Abs Exploding Like Lohan Coke-Nose
Or perhaps a Ron Jeremy coronary is a better analogy.
Pukey McTirehead Would Like to Fondle Shoulder Suckle Stacey's Nethers
Pukey McTirehead is getting closer…
Pretty sure this story ends with a wacky sidekick making a sarcastic comment followed by a “Wahhhh-Wahhhh” horn sound.
At least that’s how it plays out in my head.
Because my head is on a constantly recurring early 80s sitcom loop.
Pimp Jose Dresses Up For Your Sins and Cuddles Kelly
The 1990s were a silly time.
There were music videos about princes and peaches.
Somehow, somebody named “Gwyneth Paltrow” inexplicably became a movie star.
But amidst all the rancor and surliness of a bored and aimless decade with too much time and not enough gravitas, there was one thing that didn’t exist.
Really stupid giant necklaces.
So put that in your pipe and smoke it, I Love the 90s on VH1.
Yup. Got nuthin.
Coffeetime.
Reader Mail: Chris Makes it All Worth It
This email deserves a douche-free post:
————–
DB1,
I have no business visiting your web site as I am a 45 year old married father of 4 living in the suburbs of DC (that’s our Nation’s capital). I commute for 3 hours a day, work for 8, sleep for 7, am expected to perform with what little time I have left in the day.
But instead of changing diapers and reading “Goodnight Moon” to crying children at the end of a day I sit here and visit your website.
And I laugh, chuckle, and smile. And oftentimes weep….
Weep tears of joy at your comedy, brilliance, and downright hilarity. How you do it, I do not know. Nor do I want to…
I for one appreciate the free entertainment you provide. And of course I will (and have) contribute to your efforts.
You’re the best friend I never met. Don’t ever change.
– Chris
———–
It’s been a long, crazy, amazing run. In a few weeks, it’ll be seven years since HCwDB was born out of my rage at seeing every male my age putting on paint-spackled $80 Affliction shirts and dousing themselves in Axe Bodyspray in the vain hopes of getting female attention.
So much has changed.
So much has yet to changed.
The battle continues. And in many ways, the battle is also over.
Who knows what the future brings? For now, I’mma still post what I can.
There is a Six Pound Wristwatch of Douche In This Picture
You are forgiven if you cannot locate it.
EDIT: And on a totally unrelated Oscars note, Ang Lee eats at In-n-Out Burger with his Academy Award. Those are good burgers, Dude.
Mongor Monday
And lo, the missing chromosome remains an elusive subject in the land of Mongoria.
A Herpster Cure Found?
Attacking douchebaggery at the nano-level is something I had not yet considered. This may be a breakthrough, indeed.
Wallnuts After Dark
So the other night I stopped by one a my favorite waterin’ holes in midtown for a belt or two.
When I bellied up to the bar and ordered a Makers on the Rocks one a the bartenders tole me if I liked bourbon I really should try this one and that one! And that bourbon is so popular that there! They’se got all kinds a choices these days!
Just pour me a drink, son.
If that wasn’t enough, he started suggestin’ all a these other mixed drinks with all kinds a ingredients in ’em.
I was thinkin’ back on the old days where there weren’t no drinks with more than three ingredients. An usually two of ’em were the booze an the ice.
Madonna Mia, what ever happened to a simple friggin’ drink?
Then this nice young fella asks me if I’d like ta see a drink menu. “A drink menu?” I says, “Listen Jack, I don’t need no menu for no drinks. Take a glass, put some ice in it, and then pour that there Makers Mark in it. Real simple, like. Inin it?”
One time Normy Fell ordered a Jack and Coke with a slice a orange in it. By the reaction he got from the bartender you woulda thought poor Normy laid out a lincoln log stool on the bar like it was a finsky.
“Orange?!? Who the f@#k orders a slice a orange in a Jack and Coke?,” Sinatra says.
I can hear him sayin’ it like it just happened today.
A whiles back we went to that movie with the half-a-Finnoch Cruise guy who was a bartender and they was doin’ all kinds a things with the shaker like they was the Harlem Globetrotters, trowin’ it around the bar pourin’ drinks all silly an all a that.
I remember Frank and Dean sayin’ that if any guy tried to do that whilst makin’ their drink they woulda grabbed him by the shirt and punched ’em in the mush.
Punched ’em in the mush, they says.
Friday Thoughts and Links
Coincedentally, “Creepy Euro Stench and Sexy Hot Chicks on a Motorboat” was also the first name of my high school band.
Yes, I’ve used that joke before.
And I’ll use it again.
Because after like 7,000 posts on the same joke, there’s a little redundancies alls up in this place.
Today’s a mini-links day, as your humb narrs runs around doing all sorts of errands and such for the real world as it calls.
So here’s ya go:
If there’s one item that must be purchased to complete a well-lived life, it is this.
Think douche-hair is a thing of the past? Think again.
Hot Boob With Douchebag (sorta NSFW)
What’s not a good name for a public park? This is not a good name for a public park.
Hoping to get a job that pays more than minimum wage for pouring Slurpies at the Snappy Snak Shak? Tuff Luck.
Okay. You’ve earned it:
Hut Hut Hut Hut Hut!!!
Friday Haiku
That little Dutch boy
Is never around when a
Dike needs to be plugged…
Douche birth ritual
doc holds mom over dance floor
where baby conceived.
— Douche Wayne
Looking for kicks. Girls
Invent new internet meme.
It’s called “Harlem Sharts”
— The Reverend Chad Kroeger
Ducklips throws peace sign
On Jersey Girls night out
Regret, shame to follow
— Et Tu Douche?
Ironically, her
hand placement is a pointless
act of modesty.
— Charles Douchewin
“Don’t bother” said Kim
The web is already full
of pics of my vag
— Magnum Douche P. I.
When she moves her hand
out slides a forty-two ounce
Louisville Slugger
— hermit
Showing off their catch
Like they do on Whaling Ships
She’ll soon be mounted
— Bag em, Tag em
