Thoughts and Links
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Friday, September 28, 2012
Friday Thoughts and Links
I just drove by three mules by the side of the road on a dusty Los Angeles street.
On one of the mules was the following link written in gaffer’s tape.
I have read that link.
And I feel enlightened.
At least enough to ignore oily eurodouche hitting on barely legal Swedish Fish.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “A putz? What’s a putz? It’s somethin’ bad, isn’t it? You better take that back or I’m gonna kick your fuzzy butt!”
World’s oldest douchebag corpse discovered! The battle has been long and complex.
Ripped abs or gay porn? Hard to tell anymore.
Bro-ing it up with URC this weekend? Use this handy kegulator.
Twenty-something Brooklyn Herpster tries to defend herpsterism on the merits. Use of “Beer Garden” as a concept = autodouche.
Fun with photoshop: Trekdouche. “Damn it Jim! I’m a scrotebag, not a choadlick!” Or something.
For the lady who has everything: Vibra-finger.
Here’s a fairly amusing parody of an Instagram Hipster Artist.
Sophia Vergara has a’spicey meatballs.
For the philosophers among us: How to explain Heidegger to Douchebags. Screw it, lets open up a restaurant in Santa Fe.
Okay, you’ve been good. Have some.
Real World Adjustment Pearo.
Not enough? Okay, one more. Because I like you:
Like choral harmonies from 17th Century European Indentured Servants. If 17th Century European Indentured Servants were glute chompy chomps.
Friday, September 21, 2012Friday Thoughts and Links
Oh Orange hatted turd and bleeth. How you deserve each other.
Your humb narrs is sipping on a URC of quality Mogen David fortified strawberry and lime wine. To honor the New Year.
I sit my unshaven ass in temple and reflect. And by reflect, I mean checking out the hott Beverly Hills Semitic Suckle Thighs. They of the overpriced bags, dating the overpriced ‘bags.
And so my rants continue, but also in a new venue. Lucky Punkass.
Finally live. No idea what I’m going to say on it. Doubtful many will read it. But I need it for my sanity. So there’s that.
Here’s your links:
“‘”What has restrained the beasts of prey who are called men?'”
Malaysia declares V-Necks to be “gay”. This is awful, bigoted crap. Mock douchebags for looking douchey, yes. I can support that. But targeting gay people based on some supposed dress code? We should drop these clowns into Jersey and let them try to categorize sexual preference based on clothing. Pisses me off. Even makes me want to start wearing a v-neck as a gesture of resistance. Not that I will. Just sayin’.
The many faces of Cusack. Loooong time readers of HCwDB might remember my trip to the Better Off Dead house back in the halcyon days of ’07. Please do not judge my choppy-ass writing in that post, I was still figuring the site out. That movie was perfection. My pilgrimage to Lane Meyer’s home was my own trip to Mecca.
Oh, racism on television. Is there no ethnicity you can’t mock?
The Champagne Sisters (Katie, Kelly, and Karmen) are nothing but trouble. Boobie trouble.
Next thing you’ll tell me is that the obnoxious guy in those 1990s “eat something!” Subway ads was actually Keith Olbermann.
But you are not here for 90s Olbermann. You are here for Pear.
The ripples of a better tomorrow. And, to honor my former life in NYC:
Juicy.
Friday, September 14, 2012Friday Thoughts and Links
Of all the herpsters you want to slap in the uvula with a flyswatter, this is the most fly swatter uvula slapping deserving herpster of all.
The previous sentence brought to you by your third grade grammar teacher’s worst nightmare.
But Skinny Katherine offers quality hott-sweet real-world sexiness, unBleethed by the impurities in our water supply. And so there is hope after all.
Your humb narrs has new projects a’brewin’ again in the long slog world we call the H’wood grind machine. If you still hate me for Snooki, penance will be forthcoming. Either that, or Snooki 2.0.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB Book Pick of the Week: “Downtown, a dress for Meg – I do it every time I kill a man.”
If you have children, no matter what you think, they are not as awesome as this child.
Talented Asian child? Yao, Please!
And to counter the stench of Wiggaz, the genius that is New Sifl and Olly Episode #1.
