Von Goolo
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Monday, October 29, 2012
Von Goolo of the Week: Baron Von Goolo (not pictured, it's HCwDB after all)
A hearty and blood sucking round of applause for the brilliant and eviscerating mock brought to the site last week by the great Baron Von Goolo.
BvG is one of the longest tenured ‘bag mockers, a scholar and a gentleghoul, and a true American Vampiric slayer.
The often underexplored connection between Jesus bling and douchebaggery suggests a gothic horror tradition long lurking beneath the surfaces of the ‘bag mock. BvG was our perfect guide into that netherworld on this Hallow’s Eve.
For those of you anywhere within walking/driving/flying distance of Portland, be sure to stop by Frighttown and say hi to Baron.
Your humb narrs is back from a week of alpaca shaving.
And by alpaca shaving, I mean meditating on the relationship between jelly dong and ham dangle.
Lets do this.
Sunday, October 28, 2012THE END TIMES
My friends, it has been nothing short of an experience moderating this blog for you over the past week. We’ve had some good times, haven’t we? Oh, indeed we have. Remember that thing with the thing in it? I know, right? Good times, good times.
As for myself, I’m surprised that I’m able to construct whole sentences after the last two nights at FrightTown. Most people assume that Halloween proper is my busiest and most challenging night, a righteous crescendo to the month long run of a haunted attraction, but no. It’s always the Friday and Saturday before Halloween. Which means that for the last 48 hours I’ve been up to my coal-black nipples in PBR-soaked douchebags and prepubescent hoodrats, each one believing themselves entitled to punching or destroying whatever’s in arm’s reach, just because they bought a ticket. If it wasn’t for the parade of slutty costumes, I’d throw a fence around the whole mob, douse them all in teriyaki and go nuts with a snowblower full of bullet ants.
But the slutty costumes were indeed plentiful. And I digress.
I’d love to stay and chat but I have loins to gird and thousands more pants to fill with terror before I may rest. You all have yourselves a Happy Halloween. And if there are any Hollywood producer types out there reading this, and if you’re looking for a horror movie host to squeeze six seasons of fart jokes out of, you now know where to find me.
Saturday, October 27, 2012UNNECESSARILY SLUTTY COSTUME OF THE DAY: SLUTTY CRY BABY
Aw, poor Cry Baby. Wassa matter?
Are you sad because the costume company took something so pure and innocent that the Catholic Church had to fabricate a sin for it, and turned it into a primer for aspiring pedophiles? At least someone at the catalog had the common decency to turn on Photoshop and rub out her camel toe.
Seriously, ladies. If you pass over all the slutty vampires and slutty Hilary Clintons and grab this one, you’ve bypassed slut and dived straight into horrible person.
Thursday, October 25, 2012UNNECESSARILY SLUTTY COSTUME OF THE DAY: SLUTTY CHINESE TAKE OUT BOX
“Okay, one more time. We’ve got slutty french maid, slutty firefighter, slutty Batman, slutty Finding Nemo… one more, guys. We just need one more.”
“Jeezus, Phil, it’s 4am and it’s only March. Can’t this wait until tomorrow?”
“Tomorrow can blow me. I want that performance bonus. Now what do you got?”
“What I got is to go to bed. Y’all can keep my share.”
“Don’t think we won’t. Okay, who else? How about slutty giraffe?”
“We did that already.”
“Slutty schoolteacher?”
“Get serious, f@#cko. What else? Look around the room. The answer’s gotta be right in front of us.”
“Sure, okay. Slutty dry erase marker.”
“Too much like slutty crayon. RICK! Wake the f@#k up! Waddyoo got?”
“uuuuh, I dunno, fuccen slutty Chinese take out box?”
“Thanks for nothing, assho………………..wait a second…”
Thursday, October 25, 2012CECI N’EST PAS DARKSOCK
You ungrateful bastards.
I give and I give and I give and what do thanks do I get?
“Where’s the gratuitous pear? We want some peh-errrr. Mleh meh meh-ehhhhhhhh.”
Oh, I’ll give you your pear.
Oh yes.
But you know all those stories where you make a deal with a devil, and you ask for immortal life but then a piano falls off a roof and crushes your spine to powder? Or you ask for a billion dollars, but he puts it on the moon? Or you ask for Scarlett Johansson to fall madly in love with you, but then a poodle eats your dick?
Well… here’s your pear.
Or maybe it’s here.
Or here
Naw, I’m just messing with you. It’s here.
