Cesspool Matt Says "Whatsup Brah?" in a forced Baritone
Okay I feel bad for making fun of 8bit Tux Guy. He probably deserves a nottadouche and a nicejobkid for scoring Chiquita Maria.
So instead, here’s Cesspool Matt. A heaping choad of scrotal rice if there ever was one.
Cesspool Matt’s busting what is indubitably the douchiest trend of 2013: The Neckerchief Tatt.
All to impress sexy Korean girls-next-door Mira and Trish. Who just want to party like that Wiz Khalifa youtube clip that totally rocked senior year.
8Bit Tux Guy
Remember the Nintendo classic Superdouchio?
It’s like irony meets herpsterism meets 80s nostalgia and still manages to cuddle up a pic with Chiquita Maria at the Gold Nugget at 2am on a Tuesday.
Huey Loser and the News Gets Lucky
It’s like some generic lyrical pablum of 1950s-era retread doo-wop suddenly crystallized into literal form, put on some Drakkar Noir, and roofied Vanessa The Hottest Bartender on the South Side of Chicago.
I want a new drug.
One that’ll make me forget this clown ever existed.
That Guy From That Band Who Had That One Hit Still Cashes In With a Lady Who Forgot Her Pants
You know.
That guy.
No, not that band.
The other one.
With that song.
You know.
It was pretty good.
No, I think the chorus was different.
It went more like naaannannannneeenaanana. I think.
Something like that.
Halfpipe McFaux Thinks its 2008
He’s sure that his wacky DJ/Bar-Mitzvah circuit for dancing hiphop clowns will take off one of these days.
For now, don’t think of it as investing in a flailing enterprise that misfiled its S-corp returns for the past three years resulting in an audit and a seizing of all future assets.
Think of it as funding a dream.
Average Sophie doesn’t hold up the HC side of this equation, but what the hell, I got spittle on my shirt.
Suburbia on Vacation
I see you, Pensive Art History major Carol, there in the front. You’re insecure about your smile, so I play you lute music on Pandora and we both ignore the annoying Christian Mingle ads that keep playing while we stare at an azure sunset and compare astronomy homework notes. Wait, you like the Beatles and Breaking Bad? Me too! It’s, like, fate. So, to wrap up this morning soliloquy, I promise to remain faithful through the end of this sentence and to poke your grandmother’s doiley with an ostrich feather while gargling one of your leftover pasties from that crazy night in Vegas. When this pic was taken.
Ring Around the Neck Tatts are the new sweater-vest.
What Happens in Vegas Parking Lots at 2am Lives On On the Internet
So sorry, Manny.
Now wipe up theose panty stains with a wipey and lets hope Giggle Suzanne and Pouty Rachel live to see better days.
the epic story of bro
So meaningless.
Yet so meaningful.
Yet so meaningless.
Friday Thoughts and Links
There is no God.
No God.
There can be no ontological meaning in this nihilist sea of seagull poop.
Not when a choadnut like Sparky scores premium top shelf Golden Globes like the ones on Kyra here.
Nope.
No God.
No God would allow this.
Not even Vishnu.
Here’s yer links:
Your HCwDB buy some shit to pay for this site even though I never update it anymore: Pooooooooooooopie!!!
Chicks with Steve Buscemi eyes.
The Adventures of… Duderman.
File under atrocious Brooklyn herpsterism: A DJ School for Toddlers. I blame Lena Dunham.
This week in some guy’s version of the Jump to Conclusions Mat: Poo-pourri.
The greatest obituary ever written.
For those who’ve seen the very artistic short animated film produced by Chipotle, here’s an excellent behind the scenes interview with the animation team.
“Frog Goes Croak” for the worst video of the year.
Okay, you’ve been good. Here ya go:
And by flux capacitor, I mean bum boingo.
Enjoy the weekend, kids. It’s only 2/7ths of our lives.
Friday Haiku
Unearthed M. Jackson;
Busted for Necrophelia…
“Bro…You even Dig?”
Is that Janet or
Latoya? Either way Joe
Demands his money!
— Capt. James T. Douche
“Stop posing with the
Mannequins! Get back to work!”
Champ’s boss is pissed off.
— Charles Nelson Douchely
It puts the Afro
In the basket or it gets
The hose, Jeri hose.
— The Reverend Chad Kroeger
Mr. Chump calls it
being a real ladies’ man
Cops charge with pimping
— Magnum Douche P. I.
If you take the time
to match shoelaces and shirt
you know you’re a douche.
— Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche
Mr Champ is the
Afterbirth from Kurtis Blow
And Teena Marie
— DoucheyWallnuts
The gyroscope goes
In her monkeyhole or she
Goes in the basket.
— The Dude
Mr. Champ tries his
luck at the wax museum
Now bored with FleshLight™
— Jacques Doucheteau
Camel Toe Jackson
not as well known as Michael
scores some midget ass
— Dickie Fingers
