Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

A Greasy Pork Sandwich Served in a Dirty Ashtray

Chet does not approve.

Except for Monique on the far right. Who wins the ribbon for happy pants. I would slap a sloth just for the chance to salivate on her pork chops.

Friday Haiku

Brothabag Leon

laughs at this guy, says “No game.”

Chin pubage lacking.

— Wheezer

Lamisha Johnson

Just got off her welder’s shift

I’d flip the bird, too.

— Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt

Bespeckled genius

Age IQ or douche boy friends

Princess chokes her chicken

— Claude Douchenburg

dovetail-joint chin pubes,

attract royal admirer,

and “sausage fingers”.

— Colossus of Choads

Bling Crosby knows that

In order to claim boobies

Must first ditch fat wife

— saulgoode42

In Utah, Damon

can take advantage of lax

societal rules.

— Dr. Bunsen Honeydouche

Jiffy Lube is closed,

Brothabag Damon parties.

Spends seven month’s pay.

— Amerigo Vesdouchey

Marmadouche

Remember ladies, always spay or neuter your ‘bags.

Okay, this wasn’t the cleverest of writing on this late Thursday afternoon, but cut me some slack. His facial chin looks dog-like. And besides, I just ate half a box of Joe-Joes.

Gary Glitter

That reminds me, did I remember to feed the alpacas this morning?

Yup. No idea what I’m saying.

Your humble narrator is just back from Trader Joes, with a hearty supply of low priced cookies, various chocolates, microwavable burritos, and Blood Orange Soda in the fridge, so the sugar high is toxic and impending.

I lie on my stained rug floor, scratch myself in inappropriate places, and consider a world where people spackle glitter on each other.

But a tasty Trader Joe’s oatmeal raisin reassures.

Dane Cook Goes From “Celebrity Douchebag” to Just “Douchebag”

I gotta admit it, back in 2008, I was all about mocking The Cookbag. We received reader mail on Mr. Cook-a-‘Bag, and by the time Cook finally responded to his “haters,” his short-lived movie career was just about over.

Now I just feel bad for the guy.

All those millions of friends on MySpace, and then pop culture goes all Twitter and Facebook. It’s like investing in Betamax.

Hey Dane, I hear Zach Galifianakis is hiring. He’s looking for a part-time chauffeur who isn’t funny.

What, too mean? Okay, Cook. You’re semi-forgiven because your career’s been so bumpy. Now go get that gig on “Celebrity Apprentice” that you’d be perfect for.

Dane Cook Goes From "Celebrity Douchebag" to Just "Douchebag"

I gotta admit it, back in 2008, I was all about mocking The Cookbag. We received reader mail on Mr. Cook-a-‘Bag, and by the time Cook finally responded to his “haters,” his short-lived movie career was just about over.

Now I just feel bad for the guy.

All those millions of friends on MySpace, and then pop culture goes all Twitter and Facebook. It’s like investing in Betamax.

Hey Dane, I hear Zach Galifianakis is hiring. He’s looking for a part-time chauffeur who isn’t funny.

What, too mean? Okay, Cook. You’re semi-forgiven because your career’s been so bumpy. Now go get that gig on “Celebrity Apprentice” that you’d be perfect for.

Klaaj Dresses Like a Douche, Is Still a Nice Guy at Heart

Klaaj, you come from a good family of Norwegian fishing stock.

There’s nothing wrong with never leaving your small European coastal town except for a brief alcoholic trip through Copenhagen when you’re 23.

Put down the tattoos and gel, and step away from Saskia and her besties.

They just want to sell you a time share in Trondheim.

The Downtown Loft Pud

Do not be fooled.

Somewhere between Hipsterbag and Rockerbag lies the Downtown Loft Pud.

Who actually lives upstate. In his mom’s garage. But, dammit, he’s going to rent that loft soon. When he gets that gig spinning for the McKinley High Junior Dance. Then it’ll all be gravy.

So why’d I really run this pic?

Amanda. I would triple vault through a rice patty field swamp wearing a mumu and a diamond crusted caftan in the hopes that I would startle the nearby oxen enough that they would drop a cowpie which would provide the nutrients to grow a series of white orchids six months later that you would end up ignoring while getting a mani/pedi with your besties in Reno.

Joey Porsche And Crew Remind Us What Douche Is

Some of you are complaining that that last pic, The Prince of Poosia, isn’t douchey enough to mock, nor hottie enough to appreciate.

So have some vintage 2007 HCwDB of the Year winner, Joey Porsche Crew.

To remind us what we fight against.

And to remember what happens when young women with much physical gifts to offer, in their prime, cohabit with greased up Long Island driftchoad.

The whole thing devolves into a scrum of rancid armpit grease.

The Prince of Poosia

It may not have been a great movie, but the performance by Jake Gellynhair was pretty impressive.