Thoughts and Links
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Friday, July 16, 2010
Friday Thoughts and Links
Oh those Europeans are a wacky bunch. First The Dreyfus Affair. Now this.
Your humble narrator is pleased with another quality week of mock, and props to all the ‘bag hunters and huntresses who fill the comments threads with daily genius. Your humor and cultural deconstruct bring A-List mock to the world. And what more could Jebus want?
I sit. I scratch my toesies because they itch. I enjoy a tasty Hostess Twinkie and microwave some Trader Joe mini-pizzas. Because I’m healthy like that. And I await more Peyton List on Mad Men later this month. Mmm…. quality T.V. with boobies.
Here’s your links:
The great Skweezy Jibbs releases his first music video: Phat Black Women.
What’s fake tanned, pumped up and ridiculously douchey? Wrestler Darren Young. No R.L.R. forgiveneness for that look, Darren.
Douchebag Exterminator gets his own T.V. Show. And by “exterminator,” I mean the annihilation of culture, quality, taste and intellect.
One of the key corporate sponsors of the douchepocalypse, Axe Bodyspray pollutes a boobie at the World Cup.
Reader Bryan creates a pretty hilarious HCwDB Tapout Logo. Could make for some nice photoshop fun for the designers among us.
Eagle-Eyed reader ‘Bagville noticed that Facebook’s online game Farmville is now talking like Stackhouse. Let me know when Farmville finds some whobag jumpoffs.
Mantyhose. For when you absolutely positively need to have the appearance of tribal tattoos on your legs. And yet another sign of the crisis of modernity.
But you’re not here to laugh at Mantyhouse. Well, yeah, you are. But you’re also here for Pear. No week is complete without your Pear reward. So here you go:
Let it never be said that there is no meaning in this universe again.
Friday, July 9, 2010Friday Thoughts and Links
A quiet post July 4th week of hangover here at HCwDB, but things are rapidly firing up for Monday with a nasty smackdown HCwDB of the Week vote.
Your humble narrator is back in the city of Angels, freshly shaved and shorn and smelling like petunias. Or maybe that’s just sweatsock.
Season #3 of Is She Really Going Out With Him? begins shooting in a few weeks in Boston and Scottsdale. And your humble narrator is prepping a new show and finding artful ways to scratch his nethers in public.
HC1 even created an account and may pop into the threads from time to time, so keep a lookout. Times are good. And the weekend is here.
Here’s your links:
HCwDB’s own ‘Bag Huntress extraordinaire, Dicy takes a self portrait, causes telescopic ground erections.
Reader Captain Lame notices a new North Face sleeping bag campaign targeting douchebags, does some creative editing to bring out the subtext.
Manny Manuel proves the old addage: Never trust anyone with two first names. Who is also a scrotepud.
Former reality T.V. mill grist, John Gosselin, attempts to cling to fame by getting increasingly choadier.
Ferrari Guy For Hire. Uhm… yeah. Lets just move on.
The Jersey Shore cast continues to try to sell fist pumping as ironic and self aware. Yeah, and Leni Riefenstahl was just a filmmaker.
That’s right, kids. A Leni Riefenstahl reference. Find that over at The Chive. Actually, if you wait a few days, you probably will.
Proving that Hip Hop and the Crisis of Masculinity in the age of deconstructionism are creating scads of purported heterosexuals in acts of extreme homoerotica, The Brothabags Go Dickslanging.
A little Asian Librarian Nerd Hott makes the world a better place.
Douchebag Bathroom Self-Portraiture moves from trend to full-blown viral infestation. And more. And yet more.
But you’re not here simply to mock Douchebag Bathroom Self Portraiture. You’re also here for the Pear.
Here ya go, a triptych of art pear:
And finally, Shakespear.
In honor of Shakespear: Butt soft!! What light through yonder thigh cheek breaks? It is the east, and Juliet has glorious glutes!
Go forth, kids. For the weekend is uponst.
