Thoughts and Links
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Friday, May 10, 2013
Friday Thoughts and Links
Fashion.
Like taking a dump on coherency by way of anal plutonium.
That’s my new slogan and I’m sticking to it.
Because I know fashion.
Why, just the other week, I asked HC1 if my Land of the Lost sweater vest would clash with my gaberdine suit. And bow tie which was really a camera.
Cathy, I’m lost, I said as we boarded a greyhound. Which was odd because her name is not cathy, and it is very hard to board a dog. Even a large one.
My references are so out of date, they smell like moldy gouda.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB Please Buy Something on Amazon To Help Pay for the Site link of the week: “Woo woo woo!! Hey Hey Hey!!”
This is not an appropriate way to remove an appendix.
Do you have a hose that grows in your pocket? Would you like to?
The future of entertainment: Ryan Gosling Won’t Eat His Cereal.
When I think of Pear Domination, this is not what I think of.
Why yes, I would like a side order of confusion.
Kisseus Vomitorious lives in an NWA video from 1992.
Okay, I got nuthin’. So here’s your Pear:
The purity of essence of femininity as imagined by fifteen year olds who read comics.
Friday, May 3, 2013Friday Thoughts and Links
On this, the celebratory day of Kisseus Vomitorious’s gym wedding, when his shriveled nads swear undying allegiance to Chick o’ the Day ™, let us bow our heads and pray.
Oh Lord, ye of such awesome and swirling powers of powerfulness, why doest thou create hair grease and orange pec shave?
In a world of sexy nubile hott, why doest thou give them such poor life choices? Is it a lesson? A moral challenge? A test of Job-ian proportions?
Lo. Hark. Alack.
Let us pray. For HoHos.
Here’s your links:
Your Weekly Amazon Buy-Something-And-Support-the-Site Link: “Jelly Baby?”
It’s official: Twinkies and HoHos live! And so does your humb narrator.
The 50 Comedians You Should Know. No sign of the DB1 on the list. I blame my agents.
Speaking of that list, my new favorite comedian is without a doubt Bo Burnham. Genius stuff.
Husband. Father. Plastic Surgeon. Rock Star. Douchebag.
According to FHM, Semitic Boobie Hottie Suckle Thigh Mila Kunis is the #1 Sexiest Woman in the World. I can’t disagree, although a write-in vote for the new Doctor Who companion Jenna Louise Coleman, even if she can’t act and this season has been awful so far. Holy Jebus that show has gone off the rails.
Speaking of hot semites (not counting waspy Jenna Louise Coleman), meet Haim. Three hott LA Jewesses. This week, Canter’s Deli. Next week. The Upper West Side.
Is Sideboob Trendy or Trashy? The correct answer is glorious.
From HCwDB’s own Choad the Douche Sprocket: The 66 Greatest Juke Box Songs.
James Hughes, son of legendary Bueller director John Hughes, pens an amazing piece for Grantland on his father’s love of hockey. Well worth a read for how each of us processes our childhood memories and experiences into our adult loyalties, affections, and shared construction of identity.
Okay, ’nuff of all that. Lets get to the Pear.
First up: Brazil’s Best Pear of the Year. But since that’s an article, lets get to the pics. Here ya go:
And when you speak of me, speak kindly.
Friday, April 26, 2013Friday Thoughts and Links
Like poo water for poo chocolate.
I have no idea what that means.
Douchebags may have become society’s denatured clowns, but the mock continues as the herpsterbags and Cosplaying pseudo-nerds take over their slots of arrogance.
Hmm… “Slots of Arrogance.” Wasn’t that the original name of the Jeff Bebe Band?
Here’s yer links:
Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “A strange man defecated on my sister.”
While my hometown of Boston went through a lot over the past few weeks, let us never forget the genius of the Boston accent. Wicked. Wheas tha nehrest Dunkin’? Because Bostonians love being reduced to a cultural stereotype. Like Alison Porchnik.
The Huffington Post asks, Are the Boston Bombers just Douchebags? I was not, as I should have been, consulted for this article.
When genocide in Syria needs to be tuned out, lets get our priorities in order: The Absolute Worst Things in the World.
Ever wonder about the DB1’s deepest darkest illicit fantasies? They involve chocolate syrup, a ping pong paddle laced with candy corns, and them. The things I would shear…
There are movies. There are good movies. And then there’s The Killing of Satan.
Dumpster in a Bag. Also known as an out of work bartender in Vegas.
Bored this weekend? 30 Abandoned Places that are Beautifull. Amazing stuff.
Okay, you’ve been good. Enjoy Triple Hula Pear:
Hula Pear #1 Hula Pear #2 Hula Pear #3
Toggle back and forth with your dongle and it’s like staring at an early Muybridge photoplay.
What? Not enough?
Okay. Have some
Because surreal is a reminder of the traumas of the 1960s generation.
