Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Breaking: Congressman Christopher Lee (R-Etard) Resigns for Emailing Douche Pic on Craigslist

Well, the classic ‘bag Camera Phone Bathroom Pose, as seen numerous times on the site, has reached the halls of Congress.

Some married congressional shmoe named Christopher Lee trying to pick up the “ladiez” by emailing douche-pics of his tax cut.

In addition, HCwDB has found an *exclusive* second pic of Congressman Lee not yet released to the general public.

Witness it here.

Yikes.

And because I gotta balance this extremely douche-centric post somehow, enjoy some Tasty Bronzer Pear. Mmm… I’d tea her parties then practice bigotry against her Muslims.

Brillo Frankie Does “The Vegas”

I think it’s high time we standardized the greasy faux’d “tough guy” head-knock of hot chick with upraised arm in sideways boobie point as “The Vegas.”

Sheryl Crow’s hotter, younger sister, Cindy Crow, likes to party. And she’s grateful dad loaned her the money for the, uhm, “enhancements. But she still deserves better.

And by better, I mean me, slathering her lower calf muscles with duck sauce and sprinkled with the shattered dreams of suburban mediocrity and genericism.

Two Generical Pudwacks Buy Kyra a Molson Golden

Oh Kyra.

Your healthy yoga glow calls to me faintly, like a falsetto zebra from bad 70s-era Disney.

How your poor life choices task me like an arthritic leech hanging atwixt my scrotundae.

The Generical Pudwacks tell bad jokes. Their breath smells like refried onions. And the taller one checks Twitter while you’re in the bathroom.

So it is out of a protective sense of love that I hide out in the bushes in back of your dorm room at Colby.

Tell the campus police to let me go. I just want to go home and enjoy a tasty Malomar.

Betsy and Bobby and What Angie Doesn’t Know

Betsy knows she should know better than to date another guy like Bobby.

And her bestie, Angie (not pictured), also knows that Betsy should know better than to date another guy like Bobby.

But Angie doesn’t know that Betsy knows that Angie knows that she should know better than to date another guy like Bobby.

So when Betsy dates a guy like Bobby it’s actually because Angie doesn’t know that Betsy knows that Angie knows that Betsy should know better than to date a guy like Bobby.

And that’s how Betsy got Angie back for borrowing her lip gloss and not returning it at Thirty One Flavors last night.

Parking Lot Frolic: Zionism Style

And on the 8th day, Adonai pumped his fist to bad techno.

I need to recheck the historical record, but I’m fairly sure Theodor Herzl’s First Zionist Conference of 1897 did not contain any direct references to making Aliyah for the purposes of Douche Frolic.

(bonus brief Semitic Librarian Rachel Hottowitz Hottness glimpses at :17 and at 1:48)

Rambro

They sent him on a mission and set him up to fail. The mission involved large fake cans. But they made one mistake. They forgot they were dealing with Rambro.

HCwDB of the Month: Gynochin and Brunette Rhea

Taking down even the mighty douchal power of Carla and the Bros ™, not to mention the Vegas Staypuft Pantywankers and creepy theatricality of Ronnie the Rivethead and perfect sucklability of Woo Girl Kelly, this was a Gynochinslide.

Witness the supplimentary academic texts in support of the thesis:

Gynochin with Perky Peri.

Gynochin and Rhea and Gynopenis Nose.

The voters speak:

Dude McCrudeshoes: Gynochin must be recognized for his impressive body of work. And Rhea must be recognized for her impressive body.

UFO Destroyers: He makes watches stop when he plays in traffic and she makes angels sing when in her presence.

Wedgie: The Chin for the win. Wolverine’s retarded cousin cannot be ignored.

Antony Scrotus: Gynochin and Rhea FTW. Gyno looks like such a big toolbag. I laughed when I saw him. Rhea is fine beauty. The other trash girls don’t even come close.

The great Bagdini: Gynochin for the win, he personifies the ‘bag without being over the top. And by top i mean ridiculous hair and penis glasses.

Troy Tempest: Gynochin. Because just looking at him puts my brain in stirrups and a speculum in each of my eyes.

shish kebag: I would have raging squirrels run through my pants for hours just to get the chance to massage her body for days, then for her to tell me she prefers my brother!!!

Dude McCrudeshoes: Rhea wants your vote! She also wants to know who snuck all the W’s into her bag of M&M’s.

smackdouche: The others are trying, but it comes naturally for Gyno/Rhea. See what I did there? Gyno/Rhea?

Hermit: According to the ancient Biblical text: “Sampson slew a thousand men with the jaw bone of an ass.” Recently uncovered scrolls, along with the above photographic evidence suggest that Gynochin was the ass who lost his jawbone.

Douchelips: Gynochin and Brunette Rhea FTW! He’s the most original by far. Plus he looks like he spends his life looking down a hairdryer.