I mean here.
Seriously, though. Here.
Here.
…… Here.
There. Are we full now?
I’m glad we had this talk.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012UNNECESSARILY SLUTTY COSTUME OF THE DAY: SLUTTY KISS DEMON
While I applaud much about this costume – the black, the bat wings, the forbidding spikes and the overall demonic motif – I find it not so much inappropriate as just terminally ill-advised. If your boyfriend can maintain an erection while you’re invoking Gene Simmons, your relationship has just become much more complicated.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012UNNECESSARILY SLUTTY COSTUME OF THE DAY: SLUTTY GRINCH
The perfect costume for the bleeth that wants to put the Who in Whore. At least the costume designer had the foresight to add reins.
That pudmunch blindly rutting on top of you might grow three sizes that day, but it will be like he’s stabbing the Innocence of Children with each gritty thrust. Shame on you.
Monday, October 22, 2012UNNECESSARILY SLUTTY COSTUME OF THE DAY
Ever since 1942, when Veronica Lake’s portrayal of a steamy sorceress in I MARRIED A WITCH released Margaret Hamilton’s hammerlock on witch stereotypes in Hollywood, there has been a subtle shift in the whole zeitgeist of Halloween.
Specifically, that year by year, inch by inch, Halloween costumes for women have become progressively hosebaggier by a factor of (and I’m spitballing here) not less than 2 and not more than 2.5%. This incremental (but compounded) shift was barely noticed during the events of WWII and/or was forgiven as celebrations of key moments in history (such as the immensely popular “Naughty Jonas Salk” costume of 1955), but by the late 1980s, the compounded momentum of this new paradigm had irrevocably altered the way that women between the ages of 14 and 40 perceived Halloween, from a wholesome masquerade intended to keep evil spirits from entering your body, to an overt slutfest with the express purpose of having all sorts of business enter your body.
As an expert on all things tricky and/or treaty, I cannot mourn the old ways. No, I embrace slutty Halloween costumes as the hallmark of progress. But now, with costumes some 390% sluttier than they were in 1942, there are instances where the Whore Train has jumped the Slut Tracks and civilians are in danger. So while you are choosing your slutty costume, please note that it should fall within one of the following categories:
ANIMALS (kitty cat, bear [teddy], ladybug)
MONSTERS (witch, zombie, vampire)
POSITIONS OF AUTHORITY (firefighter, cop, priest)
NAUTICAL/MARITIME THEMED (sailor, pirate, mermaid)
JOBS FOR WOMEN (nurse, schoolteacher, cheerleader)
JOBS FOR MEN (construction worker, lumberjack, President)
HISTORICAL FIGURES (Marie Antionette, Harry Truman, Cleopatra)
And while there are many, many examples of perfectly fine slutty costumes that defy these seven categories, there are many more examples of costumes that should not be tolerated in a polite society, and should never gone beyond being a bad joke in the costume company’s break room. Over the next week, we are going to look at a few of these.
Unnecessarily Slutty Costume Of The Day #1: SLUTTY OLIVE OYL
Turning cartoon characters into slutty costumes has an innate creep factor to it that no amount of ironic intent should be able to balance. Although admittedly, if the real Olive Oyl looked anything like this, I could at least start to understand why those two sailors were constantly beating the shit out of each other over her.
Still, failure. If you’re old enough to appreciate who Olive Oyl is, you’re too old to wear this outfit. Slutty costumes are a privilege, not a right.
Monday, October 22, 2012I HAVE SUCH SIGHTS TO SHOW YOU*
We’re hip deep in October, my piggies. The air is crisp and the barometer’s dropping. Eviscerated pumpkins festoon our porches, every child in America will kick-start a life of insulin dependence with a pillowcase full of concentrated sugar, and the Christmas decorations have been in the stores for seven weeks. Sounds like Halloween to me.
And so our glorious leader, the DB1, in his questionable judgment and infinite desire to foist this floundering relic of a comedy blog onto someone else’s shoulders so that he can enjoy a few days of googling teen quartasian cosplay videos in relative peace, has tapped me, Baron Von Goolo, Master of Horror, Mayor of FrightTown and Hunter of ‘Bags, to regale you with a week’s worth of douchebaggery so terrifying, so soul-sucking, that your teetering sanity will have less chance of surviving than Kevin James’ post-Here-Comes-The-Boom movie career.
That is to say, not much.
Booga booga, muggafuggas.
*scary movie reference
