Wallnuts After Dark
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Monday, January 24, 2005
Dispatches from the world of D. Wallnuts – Joe D’s Schvantz
bat’s a swingin’
Legendary BagMeister Douchey Wallnuts reminisces on ol’ Joltin’ Joe for us:
“Joe DiMaggio’s Schvantz.”
How’s that for a sayin’? But that’s what the crew used to say when something weird or unexpected would happen. Why’s that you say? Well lemme tell ya.
Back sometimes in the late 50’s we got to be friendly, through Hef, with LeRoy Neiman – that artist who painted those pictures that up close all look like splotches of color thrown together but look like what they are supposed to look like when you stand back a bit – Na mean?
He painted all kinds a things, but loved broads and athletes the most. LeRoy had a collection a all kinds of photos ‘a athletes, and tole us he wanted to show us some a them, and one a these pictures was a picture of DiMaggio in the shower with one a his Yankee teammates, effin’ naked, cockk and all, and his Gabiles, too. Gabiles, I says.
Needless to say we was all like, “What the fvck is that all about!” We ain’t never seen a picture like that, not never, and the last thing we expected to see that day was a picture of Joltin’ Joe’s Joint. Joltin’Joe’s Joint, I says.
So from that day on, anytime we was surprised by somethin’ or saw somethin’ fvcked up, one ‘a the guys would say, “Joe D’s schvantz!“
Thursday, January 6, 2005March Madness Madness with D. Wallnuts
The March Madness
So here we are again with the whole March Madness thing and it got me thinkin’ about the games we used to influence back in the day. And by “influence” I mean tellin them over-grown, shorts wearin Jamokes that they better do what we says, I says.
We had this guy Pokey Izzo who used to work back there in the training room at the Madison Garden an knew all a the players and knew who was hurt and who was a Hop Head and who had knocked up a dame and such, and he would pass it on to certain parties who knew what to do with such info. Capice?
So anyways, here’s some a my picks for this weekend. Since I don’t know when the Sock will post this here post, I’ll just give you some a my general bettin ideas.
And don’t go askin me about some a these conferences that have who knows who playin who knows where. Na mean? One time this local skel asked me to get down a bet for him on Alcorn State or some shit and so I caved in his mug with a can a scungilli.
The Big East.
Now the Big East ain’t the same Big East it was. Oh sure, some a them teams is the same but there’s a whole bunch a other teams and it’s not as exciting even though they’s still playing in the Garden.
If I was a bettin man, I’d throw some Clams on Xavier to win the whole thing. In think Xavier is in Cincinatti, which is where that broad who was into the enemas was from. She took a Shrimp Scampi enema one day and had me give her what we used to call The Flesh Plunger. Madon, I held my breath until I busted my nut.
The ACC.
This is another one a them conferences that don’t have the same teams in it that it used to have. I’m not a big fan of the Duke with that coach wit a name I can’t pronounce that looks kinda like a rat.
There ain’t nothin special about pickin 2-1 favorites to win nothin so I like Pitt at 12-1.
If I have action, I want action. Any namby pamby half a Finnoch Chalk Eatin high roller wanna-be can bet on a 2-1 Goose, but if I’m fat with Scarole I want the payoff. Am I right when I say that?
The Big 12.
Kansas is +$220 but their center is gimpy and won’t be playin, so if I was you I’d put a Nickel on Oklahoma State at +$360 but if you was really like me and had the stones to boot you’d go with a Dime on Baylor at +$650.
I was in Waco, Texas once when I was the assistant road manager for Count Basie and his Orchestra and it felt like I was a pizza oven. It was so hot I didn’t even wanna get laid, even though I did.
The PAC 12.
I have a lot a fond memories a the days when John Wooden was at UCLA, and by fond memories I mean I made a ton a Cabbage bettin them. We’d get the Outlaw Line and get the jump on the rest a the average schnooks.
Hey, just because UCLA always won didn’t mean they always covered. We won a lot a bets goin with the Puppy back then.
So I’m likin them Oregon Ducks goin off at 9-2. Quack quack. You could hedge and go smaller with one a the favorites or take some individual games on the Hang Cheng if you don’t have the stomach for the big hit. Them Ducks have them crazy uniforms and I once banged a tattoo artist dame from Portland who loved Cutty on the rocks with an anchovy, or some effin’ thing.
Aright, that’s about it. And remember what my old pal Louie the Shin used to say, “One man’s chicken s another man’s Gumbo.”
Thursday, January 6, 2005March Madness Madness with D. Wallnuts
The March Madness
So here we are again with the whole March Madness thing and it got me thinkin’ about the games we used to influence back in the day. And by “influence” I mean tellin them over-grown, shorts wearin Jamokes that they better do what we says, I says.
We had this guy Pokey Izzo who used to work back there in the training room at the Madison Garden an knew all a the players and knew who was hurt and who was a Hop Head and who had knocked up a dame and such, and he would pass it on to certain parties who knew what to do with such info. Capice?
So anyways, here’s some a my picks for this weekend. Since I don’t know when the Sock will post this here post, I’ll just give you some a my general bettin ideas.
And don’t go askin me about some a these conferences that have who knows who playin who knows where. Na mean? One time this local skel asked me to get down a bet for him on Alcorn State or some shit and so I caved in his mug with a can a scungilli.
The Big East.
Now the Big East ain’t the same Big East it was. Oh sure, some a them teams is the same but there’s a whole bunch a other teams and it’s not as exciting even though they’s still playing in the Garden.
If I was a bettin man, I’d throw some Clams on Xavier to win the whole thing. In think Xavier is in Cincinatti, which is where that broad who was into the enemas was from. She took a Shrimp Scampi enema one day and had me give her what we used to call The Flesh Plunger. Madon, I held my breath until I busted my nut.
The ACC.
This is another one a them conferences that don’t have the same teams in it that it used to have. I’m not a big fan of the Duke with that coach wit a name I can’t pronounce that looks kinda like a rat.
There ain’t nothin special about pickin 2-1 favorites to win nothin so I like Pitt at 12-1.
If I have action, I want action. Any namby pamby half a Finnoch Chalk Eatin high roller wanna-be can bet on a 2-1 Goose, but if I’m fat with Scarole I want the payoff. Am I right when I say that?
The Big 12.
Kansas is +$220 but their center is gimpy and won’t be playin, so if I was you I’d put a Nickel on Oklahoma State at +$360 but if you was really like me and had the stones to boot you’d go with a Dime on Baylor at +$650.
I was in Waco, Texas once when I was the assistant road manager for Count Basie and his Orchestra and it felt like I was a pizza oven. It was so hot I didn’t even wanna get laid, even though I did.
The PAC 12.
I have a lot a fond memories a the days when John Wooden was at UCLA, and by fond memories I mean I made a ton a Cabbage bettin them. We’d get the Outlaw Line and get the jump on the rest a the average schnooks.
Hey, just because UCLA always won didn’t mean they always covered. We won a lot a bets goin with the Puppy back then.
So I’m likin them Oregon Ducks goin off at 9-2. Quack quack. You could hedge and go smaller with one a the favorites or take some individual games on the Hang Cheng if you don’t have the stomach for the big hit. Them Ducks have them crazy uniforms and I once banged a tattoo artist dame from Portland who loved Cutty on the rocks with an anchovy, or some effin’ thing.
Aright, that’s about it. And remember what my old pal Louie the Shin used to say, “One man’s chicken s another man’s Gumbo.”