Riff Raff was employed by my former employer.
Ever wonder what haunts the deepest, darkest, perverted recesses of your humble narrator’s secret bondage fantasies? Now you know.
A new developing in the Bleething of America: Feather Hair.
Quadruplets identified by ‘bag head shaving. No sign of Snooki Baby.
But you are not here for Snooki Baby. You are here for Pear. Of all the submissions this week, none were more chompworthy than:
Like your grandma’s living room. Only with pear.
Friday, September 7, 2012Friday Thoughts and Links
Clownbags + Barely Legal Hotts + iPhones – Dignity = HCwDB
Your humble salivator is doing a three day juice cleanse. Yup. I’ve gone Hollywood, baby. Gotta do something to get all the cheap Five Guys burgers, four gallons of Night Train wine, and various sundry Trader Joes cookie treats I’ve consumed over the past few months outta my system.
So I’se drinking a lot of green shite that tastes like roasted ferret turd.
Judge me if you must. But the pooper needs a break.
Wait, that didn’t sound right.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: I don’t have a quote but mmmm…. Amanda Peet.
Parents who get it.
Turns out recently boobscarred Champagne Katie has a far less Bleethed sister. We’ll call her Champagne Kelly. Unfortunately, Champagne Kelly has an equal predilection for the ‘bags.
Say Jim, that’s a boatload of hottness!
Chuck Norris, American douchebag. A thousand year apocalypse only happens if the Greico and the Bleeth have a child together, don’t you know that Chuck?
Goldblum lives the dream for all of us Hebrew school boys.
But you are not here for Snooki smell. You are here for Pear:
Not enough? Okay, one more, because you’ve been good:
Now go forth and undo all that has been wrought.
Friday, August 31, 2012Friday Thoughts and Links
I realized yesterday, as The Jersey Shore enters its final season, that days go by where my mind blocks out that I am ultimately responsble for the world knowing the name “Snooki.”
I am in denial.
The mocking of ‘bags has brought me much important positive Karma for my Buddhist afterlife and rebirth. So Vishnu told me, by way of Elijah, at the last interfaith Seder.
But I must still make penance for the great cardinal sin of my ‘bag mocking leadership. The poo stain on my flag. The shaming of my ancestors.
The Snooki Baby will be stopped. By my future child. In an epic battle. With way too much CGI. And a wacky robot sidekick.
Here’s your links:
Flight of the Conchords reunites for charity. Brett? Check. Jermaine? Check.
My kingdom and a bottle of Charles Shaw wine to anyone who can explain this pic of Kisseus Vomitorious and Margaret. Regardless, they’s making a serious play for HCwDB of the Year.
It’s good to see Seinfeld keeping busy these days.
The difference between how men and women deal with breakups is pretty clear.
Bros.
HCwDB regular Mr. Biggs observes a Go Topless protest. In a related story, the DB1’s “Shaved Alpaca Pride” convention was not granted a city permit on animal cruelty grounds.
San Francisco coffee shop launches a war on herpsters. Take that, Instagram! Who uses Insta-… oh wait. D’oh.
OKCupid Enemies. I’m thinking of starting “JDateShiksas.com”.
This card is a fraud. There is only one King.
Happy Birthday to Paul Reubens, who turned 60 on Monday. He’s Sorry He Took the Money.
But you are not here to celebrate the birthday of the great Paul Reubens. You are here for pear:
Not enough? How about
Mmm… like succulent globules of pink booble fondle suckle thigh.
Friday, August 24, 2012Friday Thoughts and Links
Ed Hardy Hatdouches.
Still out there.
Still gravitating towards boobies like tractor beamed ‘Falcon.
Your humb narrs is well back into the Angeleno life. Mexican food. Herpsters drinking milkshakes ironically.
It may not be New York. That it most certainly isn’t. But like Hemingway in the islands, I make do with moxie and self loathing. I persevere. By plotting my long game return to New York.
Here’s your links:
So while I was on the east coast, I finally experienced the joy that is Five Guys Burgers and Fries. My experience went a little something like this.
Don’t get excited. It’s not a pear. It’s a tomato.
For those long time readers looking for an investment tip, now’s your chance.
