Putztopia
Armtatts, cylindrical beverages, bikinis, and a canted frame of a young couple on a beach define our cultural zeigeist like a squirrel with diarrhea crapping on a chestnut.
Three Little Bros
I really just can’t get on board with updating nursery rhymes to connect with the youth.
Especially when they get to huffing, puffing, and blowing.
Breaking: San Francisco Quarterback Colin Kaepernick is a Douchechoad
For those of you who follow football, Colin Kaepernick is an icon of Millennial generation pathos, detachment, disassociation, and video game doofusery.
But now we also have irrefutable proof.
Colin Kaepernick is also a choadfondle.
The Awkward Years blog is on the scene. Tracking the development of this sportspud from innocent young suburbanite to hard partying Vegasian rich-and-famous scrote clown.
So whether you’re a fan of football or not, mocking must commence. Immediately. Lest the excesses of woo!, stupidtatt, hand gestures, and tilted baseball cap continue in presence of bikini hotties at various cookouts in the greater North Bay area.
Dave's Middle Earth 'bag Tag
Dave writes in with yet another ‘bag tag from the greater Australia/New Zealand area with the following celebutag:
———-
From: Dave
Subject: Down under douchebag
DB1,
What can you do about an obvious douchebag from the far-flung shores of New Zealand who meets every conceivable criterion for a mention on HCWDB? Give him a mention on HCWDB I say!
I give you musclehead meatball third-rate soap opera actor Ben Mitchell and his muscle car, suitably greased up and waxing lyrical about how cycling is for losers.
Enjoy!
– Dave
———-
Brett? Check.
Jermaine? Check.
Murray? Present.
Aussie and New Zealand ‘bags always fascinate me. No matter how greasy and ridiculous they look in chasing the Hotts, they’re always just so damn friendly.
Happy. Grinny.
Is any guy in Australia not the nicest guy in the world? Not glad to meet me? Not willing to buy me a beer and pat me on the back in a friendly but still masculine manner?
Except for this guy. Don’t trust him. Nope. Not at all.
But we should take a moment to appreciate the slavic nordic perfection of Aussie uberhott and “Wolf of Wall Street” star, Margot Robbie.
Two People You Never, Ever Want to Have Dinner With
No, not even pot luck.
And by pot luck, I mean groin unlucky.
And by groin unlucky, I mean you will acquire an STD if you perform coitus.
Creepy Kal Hangs Loose Behind Jennifer
HCwDB hired an expert linguistic trained in ancient Aramaic to translate Creepy Kal’s disturbing under-breast tattoo.
Here are the results of our scholar’s diligent efforts:
When dawn turns to dusk during rainy season, and frogs poop Flav-o-ice like so many porcupine twills, only then will the poultry be fondled.
Historians and scholars will spend many a journal article debating the meaning of this enigmatic archival work.
Four Prong Refuses to Go Gently into That Good Nightclub
Most of the ‘bags of yesteryore gave up.
Packed it in.
Took off the Ed Hardy.
Washed out the crust.
Resigned themselves to their idiotic tatts.
Got menial jobs.
But not the uberwads. Not Four Prong. Four Prong will not go gently into that not hitting on hot chicks good night. Like Dylan Thomas by way of Skrillex, the spikes carry on my wayward son into the great wide open.
And choadwankery burns bright in the chosen few. The proud. The Vegas Crustwank.
How to Act Douchey in the 1960s
“It’s her coat, she should’ve checked it anyway.”
This genius short, produced by the Navy in 1967, is all sorts of awesome. I ran it as a link on Friday but it deserves its own post and a slow golf clap from everyone reading this.
Hot Chick With Douchebag Shocked to Discovered She Ended Up on Hot Chicks with Douchebags
In case you missed it in yesterday’s links, this hilarity deserves its own recognition.
For what happens when an H.C. discovers the truth of her poor life choices? LOLZ abound.
Friday Thoughts and Links
Crimson Paul Bunyon says, “Be cool, stay in school!”
Hard Mom Margie is having none of Crimson Paul Bunyon’s randomly placed sweat stain.
She believes it to be ruse.
After all, isn’t all of sweat simply a ruse? A fake? A con? An attempt to tell the body that one is cooler than one is, or attact a mate by virtue of the demonstrative power of physical labor?
Yup. I’se babbling again.
I blame the lack of coffee.
Here’s yer links:
Your HCwDB Buy Some Shit After Clicking on This Link Amazon Link of the Week: “So, if anatomy is destiny then testosterone is doom.”
A hearty tip of the Ubiquitous Red Cup to the Lost Coast Outpost blog for Wednesday’s HCwDB shoutout.
Meanwhile on Facebook, Hot Chick with Douchebags is upset to discover she’s on Hot Chicks with Douchebags.
Douchetard Chris Brown goes full douchetard. Never go full douchetard.
Obamacare targets the douchebag crowd. I can see why when our Prez starts busting ‘bag hand gestures.
Without using the word douchebag, the great Louis C.K. explains the HCwDB problematic.
Word to the wise: When home for the holidays, skip the mephadrone.
The greatest news of 2014 is already here: David Lynch to film 25 year followup to Twin Peaks. Yes.
The real fratbags in college these days? The Quakers. Because it isn’t a party until someone loses a testicle.
College student writes a letter to Bic Pens complaining that his Bic pen only writes “huge cocks.” Bic Pen customer service responds thusy.
This list of New York institutions that are now out of business or gone makes my soul weep.
Shawn Valentino is… The Showstopper. Next-gen douchebaggery at its rankest.
Women with big butts are smarter and healthier. Well, duh.
Okay, that’s enough of that. Have some:
Ya done good, kid.
