Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Miami Bleach

I believe it was Ralph Waldo Emerson, in Nature and Chest Shave, who first wrote the apocryphal line:

“Miami would be a great place if it wasn’t for all them freakin’ scrotestains hittin’ on the quality ass pear.”

Emerson was a visionary.

Gunter and Sven Bother Camilla, Accidentally Capture Picture of Alien

The douche… is out there.

Bluetooth = Autodouche

Outside of a work/office situation, there are no exceptions to this rule.

So let it be written.

So let it be done.

So let it be Valtrexed.

The ‘Baggle Axe

Sometimes, hitting on three hot sisters from upstate Pennsylvania on a college tour of Philly, and going to war against the Greeks in medieval times are, like, totally analogous.

On an unrelated note, the word “analogous” has anal in it. And ogous.

The 'Baggle Axe

Sometimes, hitting on three hot sisters from upstate Pennsylvania on a college tour of Philly, and going to war against the Greeks in medieval times are, like, totally analogous.

On an unrelated note, the word “analogous” has anal in it. And ogous.

Meow Tse Dung

Say what you will about Meow Tse Dung’s “Douchunist Manifesto,” but it scores some quality A-List M.S.G. enhanced boobies.

Patel Pwns Freshman Year at Rutgers

And the dorms were never the same again.

In fact, I like Patel. He’s got a bit of ‘tude and a metallic suit, but I’m gonna hand out a nottadouche and a get back to physics studying, the midterm is in two days.

Good on you, Patel. The girls from neighboring Jersey State are properly liquefied and at least brief boob fondle is a distinct possibility in the witching hour.

The Semen on the Mount

Jebus speaks:

“Ye are the salt of the margarita glass: but if the salt have lost his savour, wherewith shall it be mixed with Red Bull? it is thenceforth good for nothing, but to be cast out, and to be trodden under foot of men. Ye are the strobelight of the club. A club that is set on a hill cannot charge too high a cover charge. Neither do men light a cell phone, and put it under a bushel, but on a belt clip; and it giveth light unto all that are in the club. Let your cell phone so shine before men, that they may see your tribal tatt, and glorify your chest shave which is greasy.”

— The Book of Mayer, 25 or 6: 4.

Prince Warren Assholian of Monaco Voted

Prince Warren Assholian of Monaco and Annoyed Princess Anna wanted to take time off from their HCwDB crown wearing duties to vote in the HCwDB of the Week.

Meanwhile, reader Bryan plays with friday’s HCwDB Tapout logo and discovers that Mindy and Four Prong just opened the first HCwDB clothing store.

HCwDB of the Week

Three servings of hott sauce and choad soup. Three couplings may enter. But only one may proceed like the rash on my ankle. Heres’ your finalists:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Muggy Rodriguez and the Rosalyns

Muggy is a classic “Douche Aura” douchebag. More than the sum of his douche parts.

He may not have the overwhelming signifiers of a louder choadtaint, but something in that smugg-ass face suggests a deeper infection and a greater social crudstain than meets the eye.

And, of course, stupid t-shirt, spiker hair and white belt = autobag.

And then there’s Rosalyn’s Rosalyns. Twin heaving mounds of perspiring melonic perfection in tonal harmonic seventh chord with a sus-4 lift.

Her melody is in the key of boobs.

I took a year of Recorder class in third grade just so I could know how to suckle musically.

Factor in her hot friend Candy, and this pic has hottie/douchey dialectic in spades.

But what about:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Jebus, Mary and Broseph

Hark! And Jebus said, ‘Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of douche, I smell like lilacs.”

I like to think of Jebus as a “fungamentalist Crisptian.”

Or perhaps a “Pentacrustal bore again?”

And lets not forget pic #2 in our pup tent revival, The Jebus and Mary Stain.

Mary is all that is eating disordered in Bilbao. She is the absolute epitome of Eurosexiness, and is to be commended with a light paddling on the bottom.

Broseph just wants to enjoy his tasty Riccola.

Together, they make a heaping serving of Euro crud. And we haven’t had a Eurocrud HCwDB of the Week winner since last year’s Franco travesty, The Eurobag. Could this be the Week?

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Swimhott and Modelbag

At first I was gonna eliminate Swimhott and Modelbag as I don’t usually include “pro” pics as part of hottie/douchey analysis.

And then I asked myself, “Well? How did I get here?” And then I asked myself, “This is not my beautiful wife. This is not my not a douchebag.”

Letting the days go by, Cameltoe cameltoe cameltoe.

So they’re in.

Why not?

Maybe a modelbag in librarian glasses and a super asskickworthy model douche with a stupid tatt can take the prize, pro pic or not.

Dishonorable mention to The inflated Euroboobs, and the tough to not include Tri-Skull Vic and Maria (Vic just didn’t piss me off enough). And I’m eliminating Beau and Mindy because Mindy’s already starting in with annoying takedown requests, and struggled with not including Monique and Tatt Pec Tony but standard issue Vegas Hard Rock crapfests don’t rankle like they used to.

So them’s your three.

You may pick one, and only one, coupling for the next HCwDB of the Month.

Is it the Swimhott and Modelbag? Or the Jebus and Mary Stain? Or the real world Muggy?

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.