Friday, July 2, 2010Friday Thoughts and Links
As we wind down the vacation week of July 4th here in the United States, your humble narrator heads for the beautiful rolling hills of rural New Hampshire. Which is newer than Old Hampshire. But not as new as New New Hampshire.
I’ll mostly be drinking, carving figures from birch wood, hiking the Appalachan trail of my mind and percolating on my inner glow.
I plan to meditate on gender normativity. Contemplate the perfection of boobal primacy. And eat a crapload of Twinkies.
Here’s your links:
The greatest invention of the 21st Century, by far: Poo Trap.
A “Duckface” montage for those who like mocking Bleeths.
HCwDB non-legend, Kettlehead, posts the classic iPhone Douchebag Self Portrait on his MySpace page.
My nomination for most underrated great comedy of the 1990s: Bill Murray’s brilliant “Quick Change”. “It’s bad luck just seeing a thing like that.”
More Quick Change genius: Whed-har-to?
Via Failblog, HCwDB legend Poo has a long lost twin sister, Princess Pooia. She was hidden so the Empire wouldn’t know of her affront to 19th Century minstrel shows.
And from a Star Wars reference, we come to the real crux of the situation. And it is this:
Perfect, suckleable mounts of glutteous pristineous. Cabana Pear is not actually in a cabana. Or is it?
Mull this quantum question of the metaphysical, and rejoice. For the holiday weekend is here. And your humble narrator is drunk and lost in the rural.
Friday, June 25, 2010Friday Thoughts and Links
Hark! Your humble narrator is off. On the road, Dean Moriarity style. With a dash of P.J. O’Rourke. Headed for a sneak-attack covert ops mission to none other than Vegas this afternoon. Should get there by sunset.
A weekend of research for an upcoming project? Or an excuse to drink heavily away from the City of Angels in the Heart of Doucheness?
I cannot say.
But if I don’t make it back, know that I met my demise in the following manor: It was Swifferhead, in the library, with the Axe Bodyspray.
Here’s your well earned links:
Warning: Ubergay fistpumping ahead: The Guido Fistpumpers I linked to last week as The Three Bromingos, are still up to no good at 4am. Here’s take two. Richard Simmons just watched this and turned straight.
Yet more riffs in the HCwDB style: Piece of Shit Clothing on Funny or Die.
Speaking of ubergay fist pumping, Old School D.B. Ryan Seacrest is still pretending to be straight.
Justin Ross Lee’s Facebook photos self describe him as a ‘Jew Jetting Whore’ with ‘Mileage Score.’ Perhaps Stackhouse could hire him?
Academic studies continue to confirm that HCwDB is a social and cultural phenomenon grounded in genetic bias.
The scariest creature I’ve ever seen begins 1:28 into this YouTube Clip. Warning: Not for the faint of heart. “But I’d rather drink ’em!” = your humble narrator’s sleepless and terrified irrational and primal night sweats.
And, off that creepy-ass commercial, what you’ve been waiting for, and it is quality.
That single pear is plenty for this Friday. Its firm haunches and prime glutes sing the praises of a moral and just universe.
And so should you. For the weekend is upon.
Friday, June 18, 2010Friday Thoughts and Links
There’s a million stories in the naked city of Angels and devils.
Crooked cops like Buzz Meeks and Ed Exley are messing with the kids in the Ravine as they move in on Mickey Cohen’s traffic.
Bukowski wannabes hit the strip clubs and write stilted verse on cocktail napkins, while secretly hoping the job waiting tables at El Campadre will come through.
In-n-Out still only serves three items. But all three are delicious.
And your humble narrator sits on his veranda, feeds gnats to the venus flytrap, milks the alpacas, and gazes at the northern lights in wonder and appreciation for the gift of boobies. And of douche mock.
Here’s your links:
Archie Comics pulls out its long running HCwDB subtext and finally goes literal, in a bizarre tribute to The Jersey Shore.
2009 HCwDB Douchie Award winning Oldbag of the year, The Leatherbag, is still out there, still shirtless and creepy. Even on Halloween.