Five Great Things Coopted by Douchebags. “Writing in public” for the win/loss.
Jay Leno. Still a huge douche.
Remember this clown? His name is “Horny Mike.” And he’s now on a new reality show on the History Channel. What does Horny Mike have to do with history? The same thing Flava Flav has to do with video hits 1.
Orange Bros. Yeech.
While Pear overload (fondle) is only reserved for SockWeek, nonetheless, you have been good:
Thems your pears. Go forth into the eve and rescue a hott. Or trip a ‘bag as he heads for the bathroom. For the Weekend is upon.
Friday, August 17, 2012Friday Thoughts and Links – Special Double (Bubble) Issue
Welcome to Friday Thoughts & Links; come on in!
DB1 shall return Monday fully recharged. And by “recharged” I mean “hungover and dehydrated”. In the meantime…Look what I found in Plinky’s Mom’s couch cushions! Some loose change, some loose women, some loose stool…
Actually, I guess it’s pretty crass of me to mock the mother of one of the former regulars in the comments section, especially after her tragic demise. She should not be remembered for eating entire canned hams; rather, she should be admired for her invention of the modern electric toothbrush. Not all of her inventions proved to be so popular, though.
But enough about Plinky’s Mom. Here’s yer links:
In this sea of bimbos and himbos it’s easy to forget the one reason why DB1 began this site. Well, that and this other reason.
Why my name, DarkSock, is not plural…
Finally, for those women whose go-to pose is extreme duckface, there’s finally a line of footwear designed just for you.
Insert your own gaping starfish joke here.
Space/time continuum and the two sexes… Although, to be fair, sometimes it’s okay for the ladies to take their time getting ready… In fact, take all the time you need, Dear. <–For the record, I really like that particular pear.
Why did the Chicken Legs cross the gym?
But you are not here to see some top-heavy ape gimble around on pool-cue legs. No, you are here for some Stone Cold Pear. Luscious, round ass pear. To whence…enjoy!
She’s a Brick House, Mighty Mighty Pear
Wow, That Girl Must Really Love Chicken Pear
Expensive (and Only) First Date Pear
Yellow-Is-The-New-Boner LaPlante
Double Bubble Girls for Hall o’ Hott?
Well, that should test the theory that “Nothing exceeds like excess”.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll just Ride Off Into The Sunset Pear…
Friday, August 10, 2012Friday Thoughts and Links
Your humb narrs is now in Boston for a little family time. Dunkin Donuts coffee will be consumed. Oh yes, it will be consumed.
The legendary ‘Sock has graciously agreed to step in and keep you entertained next week while I troll through the traumatic memories of the teen years and search for Rosebud.
The mock must continue. Oh yes.
King Douchuous the IV and the Bobble Blondes would have it no other way.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB Classic CD of the Week: “I met my love by the gas works wall, Dreamed a dream by the old canal, I kissed my girl by the factory wall, Dirty old town, Dirty old town…”
If you’re a fan of the card games, but aren’t sure about which sites are legit, give pokerblog.com a checkout. It’s also one of HCwDB’s friends, so it’s a good cause, too.
Eagle-eyed Hector tags The King desperately trying to get his fledgling acting career going.
Another eagle-eyed reader, Derek catches a true 100% purity of douche trying to get a job on LinkedIn. “I basically worked here because the girls were hot” for the win/loss.
A bunch of Gwai-Lo Bros get matching Beef with Broccoli tatts. Attempts to locate a self through the iconography of foreign culture continues among the spiritually broken.
Here’s a depressing read on the legacy of Zyzz, aka Mecha Hineyho, in Australia. Rape, ultraviolence, and Beethoven, without the Beethoven.
From the mixed emotions department: Mohawk Guy helps land the Mars Rover.
The technology changes, but the douchebags do not.
Someone named Bill Schultz, who hosts a show on Fox News called Red Eye, is apparently a violently nauseating Grieco Bag. Yeesh, what a greasy maroon.
America’s youth. Still shoving vodka-soaked tampons up their butts.
The Olympics are almost over, but I’m still recovering from the fact that Ryan Lochte wore a grill.
But you are not here for endless Olympic references. You are here for pear.