EDIT: Hula #3 link fixed. Mmmm… hulapear…
Friday, April 19, 2013Friday Thoughts and Links
Kinda hard to keep up with the mock when Fratbags become terrorists.
But, as terrorist versions of Chainsaw and that Blonde Guy from Summer School wrap up their terrorism spree, my thoughts turn to… Watertown???
Seriously, Watertown?
Even Somerville mocks Watertown. Truckers don’t even stop for bathroom breaks in Watertown. Although I did spend many a high school Saturday journeying to the Arsenal Mall because I was convinced that malls were where the chicks hung out and there were no malls in Brookline.
It turns out that, back in the 80s, high school chicks did not actually hang out in malls. At least not in Boston.
Consider that a life lesson learned.
Here’s yer freakin’ links:
Why not take this time to learn more about Chechnya?: A Small Corner of Hell: Dispatches from Chechnya
Eel Shoved Up Man’s Anus Eats Its Way Through His Intestines. Or, as I like to call it, dating.
Let the attention whoring Thrift Shop parodies continue: Pot Shop.
Sorority Bleeths in the Slimeball Doucharama. Or perhaps “greatest email ever.”
Ah screw this. I got nuthin’ while this crap is going down. Time for Pear:
Not enough?
It’s almost enough to distract you from a chaotic week. Almost.
Friday, April 12, 2013Friday Thoughts and Links
Didja hear the one about the Bald Asian Guy Obsessed with Black Culture, the Hot Bar Wench and the skinny bottle of Champagne?
You haven’t?!?
Okay, so a Bald Asian Guy Obsessed with Black Culture and a Hot Bar Wench walk into a bar. So they say to the Bartender, “Hey Bartender! Give us a skinny bottle of your best skinny champagne!”
And the bartender goes, “Okay.”
And the bartender gives them two bottles of skinny champagne.
Here’s yer links:
Your HCwDB Historical Text-Book of the Week: The Reign of the Phallus: Sexual Politics in Ancient Athens
Douchebags begin to experience regret in the form of skin removal techniques.
Okay kids, time to play another round of Greatest… Headlines… In… History. And… we have a winner.
Poop in space gives new meaning to the overused term, “Floating Frozen Feces Orbiting a Planet.” What, you don’t use that term in everyday conversation? Where do you hang out?
Okay, screw all this links. Lets get to it:
Not good enough? Okay:
Like a summer breeze. Wait, what?
Friday, April 5, 2013Friday thoughts and links
As I author this week’s Thoughts and Links from my thinking loft at Sock Manor, it appears to me that Pointy Pointdexter here either is trying to literally make a point, or he’s waiting for that booger to dry up and flake off. Either way, Terri Tautness stands by his side, giddy with glee and oblivious to this sentient poo that aims to brown her supple loins with his ruddy baggery.
This is why we fight. Tune in for the Saturday edition for another reason why we fight.
Here’s your Friday Links, Son:
Mid-Century illustrator Art Frahm, who toiled away in obscurity in the 50’s, knew only two things: drawing dames with great gams, and the destructive effects of celery on the elastic waistbands of female panties. Even super-heroine’s squirrel covers.
I am lobbying DB1 for space in his forthcoming 2023 Guggenheim exhibit for some of my own work. I mounted a horse once.
Sure, you all knew that your daily visits to this site gives you 100% of the USDA recommended levels of revulsion and Renob…but did you know this site could help you live an additional 4 years via staring longingly at boobies? Just don’t stare at jogging boobies or you’ll wind up like this guy.
Here’s the perfect gift for that Broheim in your life who has less chest hair than a fetal pig: Now he can instantly look like real men. Or Ron Jeremy. Especially if you ever rip it…
Speaking of Furry Things, did you ever want to process your own unicorn meat? Well now you can. First, you loosen the bung. It’s not as easy as it looks. Ummm…this is kind of harsh; boy that escalated quickly.
Forget all that. You’re not here for Furries and Unicorn meat (except possibly Goolo); you’re here for Pear. Very well:
You Really Have To Hand It To Her Pear
Them’s your links. Tune in this weekend for gratuitous pear; enough to extend your life 8 years.
Friday, March 29, 2013Friday Thoughts and Links
If prom night in Long Island is ever held at a dental convention, it might look a little… something… like this.
So your humble narrator, while hardly a “gamer” in any sense of the word, has been known to occasionally slip into xBox-land every year or so for a solid month of brain numbing retreat and coma-inducing flickering of pixel hypnosis.
That year is this week. Wait, what?
Yes, I am one of the masses attuned to BioShock. The first game offered breakthrough in multimedia storytelling technique mixed with pop-art the likes of which are rarely seen in any medium. Its mixture of game play, fantasy, literature, nostalgia, storytelling, and groundbreaking taboo violation can only be called art.
While I am barely into the game, BioShock: Infinite will inevitably disappoint. One can only have their mind blown by a new form of art once. Repetition, and nearly all games are ultimately repetitive redundancies gussied up in fancy new clothing, is inevitable.