Speaking of gay, shirtless and creepy, The Three Bromingos dancing, drunk at 4am may be the funniest and gayest clip three ostensibly straight Jersey douchebags could make. Warning: No Hott counterbalance. Do not blame me for retinal scarring. Hilarious fistbumps occur at 1:23.
Denis Leary rants about douchebags with wool caps when it’s 90 degrees outside on last Friday’s Tonight Show. Sadly, the clip got taken down, but here’s June 6th’s wool cap wearing The Loft Pud comments thread (see Wedgie’s Brad Pitt reference and THEONETRUEDOUCHE and MC 900 Foot Douchebag on the wool cap when it’s hot out). Coincedence? Perhaps.
Continuing the DB1’s paranoid annoyance with so many comedians riffing in the HCwDB style, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog will hand out the Douchebag of the Year Awards on Sunday on Spike. Look for HCwDB to introduce “Victory, The Insult Comic Alpaca” in a future post.
Note to Hollywood comedian types: HCwDB is not open source. Please try to remember that. If you wanna riff comedic in the HCwDB style, simply give my site credit. That’s all I ask.
Speaking of humor origins, via The Huffington Post, this brilliant sound test clip for Alfred Hitchcock’s “Blackmail,” in 1929 shows that Hitch invented the “that’s what she said” joke. “Stand this way, otherwise it will not come out right… as the girl said to the soldier” for the win.
Real punk is still alive in the form of one of the most legendary and underrated bands of all time, still touring today, The Dead Milkmen.
And, of course, their classic anthem, Punk Rock Girl. If you don’t got Mojo Nixon then your store could use some fixin’ for the win.
Punk has always had humor, political satire and absurdist farce as the defining core of its performative anarchy. Never clothing or hair style. Understanding this concept is what separates the real from the bullshit.
Large Man goes to Club, takes hundreds of pictures with hot chicks, making exactly the same pose, becomes a douche through sheer dedication to craft.
Okay, it’s Friday. I know why you’re here. It’s not for my writing. It’s for Pear. And I’m feeling generous.
First up, the college life you didn’t experience: Peek-a-Pear!
Second, a flashback to 1980s blonde Christie Brinkley no-tatt hottness with Pear Supply.
And, finally, because I care, Posture Pear.
Feel the curves of a life well lived. Enjoy. Repose. And reflect. For the mock is complete for another week, and this is your reward.
Friday, June 11, 2010Friday Thoughts and Links
I contemplate the Chinese letter ab tatt on this friday, and wonder whether the giggle hotties really know that it stands for “Beef with Broccoli.” Which, of course, is what Vinny named his weenus.
Yeah, I just used the word “weenus” in a post. Because “Cockmonstrous” is currently being taken over at Perez Hilton. And we blogs gotta ration the terms.
Ahhh… Friday.
Season #3 of my show is official, and my new book proposal is about to go out. Times are good for the age of douche mocking.
However, your humble narrator has had an especially poor diet this week consisting of cookies, alcohol, Hot Pockets, alcohol, tasty Hostess Sno-balls, alcohol, and, for nutrition reasons, chicken pot pies. Health food is for suckas.
Here’s your links:
First up: The douchiest shirt in the world. Price: $1098.00.
The Jizz Singer. Still out there. Still taking iPhone bathroom self portraits.
And don’t forget to follow The Jizz Singer on Twitter for highly stimulating conversation. Doug, he so fresh.
Narcissistic preening suckwad, the uberdouchey John Mayer, is still proving he’s a douchestain.
File under “Captain Obvious:” The Jersey Shore is a Herpes Nest. And to think, I gave the world “Snooki.” I may never work off that karmic debt.
David Mamet’s Lost Masterpieces of Pornography is strange, amusing and bizarre in all the right ways. It almost makes Funny or Die seem worthwhile. Almost.
Et tu, People of Walmart? Not even a link to me for borrowing the title? The internet is a silly place.
Ben Roethlisberger overtakes Jeff Reed as biggest douchebag in the NFL.
