Reader Mail: "Get Your Weekly Dose"
Choad the Douche Sprocket writes in with a lament from Vegas:
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Dear DB1:
Now that summer is nigh, Las Vegans are forced to look at this constant, invasion of douche-i-tude on virtually every billboard within a mile of the Strip.
The tag line reads “Get Your Weekly Dose.” It should read: Get Your Weekly Dose of Douchebaggery, because from May 1st until the end of September, Vegas becomes the epicenter of pud, the vortex of vapidness, and the axis of affrontery to all that is thoughtful and tasteful in the world. (The stench of pool poo gets even worse in July and August — the “bargain months.” Then, every low-rent, slack-jawed, knuckle dragging rube within a 500 mile radius descends on our hotels like crazed, roided out houseflies swarming to shit.)
You know these things, of course. Your legions of ‘bag hunters know them too…but sometimes we feel the need to remind everyone that we are on the front lines of this battle, and that stupidity is a relentless foe.
Depressingly yours,
– Choad the Douche Sprocket
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“Stupidity is a Relentless Foe” should be my epitaph, good work CtDS.
However, the “Get your weekly dose” jokes just kinda write themselves.
Steve…
Steve… Steve…
Eat… gym… eat… gym… eat… gym… douche…
Steve… Steve…
Corona Hott!
Crotch itch!… dented car!… emotional confusion!… screaming fights at 2am!… Steve! Steve!
Yeah, I really need to get out more.
Twenty Minutes Past "Last Call"…
As W.H. Auden once wrote:
When the herpster glasses are aqua,
And ‘ere the Dublin rain smells like poo,
The bells of Montgomery clang with mourning,
And the drunken young maiden yells “woo!”…
Jack Largeman and Paid-to-Reveal Kourtney Voted in the HCwDB of the Month
In a related story: Jewschbags. Or, to paraphrase Hannah Arendt, The Banality of Weevils.
HCwDB of the Month
This is a tough one. Think hard. Drink Night Train. Eat a HoHo. Then bring it.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Aqua Vulva and British Sexy Sophia
Country doucherstars don’t make it that far that often here at HCwDB.
Aqua Vulva is an exception. For his is all that is wretched in the post Blake Shelton universe we call “Can you Dance With a Voice Idol?”
For his is the network spectacle of assface.
Hers are the curvy doe eyes of expensive first dates and overpriced Mai Tais.
Notice the locket necklace and shaved chest, and then punch a ferret in the nadsack.
Stare into British Sexy Sophia’s beckoning blues. Dive into her corneal waters in the hoped-for imagined spheres of alternative universes of global peace and harmony butt slapple.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: The Bishop and Homegrown Hannah
Chesshead.
Not acceptable.
Welly worthy of collective internet mock.
Homegrowns.
Purity of suckle thigh.
Curvature of Pi’s non-recurring integers.
Together, they make festidity.
And don’t miss Hitler Chin.
Hitler Chin, lades and gentlemen.
The point at which masculinity crashed into fascist signifiers of the 1930s appropriated from silent film actors of the 1920s.
And Harry Langdon danced.
That previous sentence doesn’t really have any meaning. I just like Harry Langdon. He’s like a man baby.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: Orangudan and Vegas Kim
Vegas died a death at the altar of orangeness.
Rat Pack style gave way to garish monstrocity.
The desert dream of Bugsy Siegel collapsed in the fetid stench of Hard Rock pools at 2am with dirty towels, cigarette butts, and fowl spilled plastic martini glasses.
And from the ashes rose Orangudan.
The collective id monster of all that is unholy in Douche Mecca.
With Vegas Kim by her side, the two unleash a torrent of poo uponst our culture.
Together, they make 7.25 an hour.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: The Voguegina and Furry Amanda
Strike a pose, there’s nothing to it… douche!
Heh. This guy sucks. And them’s two mores naturals for the trophy shelf.
I’m outta euphemisms.
It’s your turn.
Tell me which of these four couplings is most foul and unholy, most deserving of winning the HCwDB of the Month?
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Pump It
Talent comes in many variations in this strange, exotic world we call earth.
Comment of the Week: Douche Springsteen
The great D.S. breaks down the Arm Tissue crisis of middle aged modernity and wins the coveted Comment of the Week:
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This is what happens after you do the “straight and narrow” thing and then realize that the job, the wife, the sensible sedan, the 2.5 kids, the nice house do not fill in the god-shaped void within the self. You get divorced, you hear about the Burning Man festival and have a mid-life crisis and start doing things like this when you’re too old. I’m much more adjusted than this guy, in part probably because I dropped acid for the first time when I was 16 and then did all my drugs in high school and college got it out of my system when I was supposed to. That way I, won’t ever be the subject of a photograph like this after my girlfriend who is 15 years younger than myself feeds me MDMA for the first time when I’m 45.
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Friday Thoughts and Links
Cabanabags.
They taste just like chicken.
Like record-setting fist pumping, it leaves a stain on both asphalt and culture.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “A strange man defecated on my sister.”
Remember kids, if ya wanna help support HCwDB and you’re planning on buying stuff on Amazon, click through the Amazon links on the site before navigating to your items and buying them. It don’t cost nuthin’, and it helps pay for the site.
Long time HCwDB nemesis, The Mayerbag, may be growdsing up after all. Nah. He’s still a douche. Now a douche with botoxed vocal cords..
Douchebags at a rave killed two dolphins with a heroin substitute. No, seriously.
Remember in Swingers when Mikey complained that Tarantino bites everything from Scorsese? Turns out, Tarantino also bites things from 1976 Sonny Chiba Films.
Pop culture therapist pens article explaining why hot chicks don’t like nice guys. Unwittingly explains why no one likes pop culture therapists.
The great Bill Hicks explains why your children aren’t special.
Speaking of great 80s comics who died too young: Kinison.
In the land of the internet, the doucheface “Brogrammer” is King.
No, seriously. Brogrammers explained via URC. A whole new subspecies to be mocked as much as possible.
Morgan Spurlock’s new documentary examines the douchebag phenomenon.
Ayn Rand Explained in One Title.
But you are not here to laugh at just how badly libertarians need to pretend they’re intellectuals. You are here for Pear:
Too much? Okay, how’s about
They might not beat Wednesday’s Pear Party, but they’s enough to get us through a Friday.
Artbags
Artbags.
Still out there.
Still annoyed by the mid 1960s turn from abstract expressionism to postmodern figurative collage.
Friday Haiku
Showers, dignity,
Toothbrush…These are some things that
Häwk can live without.
Turds of a feather
Float together, Billy Ray’s
Son spreads douche virus
— Capt. James T. Douche
His bumper sticker
Says. “My other tattoo is bad
Chinese wallpaper.”
— The Reverend Chad Kroeger
If you take away
Tatts and hot Asian girlfriend
Dull white guy remains
— Mrs. Nuttersquirt
The tears of a clown
Mix with hot asian lotion
To form pinkish film
— saulgoode42
