviated Thanksgiving links:
Hot chicks love animals and guys who love animals, like guys who attend vet tech schools.
(Resource Link)
Your HCwDB Book Pick of the Week: “Historically, the most terrible things – war, genocide, and slavery – have resulted not from disobedience, but from obedience.”
From Zinn, we go to The Worst Image in the History of Images.
Here’s another reason why most hot chicks should not attempt comedy.
Referencing classic ’80’s Fishbone and insulting Michelle Bachman to her face without her knowing? Jimmy Fallon is my new hero. Dammit, I should’ve taken that offer to go on his show two years ago.
Speaking of jerky politicians, Senator Sam Brownback proves his douchedom, complains about a student saying mean things about him on Twitter.
Looking for new forms of eroticism? Try the Comma Sutra.
In Florida, a Transgendered woman posed as a doctor and injected cement into a woman’s butt. Be glad you don’t live there.
In 1969, a pre-Muppets Jim Henson wrote, starred in, and directed, a nine minute experimental short film that was nominated for the Academy Award. You know you want to watch it. For it is genius.
In honor of Mr. Henson, have some:
May you fraggle its rocks.
Friday, November 18, 2011Friday Thoughts and Links
There is much about vaginal peace signs by Boris Russinsky hitting on Russian Poverty Model Hott that rankles the heart of a poet.
I’m not that poet. His name is Tim. He lives down the street and smells like patchouli and rice cakes.
I have little to offer in the ways of wisdom on this Friday in Los Angeles, other than the advice of the great Olympian Carl Lewis:
“I like hurdles.”
Here’s your links
Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “Why am I talking to you? You’re not a man, you’re a cat! Go back to your feline world!”
Yoga for Bros? “Broga?” In my hometown of Boston? For shame, Beantown. For shame.
Turkish Hottness. Like strong coffee and emancipated Islam.
What movie am I most excited to see this Holiday Season? Sandsharks. “Because your party isn’t on the sand. It’s on ice.” (no idea what that means)
Somewhere in Raveland America,… the kids aren’t all right.
Mila Kunis’s Semitic Russian hottness proves the folly of the nativist reactionary anti-Trotsky pogroms of the early 20th Century.
Can boobs ever be too large? Uhm… okay, yes.
But you are not here for grotesque mammaries. You are here for Pear:
Because coy pouting is also a form of pre-coitus.
And on that lameass pun, I crack a bottle of Mad Dog and scratch myself obliquely.
Friday, November 11, 2011Friday Thoughts and Links
Douche-Neck shirts.
Still out there. Still a harbinger of stupid hair, chest shave, and the apocalypse of tainting Jenny and Kelly’s perfect globbs.
Your humble narrator muses on the power of herd mentality to drive the masses to stupidity, and is appalled and bemused simultaneously. We flatter ourselves with thoughts of individualism.
But we are simply crumbs on the cone nose of a Carvel Cookie Puss.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: ” I tell you what we’re gonna do, Marlboro. You’re gonna take that goddamn J.C. Penney tie off and we’re gonna have an old fashioned man to man drinking party.”
HCwDB televisual mock continues to spread with Britain’s hit show“The Only Way is Essex.”
‘Bag hunters fight back: Petition to keep Nickelback from playing halftime show gains support. Don’t forget to sign the petitition!
Raging ass pimple on the butt cheek of society, the retched “Nik Ritchie,” who writes HCwDB ripoff site “The Dirty,” managed to keep his desperate clinging to Z-List fame alive by going on Anderson Cooper to talk about his defamation case. Back when that clown launched “Dirty Scottsdale” after being inspired by HCwDB, he used to beg me for links to his crap. And look at him now. What a hero.
Scientists identify World’s Sexiest Dance Moves. Sadly, White Man’s Overbite not included.
Since I got all reflective earlier in the week looking back at 2007’s Why Jeffy is ‘Bag, here’s another nostalgic look back The Oompa Prompa Photoshop Contest. Back in 2008. Like another universe.
Remember that cute Jerry McGuire kid? Now he likes to work out. You had me at “Too Much Time On Your Hands.”
Apparently he hasn’t been using his time to earn an Online-MBA. (Resource Link)
Ubiquitous Red Cup for sale. No sign if John Mayerbag is thinking of making a bid.
Ever wonder what happens when a sexytime threesome goes wrong? For one Florida douchebag, it involves throwing a TV at his wife and ending up in jail.
Okay, you’ve been good. You’ve earned it:
For the twilight is ‘ere and the November rain means Axl Rose shivers.
Friday, November 4, 2011Friday Thoughts and Links
Six pound watch? Not for Vinny Bologna here. The only thing that impresses curvy, slightly scary eyes, crazy Nordic Aryan blondes is, of course, twelve pound watch.
And rolled up Don Johnson 80s-style suits.
Deep thoughts from your half-drunk humble narrator, who sits in Los Angeles and pees on the epic dysfunction of this silly city of dreams.
Here’s your links:
Speaking of Toronto’s odious Kleenex Mafia party promoters, apparently the line between douchebags, partying, and gang slayings is not as wide as we thought.
In overseas douche mocking, A British Rugby team, The Ospreys, have banned spray tanning and cheesy boots for its players. Well done, old chaps!
Ever wonder what it’s really like working in Hollywood? This clip pretty much sums it up.