Speaking of Jizz Singers, there are many things one should witness in a life well lived. At the top of the list: Neil Diamond in blackface.
As to Laurence Olivier, I refuse to consider anyone in the conversation for greatest actor of all time who puts out performances as shite as this. Tom Cruise as Les Grossman performed in less offensive Jew-face. And DeNiro never needs to apologize for Rocky & Bullwinkle again.
Okay. You’re not here on this Friday afternoon for the DeNiro clip. You’re hear for your reward after another week of quality ‘bag mocking and hott lusting.
And here it is, in honor of the World Cup:
Or, as the Europeans call it… Footpear.
And for those who don’t like Soccer or care about the World Cup, head on over to the beach for…
Never say I did nuthin’ for ya. Now go out there, and if you’re a ‘bag hunter, save a hottie. If you’re a huntress, mock a douche when he hits on you.
For it is Friday. And the weekend is upon.
Friday, June 4, 2010Friday Thoughts and Links
Today I ponder whether, in this, our second year of economic recession, the display of the uber-douchey choadscrote has taken on a desperate, out of time, affect within his spectacle.
When I began HCwDB in 2006, garish spectacle and narcissism by overspending preening tools chasing the ladies was part of a desperate end-of-days orgy of consumption that was prevalent in every corner of our society. But even worse, it was humorless, desperate and the result of the schizophrenia of mass media overstimulation.
Has our culture shifted? Has the shared illusion, the indulgences of our culture of selfishness and consumption in the 00s finally been broken by the harsh realities of check-out time and a bill from the concierge?
I’m not sure. But the douches are still everywhere I look. And the hotties have still not learned to make wiser humpty hump choice. So we carry onward until dawn.
With some tasty Hostess Apple Pies for your hungry narrator. And a sip or three of the Night Train. In an Ubiquitous Red Cup, natch.
Here’s your links:
An example of ‘bag culture today, an eagle-eyed reader snags a Kohl’s Ad featuring Ab Reveal.
If you missed the embedded link above, here it is again, as it must be seen to be believed, and then mocked: HCwDB legendary pud and late night parking lot frolicker, Bobby Batz finally finds a few hot chicks and creates Douchepocalypse: The Movie. (Beware “Crazy Glowstick Hottie.” For her maintenance is high.)
Philips NorelCo targets the growing Groin Shave Reveal market.
Confused language scholars debate the meaning of “I peed in a horse once.”
HCwDB of the Week non-winner The Star Blazer wears zebra pants.
Old Bag, look at your life… your head’s a lot like Skeletor…
Reason to believe in Vishnu and Ganesh #541: Librarian Hotts.
Jennifer Love Hewitt embraces the Ass Pear.
Best show on Broadway right now: Next to Normal. See it. (on a related note: American Idiot was ass)
Some days I enjoy tasty Hostess Twinkies for breakfast. Other days, a microwaved Pop Tart. And other days, I simply gaze into the existential abyss.
And what stares back at me?
and
And Jesus wept salty fuccen tears for all that ass pear he never got to fondle. Go forth. Go forth and spread the gospel of HCwDB. Because that’s what your great grandparents at Ellis Island envisioned when their name was misspelled by a drunk and surly Irishman with a badge.
Friday, May 28, 2010Friday Thoughts and Links
Only a few muted thoughts, as we sail on into this Memorial Day Weekend, and Night Oranger greases up his chest shave to impress Chrissie.
And my thought is this: Life is like a teenage Samoan mudwrestler.
Onery. Dirty. And enjoys tasty samplings of assorted Beech’s candy after matches.
No idea what the hell I’m saying anymore. Here’s your links:
Squidbillies on Adult Swim gets into the animated douche mocking business. I approve.
The Village Voice blog riffs on the Ed Hardy condom, HCwDB style.
Speaking of the Hardpocalypse: Ed Cardy.
One of the greatest SNL sketches of all time: Lord and Lady Douchebag.
With apologies to the late, great Rodney Dangerfield for stealing his line: Now I know why tigers eat their young.
