The Gorilla Responds
Last week Gamecockbag wrote in with a lament about his long crush on a bartender hottie who went on to date what he describes as a “gorilla” (pictured here).
Here was Gamecockbag’s initial email:
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This girl bartended at a bar me and my friends used to frequent.
She quit working there a while ago and we all kind of forgot about her.
She’s now working at a bar around the corner from my house and has apparently gone from nice Southern girl to something resembling a character on the Jersey Shore.
She has also added a “gorilla” or “juice head” as they call them to go along with her new look.
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Well The Gorilla has responded!:
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First of all, gamecockbag???? Really? Are you the nutsack of a Carolina Gamecock? Makes this post more understandable.
Jealous much ?? You and your boys kept getting turned down when you hit on her, huh? Oh, what? You weren’t brave enough to try and talk to her !!?? What a bitch she is !!
And because a guy works out and builds muscle, he is automatically a juice head?? This coming from a probable fat, snow white, lil gamer boy living in his parents garage.
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Interestingly enough, “Fat Snow White Lil Gamer Boy” was also the title of a poem by W.H. Auden.
Friday Thoughts and Links
Ah yes.
To Run with the Goose.
When douchewanks purchase overpriced alcohol and hold it in a phallic way to court the laziest and most inebriated of the female herd.
It’s like when bonobo chimps fling poo as part of ritual courting.
Economics can always be explained by the reproductive force. The more we desire to mate, the more rules can be put in place to extract cash through our efforts.
But that’s neither here nor there.
What is both here and there is Evil Yellow Sunball. Evil Yellow Sunball sees all. EYS often discusses the decline of our mating habits with Ubiquitous Red Cup. They concur. We suck.
Here’s yer links:
Your HCwDB buy some shit on Amazon to support the site link of the week: If you’re ever upset about an ex-girlfriend, imagine them like this in forty years.
Guy Fieri, featured here on HCwDB as a douchebag of the month back in 2008, and again in 2009 and as recently as last year, continues to contribute to the scrotation of the planet.
The push-up muscle shirt. For douchebags who want to get there the lazy way. Oh wait, it’s viral marketing. Damn you for stealing my shtick, Old Spice. Here’s another example.
But the hillbillies still hate us.
Best thing I’ve read all month: Grantland’s oral history of Swingers. Phenomenal.
Hungover? This doctor will flush you.
Be careful, part-time douchebags. The internets is watching.
The increasingly impressive Vice produces some genius local news headlines. It’s like Jay Leno’s headlines, only funny.
Okay, ’nuff of that, lets get to the tautness:
It’s like doing a wash. Of your brain! Brainwash! Because you now lack the ability to think! Ha… heh.. heh.. okay, I go now.
Friday Haiku
Gurn really liked Pam,
But her chest area was
A little pasty.
Pasties for Fester
Since the gyroscope was put
In her Monkey Hole.
– The Reverend Chad Kroeger
Lately Joy has been
Looking a little pasty
Good thing Tim eats paste
– saulgoode42
the stairwell party
always sounds like fun until
fur coat guy shows up.
– Dickie Fingers
Dad of Asian Hott
Has one thing to ask you all…
“Seppuku for me?”
– MC 900 Foot Douchebag
Does fur lined hat match
drapes? Or does her carpet match
his bald cranium?
– Douche Wayne
Medical fact: She
totally has the wrong kind
of Bra allergy.
– Charles Douchewin
Guessing their Christian
Mingle profiles had a few
fibs. Neither cares much.
– Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche
It’s so cold outside
Her nipples turned purple-ish
And started to ooze
– DoucheyWallnuts
Confucious has said
Man who serves gal from behind
Gets poo poo platter
– Bag Em Tag Em
Pam has a heart on
In all of the wrong places
Including her butt
– Mr. Scrotato Head
ehcuodouche said…
If his head gets cold.
She can put pasties on it
That will keep me warm
Dolla Bill Juan Follows The Lord
Face tatts.
Like God’s way of saying, “Positive credit rating? No, not you, my child. I have other plans for you. Go unto the strip club and holla with dollas, yo. Only then, will God’s grace shine down on you. And by God’s grace, I mean Grace, working the midnight to eight A.M. shift on a Tuesday.”
Breaking: 10 Year Old Girl Arrested For Wasting America's Time
Here’s a pic of the arrest.
And this ‘baguette in happier times.
I haven’t been this proud of law enforcement since The Fred “The Dorf” Dorfman tribute back in ’84.
That Greasy Eurodude And Librarian Hott Kelly at a Multicultural White Party
Hells if I remember these two as well.
Alls I know is The Captain and Tennille are divorcing.
So life has no meaning.
Except, of course, for Librarian Hott Kelly’s hint of pokey cleavite.
Wait, didn’t Pokey Cleavite play shortstop for the Dodgers back in the 90s?
Mongor In Love
Rumor has it everyone’s favorite blank-staring chromosome missing creepy-ass zombified party pud has found true love.
To quote the immortal ode to 1960s casual sex, Hair, let the sun shine in.
And by sun, I mean douche hawk.
And by shine, I mean the most awkward kiss since MJ/Lisa Marie.
More Elliptical Selfies From the Dirty Jerz
They don’t make enough Lysol to clean the stench of pokey nipple selfies on inflatable clouds trying to impress nineteen year old yoga instructors named Sophie.
Vinny Del Peen Says, "Stay Warm, East Coast!"
I have no idea if Kathy Del Mar is a man, woman, or some combination therein. But I do know that Vinny Del Peen sucks and with a lower level of submissions to HCwDB these days, these are the HCwDBs we go to war with, to paraphrase Rumsfeld.
My insecure sexuality is rattled. Need more Israeli Semitic Booble Suckle Gal Gadot to reassure me.
That 'Bag, Redux
This douche has appeared many times on HCwDB over the years.
Always in presence of hot chicks.
Always douchey.
His name, however, is blocked from my mind by what’s left of the synapses trying to protect my psyche after nearly eight years of gazing at douchey/hottie pics on a daily basis.
So I forget.
And I accept that I forget.
So let us forevermore mark this ‘bag as the ‘bag to forget. And let us also appreciate the sulty sluttyhot sexytimes offered by Blonde Belinda, and her Ginger/Maryann counterbalance with Innocent Rebeccah.
I would butt bong multiple glutes with talcum powder and a used french fry doily.
Here’s a cloud getting arrested.
And, for counterbalance, some gympear.
