Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

The Neckglassian 'Bag

There is no clearer giveaway of lurking Grieco Virus than neckglasses.

Sure, we could’ve pegged Andy for his hand tatts. His mini cookie lobes. Or even the very early seedlings of fuffy hair. But Andy seems relaxed. Jovial, even. Bordering on a nottadouche for lack of douche-face and no Ed Hardy.

Thus, the Neckglasses. They tag stage-2.

Oh Aimee. How appreciative I am that your parents moved you here from Stuttgart when you were three. Your back curve suggests the health and vitality of a highly fertile womb, and I would reward you with bamboo sticks and chocolate.

Where’s Tongueturd?

Somewhere in this triptych gaggle of southern real world attractive gnaw-thigh each of whom are too legit to quit, I’ve carefully hidden an annoying Fratty Tongueturd.

Look closely.

Can you find him?

Where's Tongueturd?

Somewhere in this triptych gaggle of southern real world attractive gnaw-thigh each of whom are too legit to quit, I’ve carefully hidden an annoying Fratty Tongueturd.

Look closely.

Can you find him?

We’ll Cry For You, Argentina

—
DB1,

Cheers!
– Julia
—

South American Hott Tamales always get points for accent and willingness to put out, so no worries on the Hott side, Julia.

Global scrotewankery continues to spread through three tri-tip cultural circulations:

1. Italian Historical Greasy Machismo
2. France’s Christian Audiger
3. American Hairgemony

Good work, Julia. Keep up the international ‘tagging.

We'll Cry For You, Argentina

—

DB1,

– Julia

—

South American Hott Tamales always get points for accent and willingness to put out, so no worries on the Hott side, Julia.

Global scrotewankery continues to spread through three tri-tip cultural circulations:

1. Italian Historical Greasy Machismo

2. France’s Christian Audiger

3. American Hairgemony

Good work, Julia. Keep up the international ‘tagging.

Chief Dances-in-Pinkshirt Voted

Chief Dances in Pinkshirt wanted to drop by and vote in this week’s HCwDB of the Week. Have you voted yet?

Meanwhile, Perfect Skin Sally would appreciate it if I get off her lawn.

Where she found me. At 2am. Gnawing on her discarded chapstick. And moaning for my granmama.

HCwDB of the Week

Because of all the site transitions (2.0 coming this Friday!) and the Monthly, we have a ton of quality mock-worthy hottie/douchey pics to pull from for today’s Weekly vote. Some tough omissions, too.

Here’s your finalists:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Freddie Von Gimp and Brenda

This pic contains a perfect blending of skeezy and annoying hipsterbag, and tasty, award winning, firmly bounceable, top-shelf quality suckle thigh. And that makes a toxic HCwDB combo.

Freddie is all that is sleazy in Sheboygan.

Brenda is all that is cocaine to the ancient Mayans. Because the Mayans were crazy partiers like that. She is drinkable liquid hott.

I would attend Brenda’s collegiate swim meets because I’m convinced she’s into me.

Only to notice twenty other dudes in the fold-out stands thinking the same thing. And then I would weep quietly into my Slushee.

Von Gimp pitches his tweaked out sleazoid game with the worst of residual “Mystery” echo, and for that, he is to be mocked on this site with great aplomb.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Herpy McFly and Brunette Brenda

Hello!!! Hello!!! McFly!!!

I just love writing “McFly.”

H-McF is nuclear glasses wearing proto-Jerz rankfoolery.

As such, he harkens back to classic 2008 HCwDB. And Classic Jerz shoescrape will always have a home on HCwDB.

And by home, I mean a place to be mocked for looking like a name-brand ambulatory billboard of the worst of garish consumer culture.

Proving the DB1 needs more varied girl names to work into his rotation, Brunette Brenda is quality suckle toesies early Shannen Doherty “bitch-hott.” And do not discount the appeal of Bleethy bitch-hott for the industrial turmoil it causes in the gut.

For that is often the recipe for great sex and a need for Pepcid AC.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Captain Emo

Captain Emo even showed up a second time with Maggie May, and some creepy dude named Karl.

I predicted early on that 2010 would be the year of shift from classic Jerz Guid to the new viral strain of Hipsterbag, and Captain Emo is a perfect example.

Captain Emo pitches his genitalia to the ladies as an “alternative” and sensitive singer/songwriter. But his desire to display his wares in the hopes of capturing a sexy bar wench like Maggie May here roots in the same wristdanna poo.

(Dis)honorable mention to the Nuzz Monkey, the Oldbaggery of The Termigator, the commoditization of Jesus and Holy Red Cup of The Savior Bag, The greasy gaybaggery of Euro Crud and the far too bleethy Purple Nurples taint.

So them’s your three.

Only one coupling may make it to our next HCwDB of the Month. But which?

Vote early, vote now, and vote, as always, in the comments thread.

Your Sunday Frolic

Because sometimes we gotta go back in the time machine to 2006 and remember what Jerz Douchebaggery looked like as it began its viral spread.

EDIT: On an unrelated note, the Holy Taco website gets an honorary Douchebag of the Month for ripping me off in every way possible. How’s about coming up with your own bits, Tacobags?

Cookie Earlobe Man

Cookie Earlobe Man don’t take his lobes out for no one, Princess.

No matter how nekkid you get for the iPhone self portrait.

Friday Thoughts and Links

Your humble narrator is hard at work polishing his site’s redesign. And by “polishing his site’s redesign,” I mean a Madlibian euphemism for:

1. Masturbation

2. Alcohol

3. Tasty Mr. Pibb, which is superior to Dr. Pepper, even if it only has an undergraduate degree.

Yup. Makin’ no sense, takin’ no names, and playin’ no Pac-Man.

Here’s your links:

Who wants some fuccen Nesquick?

Anyone who thinks all those “Game” strategies to seduce women by acting like a choad have run their course, think again. There’s: Project Charm.

Reader Justin La Plante (no relation to Ass Pear La Plante) has started up a Facebook series on Douche Rock. Give a fellow ‘bag hunter some support.

Need a job? How about Tanning Butler?

Documentary I’m most excited to see in 2010? American: The Bill Hicks Story.

Best gameshow ever. French women are uber-gnaw.

Christian Audiger shits on a Cadillac.

And, even more depressingly, unveils the Ed Hardy Wedding Cake. Guaranteeing six months of wedded bliss and a lifetime of Valtrex.

“Ganguro,” a highly toxic new strain of Douchebaguette, heads for American shores.

Epic Fail finds Epic Freak. (Warning: disturbingly creepy)

Sometimes an HCwDB pic needs a little Facebookian Context for true ‘bag effect.

Ya know, some days I want to venture to a museum of modern art. I want to contemplate Degas and Van Gogh and Renoir. I want to drink in the highest accomplishments of the human race. And other days, I just want to watch Ass Pear playing xBox.

And while an actual Ass Pear pic seems anticlimaxtic after that clip, here’s your Friday Ass Pear:

Chrome Pear.

Go forth, friends. Go forth, and ferment. For the weekend is thine.