Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Veg Armstrong

There are many ways to impress a gaggle of cocktail waitress giggle hotts in the hot Vegas sun.

Some involve magic tricks.

Others involve reciting Petrarchian love sonnets by candle light.

And still others involve arm.

Reader Mail: French Pair

Who says the Germans and French can’t get along? Here’s a little late night Ass Pear break brought to you by the German reader I douche, therefore I am:

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Dear DB1,

I douche, therefore I am

—–

Why not take a random Ass Pear break now and again? Danke Shoen, IDTIA. Sie ist sehr gut.

Joey Makes the Puke Face

Nothing quite expresses the joy of posing with the ubergnaw Diana, the hottest girl on the swim team, more than the patented “Puke Face.”

Nicely done, Joey.

Gun tatts and cigarettes may make you think you’re a badass. But your drink is still pink.

The Four Prong

Tagging a Four Prong near hotties in the wild is one of the hardest ‘bag tags there is.

Tagging one in aqua douche-vest near the rare but always valued Hottie Bra Reveal (HBR), is borderline epic.

Kimmy on the left is all sorts of carnal gaze and dewey dewdrop sing-a-long goodness that palm slaps a polar bear and juggles some gargle teat. I’ll even forgive her Spiderman web tatt if she gives me a backrub and buys me a Bass.

EDIT: Addendum to the ‘tag: Four Prongs can have anywhere from three to five prongs. And yes, the DB1 is quite hungover this morning. But enjoying a tasty bottle of Trader Joe’s Blood Orange soda.

HCwDB of the Week

With The Sharkbag and Renee our first Weekly winner of the next round, and with The Jizz Singer safely ensconced (hidden forever) in our Closet of Poo, our new round of finalists brings a wide variety of hottie/douchey select to the vote. No classic Jerz Guid here. Just poopie diaper.

Here’s your finalists:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Lenny’s Midlife Crisis and Paulina

Not since Old Bernie Schwartz used zipper jacket and tri-vag chin pubes to nearly win a Monthly has an Oldbag been this toxic. Lenny’s Groin Shave Reveal alone is enough to molt canines.

Interestingly, like Old Bernie Schwartz, Lenny’s Midlife Crisis involves a petite blonde suckle thigh, in this case, Paulina from Dusseldorf.

Paulina’s remote, humorless German father and manic depressive mother, Klaus and Uta, never gave her affection as a child.

As a result, she finds Lenny’s midlife need to tatt up and dress like a gladiator to be a punishment she deserves for being a bad girl.

Lenny just hopes his first wife and three kids don’t find out about his double life.

Detracting from Lenny’s chances is that, if you ignore the greased up crypto-gay gladiator lifestyle, he kinda looks like your 10th grade history teacher.

Another Oldbag with sag in the Weekly. But enough to win? Not if this coupling has anything to say about it.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Abe Foxman, Kathy, and The Guy Who Usually Works in the Kitchen But It’s His Day Off

There were a number of greasy clubwanks to be mocked from last week. But none brought a mink stole to the game.

For that innovation alone, along with McBain Goggles That Do Nothing, there was no stopping Abe Foxman and the Anti-Douchimation League from making it to the Weekly.

Like Paulina, Kathy is semi-confused European on holiday. I’m not sure the photo fully shows her off in the most flattering light, but I would bet most mamalians would gnaw on a frog leg if it meant a chance to sniff her swiffer during housekeeping chores in the convent back in Antwerp she joined after Foxman ruined her ability to love herself.

Yup. No idea what I’m saying.

There’s a fox on him.

‘Nuff said.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Showie Long and Lynn

From the Friday Haiku comes this skeezy Ed Hardy shorts wearing Lickbag and a tasty, if partially facially obscured hott marshmellow bod, Lynn.

But tapered sideburns, shaved chest and ridiculous tatted up arm sleeves are classic ‘Bag, and thus, Showie earns the Weekly.

As does Lynn, who doesn’t even need a face, proving I objectify slutty women.

I blame my environment.

But them’s your three.

