Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Where's Waldouche? Vegas Lineup Edition

Somewhere in this towel lineup of Vegas Tramp Hotts, I’ve carefully hidden a buffoonish Waldouche wearing my grammy Thelma’s sunglasses she got in Boca.

Look closely.

Can you find him?

Tards 'R Us

I think it’s kind of sweet that Catherine spends her weekends helping out ‘tards down at the ‘Tard Center, ‘Tards ‘R Us.

I know I shouldn’t call them ‘tards. I should use words like “friends of the short bus,” or “intellectually challenged.”

But since I’d like to rub peanut butter on Catherine’s childhood teddy bear, Shmooky, before I beg her startled grandmother not to call the police, I’ll go with ‘tards.

Caption This Pic

Guillermo heard that if you suck out the poison from a herp sore it can help cure the infection.

Orange Color Space II

Nature of Orange: As a warm color, orange is a stimulant — stimulating the emotions and even the appetite. Orange can be found in nature in the changing leaves of fall, the setting sun, and the skin and meat of citrus fruit.

The Grillzas

Lesser known trip-hop funk group The Grillzas take a break after opening for the Ratt/Poison tribute band Roison in Bismark, North Dakota.

You tools may be big in Belgium and France, but please leave the cheerleader alone.

Because I need to take her backstage, where I will paint her fingernails with sparkle and glitter while she complained about her older sister totally not giving her like a ride this morning, and then salivate on her kneecaps like a plug pulled quadriplegic.

Jiffy Lube

Watching the love-child of Matt Damon, Luis Guzman and a retro-Battlestar cylon mack on Hippie Mylie Cyrus by way of Diane Keaton’s wardrobe is enough to make Prince’s doves cry.

The previous pop-culture infused jam band sentence brought to you by Jiffy Lube.

Jiffy Lube. Why take your car anywhere else?

Yeah, I’m making no sense. But neither do their clothes. And sometimes the only rational response to an irrational world is a free plug for Jiffy Lube.

Cactus Pud

And while you’re mulling your vote in the Weekly, here’s a delicate, sweet, honeysuckle Desert Flower planted next to a smelly-ass Cactus Pud.

The good news is that the Cactus Pud only has to water his hair every six months. The bad news is his pits smell like a mixture of salmon, canola sunflower oil, and a Brazilian cabana hut used to store donkey ass.

Not even a rare appearance by Unambiquitous Blue Cup can save this unhealthy desert scene.

But note that Ubiquitous Red Cup waits in the background, watching ominously. Ubiquitous Red Cup knows what’s up.

Where's Bradouche?

Somewhere in this Spring Break cacaphony of bouncy state-schoolettes and Floridian beachdouche, I’ve carefully hidden Bra!!

Look closely. He’s switched from Coke and Pepsi to Dr. Pepper. Because bitches and cola are a way of life, but brand name loyalty is for sissies.

Can you find him?

HCwDB of the Week

This is the last Weekly before the Monthly. But, unlike last week, this was a tougher week to cull down to three finalists, as Orange Color Space, M&Ms and even tiny little Diff’rent Scrotes were in the mix.

But I had to pick three, because thems the rules. Each of these three have strengths and weaknesses within their hott/douche polarity. But only one can triumph. So, without further abra, here’s your finalists:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: The Canker Twins

For overwhelming stench of douchosity, as well as surreal double vision, this pic would win hands down.

But where it suffers is on the female side of the equation.

A truly ascendant HCwDB pic should inspire diachronic rage. Polar axis of contradiction. It should make both male and female ‘bag hunters want to intervene with a fire hose on behalf of civilization.

These Bleeths are so far gone, it’s hard to want to intervene at all. More like walk away and slam one’s head into a stop sign.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: The Preppy ‘Bag

This pic grows on you.

Like a foot fungus. Or alien spores on Steven King in Creepshow.

At first you think Argylebag isn’t so bad.

But then you note the fauxhawk. The velvet shirt. The sneer and hint of facial pube. Then you notice Nadja, so sweet, so drunk, so Au Pair Swedish. And the stew is stenchy.

The wrongness consumes into a vortex of turd puddle.

But is Argylebag douchey enough to win the week? Still to be seen.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Still Life with Coors Light

While I considered naming this pic after Hieronymous Dousch’s The Garden of Scrotey Delights in honor of its absurdist and surreal art overtones, instead I will name it after Georges Braque’s Fruitdouche, Ace of Clubs.

This prom-like hottie/douchey absurdity is just too genius not to be allowed to fight for HCwDB of the Week Honors, even if the hott may be sporting a surprise package down below.

The composition is like surreal dada art. We have z-axis spatiality mixing with the blank negative space aesthetics of late 18th century Japanese printmaking.

And Coors Light. And a stupid-ass belt.

Lets just assume that the dress is simply curved in a strange direction and go with it.

But can a hott offering a potential John Holmesian surprise carry the dada aesthetic onward to triumph in the Weekly?

That, my friends, is up to you.

Which of these three gets a slot in the Monthly? Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

Sunday Kickin' It

Nothing says “kickin’ it” like taking out a boat in the swamplands of North Dakota, with a gorgeous view of what they call “Rock Point.”

Hard to tell how douchey Flabby McGee really is, but sagg tatts and hint of 10 Degree Hat Tilt suggest “yes.”

She is a delightful pirate of curvy softness. I would tractor my trailer throughout the midwest just for the chance to take her to Arbys after staying in a Motel 6.