Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

HCwDB of the Week: Freddie Von Gimp and Brenda

A solid victory for the turgid frozen poo of Von Gimp, and the liquid boobie hottie suckle thigh unattainability of Brenda.

The voters speak:

Deltus: Gotta go with Freddie and Brenda. He is 170 pounds of shiney-shirt-wearing, ridiculous-red-poof-tucking, spikey-frosted-hair-having, awful-goatee-growing, gaybag-guyliner-sporting assmunch choadlick hipsterbag fail. She is 120 pounds of incredible-boob-showing, little-black-dress-rocking, perfect-teeth-flashing, gorgeous-face-having blonde bombshell you’d give your left arm to be with win. The other contenders were worthy indeed, but you just can’t compete with a contrast like that.

Troy Tempest: it has to be Freddie, for he is the mechanised dogshit of satan, burning in the paperbag of Western Culture on the porch of history.

fatness: Brenda is what long walks in the park, sunsets on the beach and snuggling by the fire were invented for. Freddie Von Gimp is what unventilated crawlspaces were invented for.

scrotum pole: Brenda, your boobs are a thing of beauty. Von Gimp your entire persona is a thing of doodie. And, because I think I detect Brenda’s hand, ever so subtly pushing Von Gimp away, I like to believe there’s still hope for her.

Em: Looking at Von Gimp makes my skin crawl. Looking at Brenda makes it uncrawl. Looking back and forth at Gimp, Brenda, Gimp, Brenda, Gimp etc does to me what the name “Mufasa” did to that hyena in The Lion King. If a HCwDB of the Week Finalist turns you into a retarded scavenger, your body has voted.

Dude McCrudeshoes: Only a character from a low-budget vampire movie would wear a black satin jacket and red handkerchief. Well, only that figment of some talentless writer’s imagination… and Von Gimp. Von Gimp FTW.

End the Haberdouchery: Freddie Von Gimp. He burns the candle at both ends. When he leaves the club he’ll be hopping into his Honda Civic, removing his guyliner and combing his hair down. The satin jacket needs to go too. Why forsake such fashion you ask? Because his shift at Denny’s starts in an hour and he can’t get written up by his manager again for showing up with makeup on.

dbBen: Freddie Von Gimp. It’s like we’re throwing poo in the melting pot.

Mr. Scrotato Head: Freddie von Gimp for the win because, aside from an outfit that wouldn’t catch fire even if I dragged you down a Texas back road behind my pick-up, few things say douchebag more than having your wingman take your picture as you crush your bartab into the boobs of your ultra hott hostess.

Big Tony Ventresca: I vote for Freddie Von Gimp because on the evening in question he’s clearly consumed a cornucopia of chemicals but his super-douche powers enable him to shrug off the effects and stand up, make a stupid face at the camera, and ruin one hott’s evening.

Amerigo Vesdouchey: If you squeezed Brenda’s boobies just the right way, I’m positive strawberry milk would spout out. She’s fantastic. And the Gimp belongs in a box in a basement somewhere.

Excellent linguistic mockage deconstruction, team, gold stars all around. And thanks to all for moving over and registering at the new WordPress site. 2.0 goes live today, and all will be well in the HCwDBiverse. Coming in a solid second, the Hipsterpoo of Captain Emo:

melvil duchi: This is a tough one but I feel it in my gut to vote for Captain Emo. I think it is the second picture with his “pirate” friend that put me over the edge.

Now to go puke

RAPETIME: Maggie is cute, innocent cute, will listen to my stories with wide-eyed wonder and then jump on me with laughter cute. Captain Emo is sporting a nice combover and facial hair that I’d like to remove with a wire wheel. Enjoy being bald at thirty, asshole.

Scrote Douche-N-Harmony: Captain Emo, because Maggie May is top-notch and he looks very uncomfortable in his douchness. He is evidence of a guy who has been dragged into the lifestyle by years of Fall Out Boy and doesn’t know how to get out. Girls like Maggie hanging on aren’t helping, and now he’s stuck in a world of horrors. As a teenager he was a lost goth, sketching dragons at lunch time, and now he doesn’t know where else to go as a semi-adult.

DarkSock: Put down the Jaeger Bomb and step away from the unshowered scrote, Maggie. I’m gonna get a couple of hard-ass orderlies to get medieval on his ass with a pack of Q-Tips and a case of Lysol as I turn you away from the spectacle and comfort you by gently poking at your nipples like they were a dead guy two hikers just found.

And showing the declining shock value of classic Jerz Guid, the once potent Herp McFly could only take third place:

Mr. Bagoo: Herpy has to take it, because he is everything the others aren’t, which is literally everything that douches are, and isn’t afraid to show it to the world.

bigphatnotadouche: Herpy MC- Fly for the choke hold on the blond and potential twosome. He is a true douche. The other EMO’s are pathetic but don’t illicit anger like McFly.

I’m definitely surprised how quickly we’ve become desensitized to classic Jersey douchescrotery. I’ll need to meditate on this. Perhaps the Jersey Shore has finally rendered this look truly impotent, and the new strains of Grieco are far more potent. But for now, lets let Alex take us home with a full summary of the vote:

McFly is your standard 2007-2008 douche–he’s pure Jerz poo, he likes fake tan, and he wears to much bling. But the important point is that he macks on douchebagettes. McFly, the douchebagettes are yours; you pose no threat to me. Capt Emo–I salute you. You have pulled a quality hott. But you’re groping her, and sadly, she’s just not that into you. And you have on more guyliner than your lovely hott will wear in her entire life. FvG represents everything that is the modern douche: overly done spiky hair, a velvet suit with matching pocket square that is (badly) complimented by your douche-chain, and the facial expression that screams “rapist, but i’m sensitive.” Brenda, please see the errors of your ways. I know free bottle service is nice, but when the price is hanging with Uber-chode, you know it’s time to leave.

Well said all around, another genius and hilarious comments thread. Lets reserve our first slot in the next Monthly for Von Gimp and Brenda, and the DB1 for a bowl of tasty Cocoa Puffs.