Nerdy Melvin Gets Lucky
Here’s the thing Melvin, and can I call you Melvin?
Assuming you don’t bat for the home team, there’s really only one rule when you’re lucky enough to get Porny Lacey Boobie Suckle Thigh Maria to “Woo!” with you at the requisite pool party.
Rule #1: No Cell-Phone-Speedo.
I might’ve even let the stupid glasses go.
But no.
You are douche.
Boobs.
Breaking: Accountant and Mensa Candiate Teagan Presley Dates a Douchebag
A reader submits this pic of someone named “Teagan Presley” partying with Standard Issue Douchewank #42.
Teagan Presley is, by the looks of it, a professional tax consultant, business professional, Mensa Candidate, and working accountant.
In the world of tax consultants, business professionals, Mensa Candidates, and working accountants, it is rather shocking to find out they’re cohabiting with douchebag.
And by accountants, business professionals, Mensa Candidates, and working accountants, I mean professional ho-ha performer.
This whole pic smells like stripper glitter and daddy issues. Lets move on.
Reader Mail: White Bags
John Evans do very much appreciate the ( white bags ).
——————
Good Day,
Good Morning to you and your Company. My name is John Evans and i am sending this Inquiry for ( White Bags ) that you do have in-stock. I will very much appreciate it if you can send me an email with some of the Models and Types that you do have in-stocks as now.
I will also like to know if you can get back to me with the Payment Options that your Company do accept as now. And also will like to know if you do also allow Freight Pick Up from your Location when the Order is ready to Ship. I will be waiting to hear from you soon .
Thanks
John Evans
—————-
Here you go John, two (White Bags ). Free of charge. Boobies not included.
Doucheborg Will Assimilate You
They’re coming for you.
They get you when you sleep.
They’ll play dubstep in your ear and force you to drink Kristal shooters.
A Crime is About to Be Committed
Fortunately for us, it’s only a crime against good taste.
Unfortunately for us, it involves a sampler pack of breakfast cereals, a hand towel, a tube of preparation-H, a forklift, sixteen scratch-n-sniff Strawberry Shortcake stickers from 1983, a small Malayasian orphan named Pepe, and an angry flyswatter.
Believe me, you don’t want to know what an angry flyswatter is.
Where's Waldouche?: Unemployed Rockerpube Edition
Somewhere in this coupling of paid-to-pose and gloriously enhanced cleavite’d Shey-Ling and Fey Alan, I’ve carefully hidden an annoying Hitler Chinned Unemployed Rockerpube.
Look closely.
Can you find boobs?
Reader Mail: HCwDB Needs New Pics
—————-
DB1,
yo…im a real fan. i back nice jewish boys who keep it highbrow.
however, i gotta tell you, the site needs help.
the reason you are loosing traffic to all the other idiots is simply a matter of the number of new posts with good pictures. every time i go to your site, its the same old pics and the same old idiots. its like pussy dude. you wanna come home to the same old twat every night?
i wanna always see new ones and lots of em or im not interested. take youre damn camera and hit the spots. open it up to more than the vegas pools and those steriodal tools. theres plenty of these peeps everywhere.
im writing you cause i like your indirect sexual poetry…youre kind of a dennis miller of douchenozzles.
im trying to help. your success will be a function of new pics and lots of em.
best of luck my tribal buddy
– Marti-
—————-
First off, I’m lazy as a Codine’d koala. Secondly, I’m busy scratching my nethers in a furious up and down motion. HCwDB has always relied on the generous submissions of its readers. I’m only as good as what comes in the ole’ in box. So you don’t like the latest submits? Get to huntin’.
Mister Pfister is Stoic In Front of Kelly and Ashley
And it’s one more night in rural Arkansas…
One more night of hat tilt, stupid face, paid-to-pose bored hotts, and the circulation of small sums of money in the vain pursuit of distraction.
One more night in which mediocre lives replace unrealistic life dreams with hi-def televisions and self medicating variations of alcohol.
Wow. Way too downer to start off a Tuesday. I need me some Champagne Candy.
HCwDB of the Month
Bring it. Long overdue. Make it count.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Mickey the Polyp and Savannah
Hair grease.
It smells like oyster.
And by oyster I mean rotting fish carcass.
Not butt starfish euphemism.
I have no idea what butt starfish euphemism means.
But if I start a thrash punk dubstep emo acoustic jam band, it will be called “Butt Starfish Euphemism.”
Mickey The Polyp shames Savannah’s ancestors, and so our first finalist in the Monthly is toxic.
And boobs. Glorious, glorious grooooooo.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: The Lickwipe and Sexy Poochtickle Trina
Stupidface and shiny forehead deserve ubermock.
Mmmm…
Poochtickle Trina.
A taut bubble of slappy spank six dollar rutti tutti breafkast fresh coffee bacon and pancake syrupy caloric gnaw.
Mmmm….
Bodices.
Don’t think of them as 19th Century repressive examples of patriarchy.
Think of them as side-boob pancake makers.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: Sleepy Jerkenstein and Cindy
The pure tattoorific punchface asshattery of Sleepy Jerkenstein is enough to punch a honeybadger in the nadsack.
Cindy has the pure face and angelic smile of nostalgic recall.
When you’re lying on your deathbed, you think you’ll be thinking about your family? Your kids? Your career? Your parents?
Hells no.
You’ll be thinking about Cindy.
And lets not forget Innocence and Poo Face. Not every day a monthly candidate also make it into an HCwDB at the Guggenheim piece of art.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: Enrique and Paid-to-Pose Tammy
Awarded by the glorious ‘Sock, this asshattery and paid-to-pose Asian Hottness is all sorts of toxic in Dubuque.
See-though douche shirt and idiotic red hat are a fairly unique and highly mockworthy combo around these parts.
Tammy changed her name from Shin-Huen after arriving from Hong Kong. As such, she is to be appreciated for the display of viable womb in service of taking money from doucheclowns such as Enrique.
But do they have what it takes to win (lose) the HCwDB of the Month?
Now it’s your turn.
Tell me which of these four couplings deserve to take the prize.
Vote, as ever, in the comments thread.
A Mouthful of Gold in a Douchebag of Suck
There is no hope.
