Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Great Flexpectations

You can wear your Nike fannypack at a 45 degree tilt, Chad, but it doesn’t make you any less douchier.

That’s just wayyyy too much choadshine on display and way too little hott counterbalance (although I appreciate Maya’s best efforts).

Time for a Pear Chaser. Roller Pear.

Ahhh… now I can think clearly again. And by think clearly, I mean watch TV and scratch myself.

Reader Mail: “The Kleenex Mafia”

——
DB1,

enjoy!
— Canadian ‘Bag Slayer
—–

I just blew my nose. Good work, CBS. Operation Blame Canada continues.

Grease Foo Voted

Grease Foo took time off from creepily macking on the party ladies of Southern Lake Tahoe, as well as his chest radiation treatments, to vote in the HCwDB of the Week.

Have you voted yet?

HCwDB of the Week

Holiday’s over. Lets do this. It’s an all Pudster/Hott Weekly. Real world choad. Here are your finalists:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Andrew’s Bro and Kaitlyn

The first Weekly to be reader tagged in awhile, Andrew’s Bro is all sorts of layabout fratpud.

And his nice assortment of young, fertile Canadian hotts gives him a quality H.C. balance to the wrongness equation.

Witness the run of suburban cheese in Brobag #2. Brobag #3 and Brobag #4.

Andrew’s Bro is the kind who doesn’t worry about the future. And as he was tagged by his younger brother, a rarity in ‘bag tagging, we don’t even have generational disparity to claim a culture gap to excuse his toejammery of posing with the ladies.

Andrew’s Bro is a true wankstabag. And Kaitlyn is all sorts of Canadian accented giggle hott.

But enough to take the weekly? Here’s our next pudster:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Neil Hardy and Marsha Hott

Neil Hardy parties while his parents are out of town at an Insurance Seminar in Aames. Fo’ shniebling, dope.

Later, to prove his hip-hop bonafides to the ladies, Neil Hardy snagged chill nottabrothabag Pete, and Uberhott Heather. Because whatever is in the water in Des Moines is producing serious A-Grade barely legals.

Neil Hardy listens to Run DMC even though he was born well into the 90s. Because retro old school rap is “dope, yo.”

In a related story, Kurtis Blow just castrated himself.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Breaker Morans and Dolla Hotts

The third slot was the toughest to decide on. And by third slot, I mean Kelly gettin’ freaky after too many Mai Tais.

The Breaker Morans are all sorts of Australian war victim period piece Mel Gibson dingo turd.

The Dolla Dolla Bill Yalls offer sweet, perfumed inner thighs that smell like lilacs and sugar plums and scented candle.

Oh Dolla #1. I shall call thee “Foucault” and discuss contested power space. And by contested power space, I mean how far I’ll get to touch after I blow 200 bucks on dinner.

(Dis)honorable mention to The Club Moes, my artistic triumph with the avant-garde masterwork American Typhus, The Vegas crud of Pinky and the Butt, Blu Ray, Suburban Gangsta Darren and the Eurocrud of The Utersladder.

While this isn’t the most pungent week of hottie/douchey partnering, these are all couples that deserve mock. Granted, whomever we pick today is filling the last slot against foes like Brothabag Darren. Still, we got a job to do so lets do it.

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

Happy Labor Day!

In honor of America’s working labor class, the people who hold this country together, HCwDB would like to pay tribute to you in the only way I know how:

With dancing baby frolic.

Regular postings, including a tough HCwDB of the Week, resume in full tomorrow. For now, your humble narrator lays pensively on his rug and sips a cup of Mad Dog.

The Grieco Sings

Richard Grieco, early 1990s nexus point for the entirety of the modern HCwDB plague (aka “The Grieco Virus”), demonstrates the douchiest acoustic guitar performance in history (with bonus weepy 90s pseudo-emotion).

And in welcome news, internet douchepustule Nik Richie of The Dirty was recently arrested for being a scrotelick.