I find soccer to be root-canal painful to watch, but this ad is pretty genius.
And off Benny’s genius performance in one of the true masterpieces of the 1990s, I give you an assterpiece:
Go forth unto Canaan and spread the word of ‘bag mocking. So sayeth Saul’s best friend, Morty. For it was another solid week of ‘bag mocking and hott lusting. And you deserve your weekend.
Friday, May 21, 2010Friday Thoughts and Links
Another solid week of ‘bag mocking and hott lusting on the site, and thanks to all who checked out my appearance on the Adam Carolla podcast. I should do more of those things.
This Friday finds your humble narrator vaguely confused, overstuffed on New York pizza, and wandering the lower east side like a confused Coney Island whitefish.
It’s not official yet, but it looks like my show might be getting another season, so I’m happy and festive and looking forward to future douche mocking in a variety of vertically integrated media formats.
But until then, we mock on on HCwDB.
Here’s your links:
HCwDB in the News: There’s a shout-out to HCwDB on page 9 of this month’s Harper’s Magazine in the article on Sarah Palin (subscriber link only).
The Tecktonik Kid. I can’t tell if he’s a future douche or kind of awesome.
There are Woo Hotties, there are State School Woo Hotties, and then there are Arizona State School Woo Hotties.
Reader DooShnozzle catches ‘bag ads during a Florida baseball game.
And speaking of baseball tags, longtime HCwDB ‘bag hunter MC 900 Foot Douchebag goes to a Yankee game, tags an uber Jerzey Guid. And again.
The inventor of the Chipwich, perhaps the most important invention of the 20th Century other than the Flowbee, has died.
Welcome Back Kotter’s Carvelli was all kinds of awesome. Even if a bit retro-douchey. I’ll have to meditate on this contradiction.
Speaking of proto-douches: Hefty Smurf.
If she wanted Donkey Douche’s name tattooed on her arm, she should’ve been prepared for the PAIN. (warning: annoying female tattoo freakout sounds in that clip)
When the sum total of all of the advancements of 20th and 21st Century technological innovation are tallied, there will be only one justification above all else: The ability for people all over the world to watch Deer Versus Fat Guy.
Okay. I know why you’re here. You want your payoff for another week of quality mock. Well, you’ve earned it. Here ya go:
Not enough?
Okay. Have some fur pear too.
Because I care about you. Now go. Drink. Be merry. Mock a choad. And fondle a thigh.
Friday, May 14, 2010Friday Thoughts and Links
A humid and sunny Friday for your humble narrator in the City of Angels.
The podcast I recorded with Adam Carolla last week will go live on Tuesday, so be sure to check it out. We riff on all things Grieco and douchey.
This weekend, your drunken babblefish will fly to New York, where I will consume tasty Hostess products and wander the streets of the lower east side. As I await my show’s third season pickup from MTV, I am pensive. And unshaven.
But if there’s one thing I’ve learned in my years wandering this earth, it is this: Plants are just mammals with roots.
Here’s your links:
MSN’s “The Surf Report” reads HCwDB, discovers Pumpito. But doesn’t give credit where credit is due.
Prankster ‘bag hunters cleverly mock a tanning salon using Oompa Loompa iconography. Nicely done, street-art satirists!
In redundant news, Dallas Mavericks owner and internet lottery winner Mark Cuban is a douche.
Reader Angie tags us a depressing license plate in New York. On a Ford Mustang, natch.
A day in the life of Suzie McCoppin’s boobs.
Baskin & Robbins comes up with Jerz Cream.
Douchebags in the News: Don’t forget to get vaccinated!
Okay, after another week of enduring a Pumpito clip, you deserve a real reward. And reward you, I shall.
What’s more glorious than the glories of Tub Pear?
Or, if you prefer your pear of the Asian varietal, there’s the glories of Kimchi Pear.
And for that, you’ve been suitably rewarded for another quality week of mock.
Go forth kids. Go forth and sing the harmonies of life’s maddening illogic. And grab a grabby butt while you’re at it.