HCwDB regular Reverend Chad Kroeger brings the Halloween Douche. Genius work, good Reverend!
R.I.P. Smoot. No not that Smoot. The cool one.
Meanwhile, in Boston, another piece of my childhood dies.
I’m not sure how I missed this until now, but back in 2007 a douchebag gave his tattoo breast implants. A few months later, his tattoo dated Charlie Sheen.
The hallowed University of Chicago, home to one of the great intellectually fraudulent movements of our time (Leo Strauss and “The Chicago School,” aka “modernist thinking is scary and hard, lets reject it!”), is now offering a course on Snooki. My contribution to academia is noteworthy.
Speaking of Leo Strauss and anti-intellectual regressivism masquerading as a one-size-fits-all philosophy, here’s women eating bananas.
But you are not here for Leo Strauss, nor women eating bananas, although more likely you are here for the latter. But you are definitely here for Pear:
Go forth und repentenzspiel.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011A Douchebag on Halloween Is Like The Sound of One Hand Clapping
A metaphysical query as we consider HCwDB of the Week winnerTommy Pak and Maria on Halloween.
Or, as the fool once asked the wise man: Is it douchey for the douche to dress douchey on the one day it isn’t douchey to dress like a douche?
Friday, October 28, 2011Friday Thoughts and Links
There are many components of the emerging mock in which hipster and douchebag have mated to produce herpster.
Not least among them are the douche-glasses.
Sort of the 10 Degree Hat Tilt of the Herpser set.
This may be the one of the worst mutations of the Greico Virus we’ve seen in 2011. And hottie lick makes this picture all the worse. Maybe this should be Monday’s HCwDB of the Week?
Which reminds me.
Tomorrow we begin our official work prepping this place for the 2011 Douchie Awards (beginning December 5).
That means sweeping up the alpaca poo from the veranda and straightening up the azalias on the indoor lufa lounge.
Tomorrow, the first official announcement goes up, so if you wanna contribute, claim a category and hand out an award.
In the meantime, your humble narrator is once again in New York trying to detox from the poison that is Los Angeles. The cure: A slice of East Village Brooklyn Pizza, sushi at Tomoe, breakfast at the Popover, and, of course, sooner or later, late night Bistro Burger.
Cuz that’s how I roll NYC style.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB Book The DB1 is Currently Reading Pick of the Week: “They were insane with bravery and fools for battle, but like men from one end of the world to the other, they were slaves to their appetitues and to their love of treasure, and with their decks piled high with gold, fresh meat and casks of Georgian wine, the Northmen must as a matter of the highest principle choose profitable retreat over the doubtful glories of combat.”
I never did hear the end of the joke John Bender tells before falling through the roof. What happened to the naked blonde with the poodle and the salami? There must be an answer.
Forensic science colleges
may be perfect for those who want to know the full story. (Resource Link)
Just when you thought there was nothing else they could douche up with garish and vile design atrocity, here’s Ed Hardy Luggage.
Ubiquitous Red Cup continues to gain social stature as an icon of Americana. No mention that it’s also an icon of douchey party photographs. But that’s why I’m here.
There are few athletes in history I have loathed as much as sanctimonious blowhard Tim Tebow. Having blue eyes and endlessly talking about Jesus is enough to see society celebrate an obviously inferior talent in a Nietzchean ubermench style longing for early 20th Century genetic hierarchies, apparently. No ethnic quarterback would ever be given the chance that clown is being given.
The increasingly great Cracked.com offers an overview of Six Classic Songs That Were Supposed to be Jokes. What, no mention of Mahler’s Fifth?
Can a guy be heterosexual and still enjoy pictures of baby meerkats? I say yes.
But you are not just here for cute llama pics. You are here for Pear.
And the world is in harmonic butt globule balance once again.
Friday, October 21, 2011Friday Thoughts and Links
We have seen many oiled up Beach Hottness on this site over the years.
But ne’er have I more desired to be power crushed between two sexy suckle thighs of musculature female tilling the fields thigh power crunchitude around my windpipes.
Oh orgasmic woe!!
How soft and deft doth death’s sweet touch be!
When Sophie’s tense and strong, yet softly sweet, thighs envelop my esophageal area in a cataclysmic tidal wave of End Times Dogs and Cats Living Together Mass Hysteria suffocation.
Her suckle supple chew dog spankle showers Freudian Death Drive erotics/necrotics dialectics arrive via perfect pooch spackle.
And Bro Johnson sucks.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB Classic Book Pick of the Week: “Sammy would walk up to a director and say, ‘Spencer Tracy and Marlene Dietrich in Titanic. Do I have to say any more?'”
Yet more signs of the Bleething of American Hotties: Totally Stylin’ Tattoos Barbie!
Foghorn Leghorn considers running for Congress.
Premature Pear to counter the fact that those Bros pics even exist in a harsh and cruel universe.
Ever get confused by bearded asswipes in Silverlake?: Try The Herpster Translator
Lost your I.D.? Try a taco.
What a strange world we live in when Steve Harvey’s Family Feud is busting out raunchy comedy bits.
But you are not here for Family Feud clips. You are here for Pear. And even though Premature Pear already took place, here you go:
For the Sista Hott lovers among us. Go forth. Go forth and imbibe.
