Guy With Oversized Pink Hat Guy Scores Kelly and Ashley
Kelly and Ashley will drain your pocketbook on a first date faster than you can order the specialty rice wine at Sushi Roku.
And you’ll thank them and pray for a spanking.
Reader Mail: Scary Plotter
Boz 
writes in:
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DB1, You hate to see this.
A ginger darling character actress from a series as venerated (if overly-commodified and endlessly drawn-out) as the Harry Potter movies… on the arm of a mouth-breathing swag-hog like this. I know nothing about this stick, except that he looks like the smelly Danish foreign exchange student from my 8th-grade social studies class.
The two might be dating, engaged, divorced with kids, I don’t know or care.
Satisfaction is in the snap judgement, and my judgement is, “Oh, Snap! He’s a tool!” This Tom-Hanks-from-Castaway coiffed weasel is only in it for the purpose of being tagged in her celebrity facebook photos.
Riding the coattails of her redhaired sweetness…. Ginnie Weasley, my heart weeps some sort of quidditch-based dirge for thee. You are sweet ginger perfection. He is choad.
– Boz
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A quality HCwDB tag with quality mock email. Well done, Boz.
Pinkubus
Once, back when I was working as a mule breeder and horse whisperer for a traveling carnival in Dubuque during the rainy season, I ran into a Pinkubus.
It was half-feral. Possibly starving. Crouching by the side of the road.
At first I saw it out of the corner of my eye. The touring wagons has pulled over at a regional bank on the outskirts of Bismark to resupply on wood grain and lemon marmalade. The Viscous Twins, one of the star attractions in General Aladin’s Sideshow, had a nasty case of the runs and so we had to stop for quite some time while Old Ma Weinstein tended to them with a case of castor oil and a wick of bronzer.
I wandered to the edge of our motley encampment to smoke a cuban and ponder a recently reread copy of Joyce’s “Chronicles of an Irish Ball Fondler” when I saw it.
A real life Pinkubus.
The kind you only read about in children’s books and Archie Comics.
There it was. By the side of the road.
In a high pitched squee it called out to me, “Hiiiiii!… Yooo hooo!!.. Check out my pecs!!… I’m a vegan!… Do you think it’s gonna rain?… I hate Justin Bieber!”
Pinkubii were known to spout inanities.
I scrambled for my Kodacrome to record the event for posterity, but it was too late.
The Pinkubus scrambled back into the underbrush, never to be seen again.
Nice Guy Wong Taylor Swifts a Bunny Hott
Because she, uhm, looks like Taylor Swift.
Got nuthin’.
Enjoyin’ a tasty bowl of Trader Joes oatmeal with raisins.
How you doin’?
A Very, Very, Very, Very Hott Woman Named Sophie Poses With Fratpud Wally
Very, Very, Very, Very Hott Woman Named Sophie (VVVVHWnS) knows perfectly well that she is very, very, very, very hott. She does not need every man within a 1/4 mile radius to remind her.
Nonetheless, every man within a 1/4 mile radius will remind her.
Because that’s what men do.
The Saddleranch: Still A Vortex of Suckage in 2013
So I had a meeting at the Starbucks next to Los Angeles’s infamous Saddle Ranch Chop House yesterday.
For those of you who don’t know what the Saddle Ranch is, picture a faux-cowboy pickup scene with bad 80s music blaring from the sound system. Add in uber-hottie bartenders working the paid-to-pose angle. Then toss in hordes of beefy douchewanks with jock itch who read somewhere that the ‘Ranch is where “the Los Angeles 10s hang out.”
Then factor in greasy-as bar food smear and an electric bull vibrator, and the whole place reeks of the stench of all that is crotch itch in the pukey nostalgia hued wasteland/dreamland of the infamous Sunset Strip.
This isn’t to say the awfulness of my proximity to Douche Mecca of Los Angeles was a complete waste of time. Side benefit: oggling the leg reveal trend of the Bleeths as they came into the Starbucks to get a latte. Many a giggle pooch presented itself for suckle thigh fondle prod.
So there are small victories in the abyss.
I smirk and I smile. The mock continues, albeit subdued these days as I grow older and more pensive. But mock onward, I will.
Veronica Bits An Orange, World Goes to Hell
I’m pretty sure it was Nostadouchus who first predicted that when the Bikini Hott nameth Veronica first tastes the orange of sin, then really douchey chin fung will course through the veins of all able bodied men.
While Sidekick Joe is glad to meet you and Kathy Kim laughs playfully.
Your Sunday Laugh-At-a-Medical-Condition Karaoke
This is the… TITS!!
