Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Lint Diesel

When the “Bro Brothers” finally got Curvy Carrie drunk enough to cuddle, Lint Diesel decided the moment called for revelation of his patented ‘bag maneuver: O.G.S.R.

That’s right.

Orange Groin Shave Reveal.

And babies across the nation wept and screamed and gnashed their teeth in feral protest against the future darkness that awaits us all.

Buddy Holla

Peggy Sue…

My Peggy Sue u ue…

What?

You’re gonna point out that “douche” doesn’t rhyme with “Sue,” aren’t you? Gimmie a break, it’s early.

The Portrait of Dorian’s Gay

While I consider this image one of my lesser works of HCwDB artistic reclamation of the image in the age of the simulacrum, part of my “Post Lysol” period (and not likely to be submitted as part of my Guggenheim show in 2023), I do believe it deserved a name.

The Portrait of Dorian's Gay

While I consider this image one of my lesser works of HCwDB artistic reclamation of the image in the age of the simulacrum, part of my “Post Lysol” period (and not likely to be submitted as part of my Guggenheim show in 2023), I do believe it deserved a name.

The Double Gargle

It’s a rare moment of alchemy on the site when the hottie/douchey dialectics actually reach a state of pure douche equilibrium.

With Ennis and Kelly, we find just such a state of double stage-4 taint gargle.

Unredeemable. No hope.

Pure, uncut, self contained poo.

Mr. Fromage and Kim Voted

Although furrious that they didn’t make the Weekly this week, Mr. Fromage and Kim decided to be good sports and stop by and vote in the HCwDB anyway.

It isn’t easy for them to find time to vote. Mr. Fromage lives a very hairried life.

Thank you.

I’ll be hair all week.

Have you voted yet?

HCwDB of the Week

Three punk-ass beyoches hitting on gropey hotts enter. Only one may win (lose) the HCwDB of the Week.

Here’s your finalists:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Sperm Edwards and Trish

Appearing in Friday’s Thoughts and Links, Sperm Edwards may have appeared on the site before, as those sperm tatts haunt me like an undercooked pork burrito.

But regardless, this preening doucheclown deserves additional mock possibilities in the Weekly. And so we mock his sorry ass.

Trish sings the praises of cleanly clean chewable clean.

I would lick uponst her doilies at her Grandma’s house while she was out cleaning up after her scotch terrier took a poo on the front lawn.

Her laughter is melodic and mellifluous.

His face is soporific and superfluous.

But are they enough to win the Weekly? And don’t forget, high school readers, the S.A.T. retests are this week.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Old Bernie Schwartz and Kendra

Our second Weekly Finalist to arrive later in the week on the site, Old Bernie appeared as our Saturday post.

It’s rare for a Saturday Oldbag to make the Weekly, but Bernie’s ridic tri-vag chin pubes and sad saggy attempt to cling to the youth market is just too annoying not to deserve collective ridicule.

And Kendra. Yea, oh how I fondle thee.

We’ve had many Kendras appear in douche pics here at HCwDB. But this Kendra is as ivory snow 99 44/100% clean as Trish above. I would wash both softly in an old oak bathroom, and my face would have a lilt of poetic sadness, as if we were in a Vermeer painting.

But oh, that .66/100% dirrty is too juicy not to impeach Kendra’s peaches for dereliction of boobie.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Jack Skullington and Kaylie

Sure Jack’s appeared in the site years ago. But I’m instituting a new rule. If a classic HCwDB douche shows up again hitting on a new hott, and enough time’s past, they’re like new. Re-bro-n, if you will.

Kaylie is naughtier than the other hot chicks in contention this week.

And that’s both a good and a bad thing, depending on how you want your vote to go.

Skullington is classic West Coast Inland Empire shoe scrape. And for that, he deserves mock.

But enough to win the Weekly?

(Dis)honorable mention to Mr. Fromage, who was a little too absurdist to nominate, Danny Who Got Away With It, Dorothy and Toto Poo, and The Minibra, who just wants some more tasty cola beverages, bro.

Now it’s your time.

Which of these three couples is so hottie/douchey in cohabit that we should note them as our Weekly winner?

I need your help. If you don’t wanna vote as an anon, create a profile on the site.

Then vote, as always, in the comments thread to this post.

Brow Down!

In honor of internet clown Nik Ritchie’s HCwDB wedding, lets all sing along to the Glendale Armenian douche anthem, “Brow Down!”

“Drakkor Cologne engraved in my chromosome, come to my shop I give you pager and a cell phone” for the epic lyric win.

Bernie Schwartz Refuses to Get Old

Bernie tried to impress Kendra by dropping references to all the shizz “Vampire Weekend” phat tunes on his ipod.

Kendra smiled and nodded politely.