The Garglebros Get Lucky
Never underestimate the appeal of sticking out your tongue when posing with beach hotties at least three levels of Scientology Clarity above your lowly menial ass.
Just ask the Garglebros.
Their hilarious performative tonguewankery served them both quite well in their late afternoon goal.
Which was buying overpriced sno-cone shooters at the Laughing Chicken in Malibu Canyon, and then, later, after Kammy and Babs abandoned them to go boink some surfers, wistfully sitting by their 1988 Honda Accord, staring at the sunset, and alternatively chanting their 2012 mantra: “Bitches, bro… bitches…”
HCwDB of the Week: The Craptastropher and Debutante Amy
It wasn’t even close.
Garish explosions of ambiguously something something male spectacle in presence of party girl coquettish annoying-hott annoyingness was far too overwhelming an HCwDB cohabit to ignore.
Chalk ’em up for the gulag, and your humb narrs for oatmeal with raisins and a vodka chaser.
Elves are still hacking away at the website innies and outies, so bear with if it’s a little bumpy around here over the next few days. The mock will continue…
Likes Sands in the Pearyglass…
This post was originially called “technical difficulties,” but now that I think I solved the crazy gremlins haunting this here ole’ website, we’se celebratin’.
How do we celebrate you ask?
With deep spiritual contemplation?
Nope.
With douchey cell phone bathroom self-portraits?
Nope.
Your Humble Narrator's Phantasmagoria Dreamland
“Smaller than llamas, softer than sheep, cuter than all heck” for the sex fantasy.
The alpaca bubble will never burst. Not if I can help it.
Comment of the Week: I Kill
I Kill unleashes a stream of gibberish in the Bath Salts Hugh Jackman Says… thread that is either insulting HCwDB, or is a clever postmodern critique of a comment insulting HCwDB.
Either way, ’tis our winner:
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Is this the losers corner? Pathetic and hilarious at the same time see how some men react in front of another man much more attractive, talented, smart, rich and lucky than them. The same hysterical, uncontrollable reaction of a single woman fatty and ugly looking at Angelina Jolie. Anthropologically interesting… Ok, try to eat a whole box of ice cream with two or three tubes of Pringles, instead of seeing gays where there are none. With sour spinsters it works pretty well
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Friday Thoughts and Links
Some days I feel like reading Chaucer by candlelight while drinking tasty Mr. Pibb out of an original Burger King collector’s edition Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring blinking plastic goblet.
Other days I like to ingest a tasty gourmet venisonburger with a nice fermented grape juice chaser.
And then there are days when large fake breasts with heart pasties on them haunt my subconscious.
Today is one of those days.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “Kind of cliche isn’t it, spilling my guts to the bartender.”
And lo, when the Bieberbag and the Jackson Child shall commingle, then Gozer the Destroyer will micterate on Lebowski’s rug. Which is a shame. Foreth that rugeth tiedeth the roometh together. Eth.
Megan Fox transforms. Into unemployment.
In a related story, here’s a clip of Jacques Lacan explaining the unconscious.
The best show on television outside of Breaking Bad, Louie, has started season three on FX. This review from Grantland captures the essence of the show’s groundbreaking genius.
The Star Wars that I used to Know.
Dora. “Adventure goes bilingual” for the win. I would seriously pay to see this.
Signs we’re losing the war: Monster Energy Drink replaces Sara Lee on the Fortune 500.
Google peed in a horse once.
But you are not here for horse peeing. Well, some of you are. The rest of you are here for Pear:
And if that’s too skinnypear for your tastes, enjoy
Advantages to Third World Countries Pear
Photoshopped? Only by tequila.
Party Guy Cries Out with Existential "Wooo!"
No amount of ridiculous bling, ‘bag hand gestures, requisite party drugs, or paid-to-pose hott chicks can hide the creeping onus of frightful dread gnawing at the fringes and margins of Party Guy’s fractured consciousness.
You can party harder to hide cognitive breakdown, Party Guy. But it will find you by the snack machines in the lobby of the Best Western at 4am.
Friday Haiku
“Mmmm…nice firm Buddhas“…
Far away, angry monks
beat a Dolly Llama.
At my inner peace
With outer hostility
bitch-slapping this tool
— Charles Nelson Douchely
Crunches not working
For brunette. Salty diet caused
Stroke then she picked him.
— The Reverend Chad Kroeger
Douchebag cops a feel
Tibetans spin prayer wheels.
Buddha clubs a seal.
— hermit
“I am destroyer
of dignity”. Bleeths giggle
but no enlightenment.
— Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche
Manuel Kissylips Ruins Shelley's Debutante Ball
Look, we’ve all made stupidface in pics back in the day.
I get that.
But Kissylips?
Nope. Can’t say as I have.
Manuel is a douche. So let it be written. So let it be done.
Shelley giggles when tickled by an ostrich feather.