And if that ain’t enough, try on some
And life suddenly has meaning and worth again.
Friday, August 3, 2012Friday Thoughts and Links
Oh LarryBirdbag. How your white trash ‘stache impresses the hotties of Scranton, Pennsylvania.
Your humb narrs is back in Los Angeles.
A final goodbye to NYC. But a mental promise to the city that if/when I sell my next show, I’mma buy a condo in your overpriced nether region.
That’s the fact, jack.
So a bit light on links this week, but what are ya gonna do. I scratch myself and pontificate on the post-douchebag moment. Thank God for hot chicks.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB Classic CD Pick of the Week: “Well it’s Ninth and Hennepin, All the doughnuts have names that sound like prostitutes, And the moon’s teeth marks are on the sky, Like a tarp thrown all over this, And the broken umbrellas like dead birds, And the steam comes out of the grill, Like the whole goddamn town’s ready to blow…”
Seagalbag. Still out there. Still pretending his last name isn’t Jewish by misspelling it and giving it a French pronunciation and misspelling it.
The real reason people watch the Olympics.
It’s safe to say that, in spite of the gold medals, Ryan Lochte is a bit douchey.
There is art. There is modern art. And there is the greatness that is William Wegman.
The Meyerbag. Still out there. Still shallower than a thimble full of aardvark pee.
But you are not here for boring updates of undeserving hack “celebrity” musician frauds who suck the tailpipe on the jalopy of life. You are here for pear.
Or, if you need to be pro-American in your pearabrations:
In the spirit of the games. And the fact that it’s overdue that the world admits the #1 reason one billion people watch the Olympics: hot, young, grunting, global chickas in bikinis and tight spandex.
Friday, July 27, 2012Friday Thoughts and Links
Your humb narrs is spending the week in NYC on a bit of a melancholic mission.
You see, ever since I was a wee lad at NYU back in the 1990s, I’ve had this rent stabilized apartment in the east village. I lived there in a state of perpetual festivity for many a southern moon.
But, after venturing forth to the city of angels in 2002, and many years and roommates and adventures traveling back and forth between Hollywoodland and reality, it is finally time for me to give my beloved apartment up. And cease the stalking of all east village boobie hottie suckle thighs once and for all.
And so I arrive in humid NYC for a final pack-up of all reminders of DB1’s carousing life back in the dreamland phantasmagoria New York. I sit in the rain and eat raisin challah, and reminisce. Back when the federal budget was balanced, the subway was introducing sweet new technology, and “Sex and the City” inspired a generation of 18-24 year olds to order cosmos and make out with strangers on the street.
What a different world stares at me in NYC today. My hatred for conservatism remains unabated. I experienced 9/11 up close, and then watched a bunch of moronic right wing con-men use it to manipulate the rubes for a decade. What damage to this world a bunch of sexually repressed angry old white men have caused. Throughout world history, if you think about it.
But that is all in the past. Well, sort of. But it is a fairly beautiful Friday on 1st Ave. And so I sit at a coffee shop and oggle aspiring model/actresses walking their tiny yapper dogs on 9th street.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB Kindle Book of the Week: “As Mel said to me, he wanted to make a movie that would ‘convert the Jews to Christianity.'”
Ever wonder what a typical day in the Los Angeles life of the DB1 is like?: Robert Blake staring at me by the turkey carving station at Gelson’s.
Speaking of the 90s. When nothing was going on.
CNN covers the Hipster Olympics. To quote Jon Stewart, this… is CNN?
Bleeth runs for the Senate. It’s like a bad early 00s Reese Witherspoon chick flick, only without a Wilson brother.
For the foodies among us, douche mocking now includes a restaurant offering a douche burger. The $666 price tag is pretty genius.
Jesse Pinkman was once on The Price is Right. Gives new meaning to “Showcase Showdown.”
Even the legendary and forever nottabag Snoop Dogg challenges Rockstar Leniency Rule by calling himself Snoop Lion.
7-11 now has a mashed potato vending machine. And it is awesome.
But you are not here for mashed potato vending machine. You are here for pear. And so here’s some un-NYC pear for you:
Attitude that you would put up with. Because you deserve it.