The Virginity Hit: September 10th

I’m pleased to announce that Sony Pictures’ upcoming The Virginity Hit is joining up with HCwDB this month to help get the word out on the film.

Having been a virgin for the first seventeen years of my life, I feel especially qualified to comment on this movie.

And while I haven’t yet seen it, the trailer looks pretty hilarious and I’m a huge fan of teen sex comedies. Especially those hard-R 1980s teen comedies that pretty much shaped Western culture as we know it today, forming the building blocks of our entire generation’s understanding of sexuality, gender and panties poke.

I’m talking nerds. Jocks. Boobies. Desperate attempts to score quality Ass Pear. The way movies were meant to be ever since Thomas Edison first electrocuted an elephant back in 1903.

Check out the trailer here.

And check out The Virginity Hit on September 10th. Support an HCwDB sponsor. And lets bring back teen sex comedies the way they were meant to be. None of that chaste “Twilight” crap. We’re talking penis and fart jokes.

And a fat, wisecracking best friend obsessed with the suckle thighs.

For that is when cinema is at it’s finest.

Friday Thoughts and Links

As a sharp cutting breeze crusts upon daybreak of autumnal ocean sunrise, a lone deer glances up from the edge of the forestland.

He sees hot chick with douchebag.

And sharts a wee lonely turd uponst the sand.

Where it steams, forlornly.

Here’s your links:

HCwDB’s DVD Pick of the Week: “Wad-a-harr-to?”

‘Bag Hunter Update: HCwDB’s own Mr. Biggs has raised enough money to self finance his graphic novel, Inferno, which he assures us will depict much douche mocking and hott lusting. Thanks to all readers who donated after July’s link was posted. More details will be posted when it’s finished.

A review/account of a proud owner of the Hot Chicks with Douchebags book that makes me particularly happy.

Sign #41 of the impending Scrotocalypse: The Jersey Shore’s ‘The Situation’ Paid $400,000 to Promote ‘Ab Building Vodka.’ The war must continue, fellow ‘bag hunters.

Hair Gel tipping point reached in Las Vegas.

Sign #36 of the impending Scrotocalypse: Bon Jovi’s Tico Torres Starts Douchebag Baby Clothing Line

One of the greatest bands of the 90s, Ween, play Freedom of ’76 on the Jenny Pratt show. For those who still buy CDs, no collection is complete without this masterpiece.

We fought the Cold War for 40 years so Russians would have the right to act as suburban wigga douchey as Americans.

A pretty amusing essay on how Hipsters can’t understand irony. It’s like rain on your wedding day.

2007 HCwDB of the Year winner, Joey Porsche is on Facebook. Ya diggg?

It’s a triple treat of Ass Pear after all the flexing Vegas douche we endured this week, so here’s your reward for all your hard work.

Car Pear.

Mocha Pear for the chocolate lovers among us.

And, for the end of summer, Beach Pear.

Enjoy. Discuss. Fondle meditatively. For the weekend is upon.

Find the Dolla

Okay kids, time to play another round of the game that’s sweeping the nation, Find the Dolla!!

Somewhere in this pileup of sexy dirty trashy hottie and two Breaker Morans, I’ve carefully hidden a dolla bill.

Look closely.

Can you find it?

Black Bikini Heals All

After that Meanclown Sandwich in the Haiku, we need a little bikini hott with some relatively innocuous pudsters to cool us down.

Rayven in the middle cures lupus and gangrene with boobie suckle thigh power. Hers are the shoulders of ubergnaw.

Her younger sister, Kelly, ain’t so bad neither. Text me after midterms, Kelly. There’s a ragin’ kegger. Somewhere I’m sure. I just don’t know about it. Because I’ve been out of college for well over a decade now.

A special hearty handshake from the collective unconscious goes out to the inventor of tiny jean shorts unbuttoned to reveal bikini bottom.

Lets us all bow our heads and give thanks to Adonai, Gaia, Lilith, and JSUBBR (Jean Shorts Unbutton Bikini Bottom Reveal).