Thoughts and Links
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Friday, May 7, 2010
Friday Thoughts and Links
Today’s Friday finds your humble narrator hopped up on pixie stick sugar, only semi alcoholized, and dreaming of pensive marshmallow skies with floating boobies uponst their softness.
Yesterday I did the Adam Carolla podcast, and it should be going live in the next few weeks, so stay tuned for that.
As to last week’s vote for the Hall of Hott, there was simply too much disagreement, and I’ve ruled that all three did not make it. No, not even Brenda. It was a surprising vote, but the ‘bag hunters have spoken. And so we move on. Sadly. But Brenda is still in the running for a 2010 Douchie Award, so fear not.
Here’s your links:
As Jay Mohr’s career fades, his doucheyness rises.
Ten year old boy pulled out of school for looking like a douche.
Simply watching YouTube sensation Zuzana workout will exhaust you in 15 minutes, 30-45 seconds, depending on how many oysters you ate.
My latest Semitic brunette librarian hott obsession, the perfection of Israeli model Gal Gadot. More Gal. Gal Hott. Gal Uberhott. She makes my loins weep for the bleakness of a godless and cruel universe and humpty pillow gnaw as temporary salve.
This site gives HCwDB a nice shout out. Much obliged, fellow hunters.
In France, eagle-eyed reader Cary snaps a pasty shop that may or may not be run by Hall of Scrote legend Cro ‘Bagnon.
And over in Germany, the douches go for walks in their underwear.
Speaking of Germany, lets take a moment to mock the Hitlerbag. Chinpubes go on the upper lip, asswipe.
Okay, after Pumpito, I owe you double pear today. And I will not disappoint.
First up: Veranda Pear. As she contemplates the economic limitations of her third world region, we contemplate butt chomp.
And finally, because you’ve earned it, the long anticipated:
Cheeks that could crush wallnuts.
Go forth. Go forth and mock. And go forth and chomp. But, most importantly, tease someone with a faux.
Friday, April 30, 2010Friday Thoughts and Links
Another excellent week of ‘bag mocking and hott lusting, as we settle into the new site layout. Gold tatt stars to all.
Fellow ‘bag hunters and huntresses, it is 2010. The mock is moving into global influence. Your important work is beginning to turn the tide.
If you haven’t already, you can create a profile on the site by signing up here.
Also, you can follow your humble narrator on Twitter. And join the Hot Chicks with Douchebags Facebook page, which I didn’t actually create and aren’t sure who’s running it, but hell, it seems like it’s one of the regs so I’m supporting it.
Me? I gots me a bottle of the quality Mogan David stuff. A DVD of vintage Peter Davison Doctor Who featuring Who’s hottest companion of all time, Nicola Bryant as Peri (mmmm… more Who era Nicola Bryant, and more)
The ‘bags are safely mocked into a state of collective emasculation. The hotts are objectified in reductive and Pavlovian ways. The chaos of life has been classified, quantified and processed nicely via the simulacrum for the week, giving us the illusion of order in a bleak and existential universe.
Here’s your links:
There are many types of douchebag. But there is only one iconic template for Jerzey Guid. (warning: HCwDB cannot be responsible for eye gouging after viewing that pic)
Hey Chive writers, I appreciate all the “inspiration” you keep drawing from my site, but could you at least toss a brotha a link when using my site’s name in your headline?
Friend of HCwDB, the sexy Suzie McCoppin is gettin’ her blog on by asking why DJs get so much ass?
HCwDB legend and Closet of Poo enshrinee, Cheeto Man finds Love with Celery Woman. (warning: Pic is worse than the Orange Jerz Guid, HCwDB takes no responsibility for viewing this pic)
In politics, Goldman Sachs to utilize ‘Douchebag Defense’.
Retro Hipsterbag Origins: Gary Gnu from “The Great Space Coaster”
Eagle-Eyed reader Alex tags a “Bags Jag.” Which is redundant.
When white boys douche it up to rap in their dorm rooms for the camera, we’ll be there. To laugh at his pasty ass.
Douche Glue. For when Crazy Glue doesn’t get the hair pointy enough.
Now that’s some effen vodka!
Okay, enough of the other links. I know what you want. And for all your hard work, you’ve earned not one, but two pears for this evening’s festivities.
First, I give you Step Pear. Whose perfect ratio of curve defines 3.1415.
And secondly, I give you the oily pat bottom perfection of:
Go forth, friends. Go forth and bongo.
Friday, April 23, 2010Friday Thoughts and Links
Yup.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again.
Some week we mock the ‘bags. And some weeks, the ‘bags mock us. And some weeks, even the hotties are douchey. And we all start drinking.
Here’s your Friday Links:
Where do you find Douchebag? Between bitch and ho.
Large Chicks with John Mayerbag.
Some days I like to contemplate the great Kantian shift in understanding subjectivity and the limitations of human consciousness. Other times I like to contemplate Kitty Boob.
Tanning beds might be addictive. In an unrelated story, so are tasty gummi bears.
Kumar gets mugged on the way to White Castle.