It was tough but I eliminated some of the more skater-punkery of last week’s bags, including The Roadie Choadie, Mopey and the Blondians, and, toughest of all, Mitch: Gangsta of Connecticut. Also, honorable mention to Sinbag’s dancing boat hotts, who offer quite the peach gnaw.

Yeah, maybe I should go back and swap out Showie with Mitch, but it’s early. Maybe if there’s a write-in campaign, I’ll consider a revision. But for now, I need your vote. And I need some Honey Bunches of Oats for tasty morning sustenance.

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

Logan’s Run: Ass on Fire

Didn’t really have a great HCwDB clip to run on this Sunday, so instead, enjoy this clip, from the sci-fi classic Logan’s Run, of a man running with his ass on fire.

Mmm… Jenny Agutter hottness.

Logan's Run: Ass on Fire

Didn’t really have a great HCwDB clip to run on this Sunday, so instead, enjoy this clip, from the sci-fi classic Logan’s Run, of a man running with his ass on fire.

Mmm… Jenny Agutter hottness.

The Jizz Singer

Sometimes, the douche is so strong, no hot chick is possible to save the vortex of suckage. Not even when doing the cel phone bathroom mirror portrait.

The Jizz Singer is just that moment.

We, as a society, have failed.

Reader Mail: Hot Chicks, Really?

hellzbelles writes in on the HCwDB message board:

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I heard you on the Adam Carolla Podcast. I am a huge fan of his podcast and enjoyed the episode, leading me to check out your site.

— Hellzbelles

—-

Interesting point, H.B. I need to come up with a site moniker that would be emblematic of this inherent contradiction between the intellectual and reptilian brain centers at work in the fundamental contradictions of the male psyche. A name that would acknowledge my own doucheyness and hypocrisy in criticizing the ‘bags while I desire their hot chicks.

Any suggestions? I’m thinking “Jimmy Kimmel.”

Friday Thoughts and Links

Today I ponder whether, in this, our second year of economic recession, the display of the uber-douchey choadscrote has taken on a desperate, out of time, affect within his spectacle.

When I began HCwDB in 2006, garish spectacle and narcissism by overspending preening tools chasing the ladies was part of a desperate end-of-days orgy of consumption that was prevalent in every corner of our society. But even worse, it was humorless, desperate and the result of the schizophrenia of mass media overstimulation.

Has our culture shifted? Has the shared illusion, the indulgences of our culture of selfishness and consumption in the 00s finally been broken by the harsh realities of check-out time and a bill from the concierge?

I’m not sure. But the douches are still everywhere I look. And the hotties have still not learned to make wiser humpty hump choice. So we carry onward until dawn.

With some tasty Hostess Apple Pies for your hungry narrator. And a sip or three of the Night Train. In an Ubiquitous Red Cup, natch.

Here’s your links:

An example of ‘bag culture today, an eagle-eyed reader snags a Kohl’s Ad featuring Ab Reveal.

If you missed the embedded link above, here it is again, as it must be seen to be believed, and then mocked: HCwDB legendary pud and late night parking lot frolicker, Bobby Batz finally finds a few hot chicks and creates Douchepocalypse: The Movie. (Beware “Crazy Glowstick Hottie.” For her maintenance is high.)

Philips NorelCo targets the growing Groin Shave Reveal market.

Confused language scholars debate the meaning of “I peed in a horse once.”

HCwDB of the Week non-winner The Star Blazer wears zebra pants.

Old Bag, look at your life… your head’s a lot like Skeletor…

Reason to believe in Vishnu and Ganesh #541: Librarian Hotts.

Jennifer Love Hewitt embraces the Ass Pear.

Best show on Broadway right now: Next to Normal. See it. (on a related note: American Idiot was ass)

Some days I enjoy tasty Hostess Twinkies for breakfast. Other days, a microwaved Pop Tart. And other days, I simply gaze into the existential abyss.

And what stares back at me?

Heart Pear.

and

Cement Pear.

And Jesus wept salty fuccen tears for all that ass pear he never got to fondle. Go forth. Go forth and spread the gospel of HCwDB. Because that’s what your great grandparents at Ellis Island envisioned when their name was misspelled by a drunk and surly Irishman with a badge.