Still, it’s nice to see hundreds of millions of dollars committed to a real vision, while cinema continues to bleed genericism from every crappy action pore. Star Trek has been generified, reduced to awful one liners and standard Michael Bay cityscape explosion porn. And now Disney and JJ Abrams are out to castrate whatever originality is left in the decaying Star Wars corpse. Movies are as devoid of life and originality as a Fembot 3000.
Games may be our only hope.
Here’s your links:
If you ever doubt the potential for majesty and grace in the human race, doubt no more. And yes, I know it’s a commercial in the end, but who cares.
The genius of Steve Martin in silent form: The Great Flydini.
Floridian Frauxhawk Pudwack starts paper towel fire, flees on skateboard, gets arrested.
And just when you thought douche culture was winding down… I give you meggings. Yep. Male leggings.
Need a new blog to follow? Angry people in local newspapers. Enjoy this while the concept of local newspapers still exists.
Douches at music festivals. That title may be redundant.
Pear? Pear, you say?
Or perhaps, Peartopia on Facebook.
Okay, here’s your Pear with a bit of douche on the site:
Asspear and the Largeman Twins
All that is spandex in a spandex universe.
Friday, March 22, 2013Friday Thoughts and Links
Thanks, Roidbags!! Without your help guiding my optic gaze, I had no wherewithal whatsoever!!
And yes, that is what we call, sarrrrrrcasmmmm.
I have no idea why I’m writing in my teenage voice.
But sometimes we all just gotta let that venty, moody, pissant teenager that still resides in all of our chestal cavities out to air out the old verbiage.
Ohhhhh, reallllllllly. Is that what you haveeeeee to do?
Stop it.
Get back inside.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB Random Amazon Link You Should Click on And Buy Stuff to Help Pay For the Costs of Keeping the Site Going: “They say that it was so hot in the city today, grown men were walking up to cops on street corners begging them to shoot them.”
For the future DB1 Jr., this will be for his fifth birthday.
For you Bill Simmons fans, ever wonder what the sound of a rusty steaknife cutting through a well aged steak sounded like? Now you know.
Speaking of which: Truth In Advertising.
Clan.
Bored this weekend? Why not take some time to enjoy some repetitive photos?
So what’s up on the Jersey Shore these days? Shoe-holes.
Speaking of which: The Jersey Thor. I still blame myself.
In case you missed it yesterday: A High School in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania smells a whiff of freedom.
Nice. And from good news in the war on douche, I takes you to Pear. First up:
Not enough to ride into your weekend? Okay, have some
Don’t ever say I didn’t do nothin for ya.
Friday, March 15, 2013Friday Thoughts and Links
And then this happened.
So your humble narrator is currently obsessed with Denali Mint Moose Tracks. Perhaps the finest ice-cream flavor in the history of your momma. It’s like licking nirvana.
Do not judge until you have imbibed.
Partaked.
Partooken?
Who the hell knows.
That shizz is genius.
Here’s yer links:
Your HCwDB xBox Game of the Infinte Fondle Crotch: Bring it. Bring it now.
Remember “Color Me Badd” from one-hit-wonderdom in 1991? They’re baaaaaackkkkkkkk. And they want to sex you up.
Another piece of the DB1’s childhood dies.
Photographer’s girlfriend leads him around the world (with Global Pear bonus!)
FloridaMan on Twitter. Florida, like Texas, is a state of pure asswipe.
Swedish girls hit a nightclub. Hilarity ensues.
But you are not here for drunk Swedish girls. Wait, you’re not? Then get da hells outta here. There’s nothing more in life.
Okay, maybe Pear.
here’s ya go:
Uhm, Dude, the preferred nomenclature is Native American Pear. Thank you.
Friday, March 8, 2013Friday Thoughts and Links
There are many cantos of douchebaggery on the journey through Hades that Dante and Virgil have chanced upon.
One of them involves wearing pornography on your t-shirt.
Note to the kids: Do not wear pornography on your t-shirt.
No, no even if you’re cultivating the “Child Molester Stare + Chin Pubes” look.
It is not acceptable.
Under any circumstances.
Hi there, Aging Lacy Sue. I pinch your bottom with a half-sour pickle.
Here’s your links:
For the guy or girl who has everything: Pig Mask
Is there anything more entertaining than animals having sex?
Ten of the Creepiest Celebs in 2012’s #2 is Creepy Oldbag Doug Hutchison.
Scholarly peer-reviewed journal, USA Today, offers critical insight about Spring Break destinations.
When you die, make sure they erect a proper grave.
Film school memories: Marty on Oliver.
And some more: QT on Marty.
Want quality Pear Streaming? No, not that kind of streaming you perv. Facebook’s She Squats offers quality.
Okay. Here’s what you want.
Meh. Okay whatevs. Lets get to the real goods.
Because life is triple good sometimes.
EDIT: Triple Pear link fixed, although it was far funnier the way it was.