Ladies and gentlemen, Timmy Gaga. From the Disney iconography to the overweight confusion of overstimulated childhood, all that is wrong with America encapsulated in one YouTube clip.
Terminal Lance, a military inspired comic strip, mocks the doucheyness of Ed Hardy. Semper Fi, good Sirs!
In Denmark, there’s a bar shaped like a rectum. Where you go to get wrecked, um. I apologize for that last joke.
Band vs. Promoter. A story of life, love and the indie music scene. Totally epic.
Great video games Hall of Fame: 1987’s Police Quest. Where Helen Hots lived fast and died young.
Okay, enough of the random links that helps me relive childhood innocence (and I’m referring, of course, to the rectum bar). Here’s what you’ve been waiting for.
Here’s what you’ve earned.
Begin “change of fluid” jokes… now.
Go forth. Go forth and celebrate. Another day of living. Another day of life. And another day of pear.
Friday, April 16, 2010Friday Thoughts and Links
Another solid week of ‘bag taunting and female gender form admiring, props to all for the great and hilarious ‘bag hunter and huntress comments in the threads.
Your ambiguously alcoholic narrator finds himself pedantic and lugubrious on this sunny Angeles Friday. Although I’m not quite sure what pedantic nor lugubrious means. Which might explain only get a 600 verbal on the SATs. Stupid SATs. If Laurie Glatzer hadn’t sat in front of me showing 3/4″ ass crack, I would’ve gotten at least a 620.
I await and away with baited respiration and expectant lasciviousness for a season 3 pickup for my TV show. But wait, I must. For the powers that be consider and consider.
So I muse on what mathematician Fermat once described as “The Holy Boobie Curve Ratio:” The perfect ratio between texture, bounce, firmness and distance to belly button. Or, as Fermat theorized: 3.1415gnaw.
That’s all the math you really need to know to explain how the Egyptians built the pyramids.
Here’s your links:
HCwDB parking lot frolicker and hat tilt extraordinaire, the douchey Bobby Batz is still out there. Still ritalin enhanced. And don’t forget Bobby’s Shoutout to all the Haters out there.
Dolphin Beach Tan has the perfect logo for irony even Alanis Morisette could understand.
Speaking of douchey tanning: Sunblast Mobile Tanning. For when you’re too lazy to even get up off your ass and seek out a choady glow, the douchexperts come to you.
The Tralfamadorians, with their crazy alien language, love HCwDB. At least as far as I can tell.
Bert Blyleven would like another take.
Okay. You’ve been waiting for it. Today we go with abstract expeartionism.
What? Not enough?
Okay, have some Cityscape Pear.
Go forth und mock die douchen. So sayeth your narrator in his best German accent.
Friday, April 9, 2010Friday Thoughts and Links
Some days, the sun is out. Other days, it rains. And some days, Jed The Creepy Wankscrote at the beach hits on Penny the Barely Legal. And God weeps an existential tear.
Your humble narrator apologizes for the late Friday Thoughts and Links, my fellow travelers on the ‘bag mocking and hottie gnawing pathways of life. I was in midair, having just flown to Boston, and thus spent the past five hours marveling at the lack of hott flight attendants these days.
I thought they all looked like Zooey Deschanel in Almost Famous. Guess not.
Here’s your links:
HCwDB’s legendary Vin Douchal composes an ode to 2009 Hall of Hott finalist Francine. “I’d still do you if you were a tranny, give you a reacharound while boning your fanny” for the epic lyric win.
Buy Vin Douchal’s HCwDB Tracks on iTunes and support a dedicated ‘bag hunter.
Kids are now lighting each other on fire with Axe Bodyspray. About time.
Ghetto Preacher He ain’t worried, beyoch!
Jordano hopes for a “carrer” in fashion and modeling.
HCwDB gets cited in the footnotes of a peer reviewed academic journal. Academia must account for the potency of the cultural critique and deconstructions of the signifier offered by Hottie/Douchey dialectics if there is to be any accounting for the culture industry in the transmedial age.
The future Queen of England, Katie Price, wears Ed Hardy while riding. Off with ‘er head!
Piano Chat Improv Guy justifies YouTube. But not Chatroulette. Which is stupid and creepy.
The great Billy Zabka has a cameo in Hot Tub Time Machine. For those into 80s John Cusack comedies, check out my trip to Lane Meyer’s Better Off Dead house, back in the halycon days of the site, 2007.
Ed Hardy teams up with Lindsey Lohan. To spread crotch itch both literal and figurative.
Props to Yep Yep for acknowledging HCwDB’s trailblazing role as the first of its kind.
As does blogger Johnny Utah, who give HCwDB proper credit in the ‘bag mocking timeline.
Mos Def on Yo Gabba Gabba teaches the kids about the positive effects of drugs.
And finally, for all your hard work once again, I give thee not one, but two quality ass pears to carry forth unto Shabbat:
Coquettish Pear. Bashful, with a touch of coy. I would nibble lightly, and with pensive antipathy.