Guns-N-Douches: Gynochin brings the chin pubes, the hair, the expression, the sunglasses at night and wears a penis on his nose, so he is douche… but what helps him get to the top of Mount Choadwank is Rhea. Rhea is all that is good in this world, like puppies, rainbows and open bar at a wedding where all the bridesmaids are hot, single and in need for some serious deep dicking.

the douche whisperer: @rhea: why?

soy bomb: I wonder if there’s some physical deformity that Gynochin suffers from that makes it look like he’s gargling ballsac.

Stephanie: I’m developing some severe hate for gynochin. But it’s like a car accident you must look at when you pass by it.

teh_abominable_snowdouche: Excellent spread. But as I scrolled down and saw Gynochin, something inside me faded. Like that fuzzy thing right behind your penis. *sigh* Gynochin FTL.

Douchesquire: Heatmiser Gynochin and Rhea for the win. He fuels the ire as I would stoke a coal furnace to warm the cockels of her heart. And by heart I mean Boobies.

Southern Scrotic: Gonna have to go with the superhott Ubergnaw and Ditchwater Gynochin FTW.

jonezy: Gynochin’s hotts are certainly lust-worthy and very expensive and I think we all hope his “career” as Guy Pearce’s stand-in will lead to many more fruitful nights explaining to his dates exactly what a stand-in does before more intricately explaining why said “career” doesn’t enable him to pay for her portion of the expensive meal they just consumed.

Mr. White: The Rivethead is compelling, but not as compelling as Rhea and her hypno-eyes/hypno-boobs. She’s like a hott version of The Hypnotoad. All hail Hypnotoad!

Well said Mr. Wh… all hail Hypnotoad! (ahem) But the others found their support, with Carla and the Bros ™ coming in second, Ronnie and Kelly third and the Staypuft turds a lonely and distant fourth:

Luis Douchuel: In the end, I have to go with Carla and The Bros, because despite Carla’s blandness, and despite The Bros’ gaybaggery and probaggery tendencies, they have demonstrated true douchiness, that is, douchiness of the mind and of the written word. And isn’t that the root cause of all douche?

I R A Darth Aggie: Carla and The Brows™ FTW. Mostly to piss off Sabio the Sabot, and there are hotter Hotts (like Brunette Rhea and Woo Girl Kelly).

dbBen: “The Bros”. Because they have broken the fourth wall.

MoeDouche: Carla and the Bros FTW. Just to goad them on to come back and make asses of themselves again.

FoghornLeghorn: I’m voting for Carla and the Bros. Sure Gynochin is a fantastic douche and Rhea is… well, Rhea, but the sheer number douches in the Bros out weigh them both. If Carla had somebody look into straightening her cervical vertebrae, I think she could even challenge Rhea.

Choad The Douche Sprocket: Ronnie the Rivethead is all I love about HCwDB… by which I mean I love to look at super hot, perky (Debby Reynolds-in-her-heyday) hotts being humped from behind by barely pubescent pudwacks who keep their underwear on during their aforementioned anal adventures.)

The Reverend Chad Kroeger: It’s gotta be Ronnie. He’s really taken a shot at it. And by shot I mean like the hillbillies shooting at Bugs.

Ronnie’s headwounds and the others all had their shot, but this was the real world hottie/douchey dialectic in full force that trumped performative “pro” ‘baggery and brought back real world punch-face in presence of a hott that we would, as Medusa Oblongata puts it: lick melted butter from between Rhea’s toes.

Their win is impressive. Most impressive. But they are not HCwDB of the Year winners yet.

Chalk up our first coupling to make it to the Yearly. And the DB1 for sugar enhanced Chex.

Angry Bert Doesn’t Like You

Nadja confuses terror with love. Or so her therapist keeps telling her.

But she knows she can change him. She just needs time.

EDIT: Mr. Scrotato Head makes the excellent catch that Angry Bert is indeed a shirted Tendon Ted and Ass Pear Annie is a clothed Ass Pear Annie. Good work Mr. S.H.

EDIT #2: Readers Wedgie and The Everpresent Anonymous also made the catch. Proving once again that I gotta stop drinking so much and keep better track of previously tagged ‘bags.

Guy Who Looks Over Sunglasses Guy

Guy Who Looks Over Sunglasses Guy has a strategy he likes to employ when tackling the Vegas Gnaw Hotts, especially The Sweet Smile Kimmy Sisters, for photos.

It’s consistent.

It’s well practiced.

And it is a stage-3 violation. The collar pop of the sunglasses world, as it were.

Take ’em off, Kevin, and get back to work. The fries need more salt.

Reader Mail: We Are Pitiful and Pathetic for Insulting Them

From last week’s Winged Shirts thread:

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Why do you guys honestly insult men and women you know nothing about? You’re all just basing your attacks on the assumption that these men are the same guys who beat on you in high school which is actually usually the opposite of what occurs. Typically, the men that are this dedicated to aesthetics were scrawny or overweight during their adolescence and this is their way of overcompensating for the imbalance of the social life in public school.

—–

Since you’ve provided no spelling errors for me to mock, JaOM, I will only note that anyone who defines narcissistic body display as “aesthetics,” or comes up with lame pseudo-Freudian excuses for pumped up pool-clowns involving theoretical childhood trauma, is a puffed up weenie ween.

Neener neener.