Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Reader Mail: Vinnie Sphincter's Girl

Jesse G. writes in with an update on the odious Vinnie Sphincter’s girl:

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From: Jesse G.

Yo small world but Sphincter’s girl party’s at the same club i party at! Say it aint so!!! with a chin like her’s how could she not be a douche bag magnet….or boxing sparring partner!!!

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This email reads like viral PR for Don Jon. I’m not sure whether to respond or ask for click-through rates.

Chudwick The Boiled Cuddles with Lacey

Shut it down!!

Shut it all down!

For God’s sake, someone pull the plug!!

The internet is lost, good sirs and madams.

It’s over, Johnny.

Over.

Get thee to the Closet of Poo, Chudwick the Boiled. And Lacey, thy thighs be done.

HCwDB After Dark…

Baby’s asleep…

HC1 is off getting dinner…

The DB1 is drunk on tasty fortified Night Train wine…

Time to appreciate a hot tub gaggle of middle management hotts even if they led Ned From Sales in to make Douche Hand Gesture #21…

And by appreciate, I mean apearrrciate…

Tyler Perry's "Chicago Jones and the Search for Gold Bling"

That’s it. I’mma skip this flick and go straight to the new Seth Rogen vehicle, “Average Shmoe Experiences Funny Life Lessons and Has a Cathartic Epiphany at the End.” I hear Jonah Hill makes a cameo!

EDIT: Bonus points to anyone in the comments thread who can accurately explain exactly what Chicago Jones’s afro is doing.

The Scarfophagus Scores Way Out of His Pay Grade

Hamster Hott Jenny is that odd mix of sexy suckle chomp and slightly odd looking overbite. She resembles classic 1980s bitchy-hott Valley Girl ethos in all its most carnal manifestations. And for that, her cleavite is to be enshrined and applauded by a roomful of applauding ferrets.

The Scarfophagus wears a thin scarf, and for that, deserves nothing but collective spittle poo poo diaper.

Reader Mail: Iron 'Bag's Pepper Potts Threatens Legal Action

A flurry of emails enters the DB1’s in-box:

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The “iron bag”posted on oct 2nd has a copy written photo of me in it. I never gave anyone permission to use my image on your site and I would like it removed immediately. IIf you need further proof I am happy to provide.

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This is ME ^ in the above photo, this image has a copy write and needs to be removed ASAP.

Thanks.

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its not enough that it is a photo of ME and I never gave permission for my image to be used on this site? You clearly state in your fine print you will remove anyones personal image?

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Not sure who keeps submitting photos of MY on your site, but I would like you to stop approving them. I promote my image and have spent years building a name for myself and my work online and can not be represented in such a manner on your site. please remove all photos of me.

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I’m not sure who submits photos of MY either.

Then, after a short break:

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I have notified the photographer and he will also be in touch shortly.

If you remove it now we won’t have our attorney send a cease and desist letter which will require you to mail us a letter of compliance to prevent further action.

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The “guy” in this case happens to be an executive who works with Fortune 50 companies having fun at DragonCon and doesn’t appreciate his picture being plastered all over the internet. Do you think his name is really Kym LaRoux? He uses that to prevent people he doesn’t want seeing the pictures from finding him on FB. But, you’ve done a great job of promoting the pic! Nice job.

He’s waiting for his attorney to get out of court for the day so he can send you the letter so I suggest you remove it as soon as you are done with your travels.

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Why is “guy” in quotes? I’m so confused. However, once I realized “Kym LaRoux” was an anagram for “Clownsy McClownsalot” I was on to the ruse.

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Just to ensure you understand this is a serious matter, please be advised your actions constitute copyright infringement in violation of United States copyright laws. Under 17 U.S.C. 504, the consequences of copyright infringement include statutory damages of between $750 and $30,000 per work, at the discretion of the court, and damages of up to $150,000 per work for willful infringement. If you continue to engage in copyright infringement after receiving this message your actions will be evidence of “willful infringement.”

So if I were you I’d make sure the comments on the page are turned off immediately because any further statements expose you to legal action for copyright infringement and are considered an attempt to defame our reputation and are therefore slanderous and libel.

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As Buddha once asked the ‘Baghavad Gita, is it slander to threaten libel while a salamander drinks libations?

Lex Doucher Plots World Domination, Luscious Maria Giggles

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my time on this earth, it’s never ever trust anyone who looks like a Germanic Hugh Laurie. Even when they don’t look particularly douchey. Something’s up.

Luscious Maria will find out what it is soon enough. My guess is it will involve Germanic performance art as first innovated by Mr. Hans.

Reader Mail: Iron 'Bag is Not A Douche

PIC DELETED

Chris writes in with a defense of last week’s Iron ‘Bag:

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These two are some of the nicest, coolest, most level headed people I’ve had the pleasure of meeting in the Atlanta party scene. I’m always impressed with both Angie and Kym’s outfits and think it’s asinine for a group of anonymous ass clowns to pass judgement on people they don’t know. Jus sayin 😉

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I’ve met many people in the Atlanta party scene. Superdouche. Spiderdouche. Even Aquadouche that one time in the Halls of Groinstice.

So yes. Angie and Kym’s outfits are impressive. Most impressive. But they are not an ass clown yet.

Axe Body Spray Attracts Bitches

Too much and you’ll end up smelling like Shit…zu.

Dog pun.

HCwDB: The Next Generation

Vanity Fair explains the next-generation of social media hookup HCwDB tragedy:

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They arranged to rendezvous at a shopping mall in Los Angeles not far from the neighborhood where they lived. “Of course it was going to be a public place. And if it turned out he was really some gross old man, I’d just run away.” But there he was, standing by his car, looking almost like his picture. . . . Almost. There was something different about his face—it was “squishier. Like, he was almost fat.” But now here they were, and she didn’t know quite how to get out of it.

He smiled and kissed her on the cheek. He smelled of Axe Body Spray. She was sorry she’d spent so much time getting ready for this. “I even waxed,” she said. He wanted her to get in his car, but she knew she shouldn’t. They started walking around the mall, “talking about nothing, nothing. It was awkward, totally weird.” He asked if she wanted to sit down, but there was nowhere to sit except in restaurants, so they wound up going inside a Pottery Barn and making out on a couch. Later she posted something on her Tumblr blog about the difficulty of finding love.

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Pottery Barn, kids.

Pottery Barn.