Reader Mail: This is Sheldon
Sarah writes in with a Sheldon tag:
———
From: Sarah
Subject: Gel Haired Douchey douche
This is Sheldon. He is Indian. That is his girlfriend. Sheldon’s hair is crisp, you could break it off, he loads it with gel. He also lifts, but more than that he talks about lifting. he wears chains around his neck, and flashy v-neck t-shirts. Besides wearing more jewelry than most girls I know, he also takes more selfies. He is a douche, inside and out. And his chick isn’t all that hot either.
———-
Well tagged, Sarah. I especially appreciate the koan-like writing style. Short. To the point. Like early Hemingway. Or perhaps a mix between drugged up 1970s-era Dr. Seuss and this.
Miley Cyrus Objects to 70 Year Old Jewish Men
Hollywood something-or-other and future addict Miley Cyrus critiques Hollywood’s Jewish hegemony:
——————
“With magazines, with movies, it’s always weird when things are targeted for young people yet they’re driven by people that are like 40 years too old. It can’t be like this 70 year old Jewish man that doesn’t leave his desk all day, telling me what the clubs want to hear. I’m going out, I know what they want to hear. I know when you’re in a club, what makes everyone go crazy and when the time is where everyone’s like ‘alright I’m going go get a drink.’ I know when people walk off the dance floor and I know what’s driving it so I’ve got to be the one doing it because they’re just not in on what 20 year olds are doing.”
——————-
Well crap me with a diaper full of poo. If a cranky, no-longer-young Jewish guy can’t critique youth culture, then what the hell am I doing all day?
In the immortal words of The Wire’s Clay Davis, sheeeeeeeiiiiiitttttt.
Whipple The Pinturd Gets Mommy's Credit Card, Buys Sophie and Vegana a Bottle of Goose
And the whole thing ended up in an Albuquerque truck stop with required testing for all.
Yup, it’s your Humb Narrs, coffee in hand, on this Monday morning in the City of Angels. I Wish I could deliver this text in the morning radio voice of either the great Johnny Fever or that sappy Harry Chapin song.
Unfortunately I can’t deliver text in any voice.
As Derrida explained, we often conflate the written and the verbal forms of communication but they are entirely distinct spheres of knowledge.
And by knowledge, I mean knowledge.
Your Sunday Shellporn
I like turtles.
Your Saturday Existentialism
Somewhere, deep in the American soul, there lies a rot.
A spiritual malaise.
A malignant vortex draining the spirit of harmony into a pit of existential despair.
This.
Friday Thoughts and Links
The Mark of the ‘Bag marks douche for all those who doubt douchitude.
The Mark of the ‘Bag comes in many shapes and forms.
But whether grease stain or silly heart, the Mark of the ‘Bag does not lie.
Perfection Sarah plays lutes of suckle poke undies gargle. Like a deep fried plantain or a cronut dipped in Bosco, hers are the lickable pooch fondle of harmonic bobble. Do not doubt the disease curing power of her taut milk thighs or sweet supple steroid-free farm raised thighs and wings. For they do not age and do not wither. Not without God hanging his head in shame.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB Buy Some Shit to Support The Site Link of the Week: Judge my fetishes not lest ye be judged.
HCwDB’s own Mr. Biggs has finally realized his longtime graphic novel project and it is amazing. Check it out and show your support: Inferno Los Angeles
Even when Benzino hangs with a bro, the whole thing is kinda creepy.
What the world needs now: More female streakers
Funny or Die’s Between Two Ferns interviews porn star Justine Bieber.
And then there’s dinosaur erotica. Of course there is.
British newspaper analyzes San Francisco techie herpsters, comes up with the word ‘douchebag.’ Meh, close enough.
Priests hanging out with 15 year old kids not wearing pants? I’m sure there’s a reasonable explanation.
Meanwhile, in terrorism news, The Unipooper strikes again!
Okay, here’s ya go:
Not enough? Okiedokie:
Like buttpear for photoshop.
Friday Haiku
“Just relax, Trishia;
You may feel a little prick…”
She’s used to big ones…
Monkey hole or the
bunny hole. The gyroscope
will go in like this.
— UFO Destroyers
Using syringe to
fix prolapse is like throwing
hot dog down hallway.
— Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche
Truth ads move from the
Dangers of smoking cigs to
Hazards of butt chug.
— Capt. James T. Douche
Will health care reform
Let bunny girl choose her own
Naughty Nurse? Hope so.
— The Dude
CDC Flu Shot
Campaign targets those at risk.
Elderly, kids, whores
— Magnum Douche P. I.
Flu shot or glue shot?
Either way, Trish like it in
Ass, standing up
— DoucheyWallnuts
It puts the needle
In the ass or it gets the
Hose. The Valtrex Hose.
— The Reverend Chad Kroeger
Now Obamacare
requires gyroscope insert
be done in public
— Dickie Fingers
When Tattbags Grow Old
Suddenly the old man in the canoe looks very tired.
Wait, what?
I was referring to a tattoo of an old man in a canoe.
What were you thinking?
The Artistic Meatwad
Sometimes black and white just captures the nuances of the pathos of a given moment in ways that color cannot.
The King Lives!
The pic I posted this morning, Chudwick the Boiled in presence of Lacey, has left me bereft of all humanity and motivation in this short existential crisis we call life.
So in a way, I find solace in the fact that uberdouchey legend King Douchuous the IV continues to reject a proper life in service of chasing a Dionysian fantasy.
It’s good to know that while so much changes, some things are eternal. The King’s douchey hair in presence of Vegas Party Chicks?
Eternal.