And Off-Off-Broadway Pear. More entertaining than a Neil LaBute play about misogyny’s corrossive effect on the modern male.
Go forth, fellow mockspians. Go forth and ferret out Grieco Virus, in whatever form you find it. For the weekend is atwixt and upon and apear. And it is good.
Friday, March 12, 2010Friday Thoughts and Links
A bouncy week for your humble narrator, as his time meditating on the boobie hottie suckle thigh (quality brunette edition, pictured here) and mocking the choadscrote (multihairwanks, pictured here) was distracted by all sorts of things like “CSS code” and “hosting site.” The internets are a silly place. But they allow us cultural mock as a form of societal shock treatment. So for that, we be grates.
Here’s your links:
In a bizarre form of cross-culture pollination of poo, Ed Hardy style is now influencing cowboy hats. Up next: Limited edition Ed Hardy Hitler Youth Swastikas.
Little children reenact The Jersey Shore. Hmm… maybe we should do a ‘bagling episode next season on Is She Really Going Out With Him?
2008 Douchiest Athlete of the Year winner, kicker Jeff Reed, douches it up with former President Bush. Later, they Jagerbombed Iraq.
Hall & Oates on SCTV in “Chariots of Eggs.” Bizarre early 80s comedy genius.
Random sites continue to rip me off in strange ways. “This entry was filed under ‘baseball'”?
Mattel adds to it’s Barbie line with its latest, Douche Ken. Or perhaps Liberace Gay Ken? Or is that redundant.
The Stackhousian poetry of “Get Some” continues to spread like a viral douche plague mating call.
Hall of Hott legend Veronica, whom the DB1 can personally certify as quality suckle thigh, gets posterized.
Korean Man Marries Pillow. In a related story, I groped a cushion.
Okay.
You’ve been very patient with the site transition. For all of your hard work, here ya go. Spend it wisely:
Go forth, kids. Go forth and mock in the grandest of the Oscar Wilde, Lenny Bruce and George Carlin traditions.
Wednesday, February 9, 2005Friday Thoughts n’ Links
Well, yes I failed to post a Friday T&L last week. You see, I found a target of opportunity that kept me rather…busy. If you know what I mean.
And also, my new band is ready to start gigging the Gulf Coast area, so I’ve been finessing my bass-playing skills.
But that doesn’t mean I’ve not been scoping hotties, big and small (dayum, people, 6′-8″ girl’s left boob is bigger than the spinner’s head!!!). In fact, I’ve been scoping all things big and small.
We both know none of you clicked the above links. *sigh* Very well. Here:
I want to ride that Bicycle Pear
Really Big, Yet Not Dark, Socks Pear
Now go forth unto your bunks.
Fappers.
Thursday, February 3, 2005Memorial Day Weekend Thoughts & Links
Grampa here gets a Nottadouche Pass™ for being one of our honored veterans (he was wounded in Gettysburg…during the Korean war. Long story.) Let us all throw a slab of animal on a hot grill this weekend and reflect on those who never came home.
Yes, it’s that time of year to celebrate our awesome military – where many of us go for a long ride, way across-country, to hang out with family members we don’t really like (like our weird cousin Arnie) and eat good food.
But you pervs came here to open up links about women, didn’t you?
Have at:
Patriotic Right To Pear Arms Pear (not bad for 53…)
I Refuse To Accept That Poo Comes Out Of This Pear Pear
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butt Hair Pear
Thursday, January 27, 2005Friday Thoughts and Links
Shirts and other various upper-torso type garments are for losers. That’s the message Slugs Grifty here is rockin’. Deal with it.
Zucchini – The Other White Meat…?
“Draw me like one of your French Zucchinis…”
What America’s ugliest transgender person is into.
Speaking of healthy organic consumables…Pear:
Why Would You Stand In A Window With Yo Pants Down Like That But Im Okay Carry On Young Lady Pear
Yes I had to look twice to make sure that was a thumb Pear
I’ll bet $20 you are physically unable to do a keg stand Pear
I’ll Be In My Bunk Which Is A Metaphor For Masturbating Pear
Please Allow Me To Pack Your BackPack Pear
*sigh*
Saturday, January 22, 2005Friday Thoughts n’ Links n’ Underboob ‘n Such
DarkSock here with the Naked Truth. And for heralding that truth I’ve received a certain amount of well-deserved celebrity. Because this Jersey Jihad is our collective dream. We know what we stand for. The day Jay Louis (if that is his real name) lost a woo-hott to some greasy trust-fund troglodyte the gauntlet was thrown; shit got real. This site reached unimaginable peaks, and though the salad days have passed, we’re still holding it together here.
Oh, we have accomplished historic things. We have defined and attacked Nastiness and ugliness. Sometimes what you must witness is hard to grasp. We will cope by any means necessary. We reflect and struggle and render our judgments in solitude. Although probably not like Reverend Chad.
Yet we’re hardly scratched the surface of the virgin territory of What. Is. Douche.
Speaking of “virgin territory”, here’s why you slavering beasts keep clicking these links, like lab vermin waiting for them sweet sweet pellets o’ female topography:
