Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

The Ole’ Lick Gesturer

If there’s one thing Sheyen Kim learned in her five years since moving to the States from Korea, it’s that “Contract Killers” keep it real by proving their “gangsta” cred. With bloodstained gun marks on their shorts.

And licky facial gestures while giving backrubs that suggest they are cunning linguists.

Because that’s how Vegas Gangstas role. As far as Sheyen Kim knows.

Speedo Shot First

Somewhere, a long way across oceans of time and space and sands of golden nuggets… way past the fjords of dead parakeets and across the planes of rural Huutju…

A lonely bison steps on a lemur.

And it goes “spppppllllleeeeeettttt.”

And at that exact moment, halfway around the world, three Speedo douches converge in Y-Wing formation to crush Kimberly.

It’s all connected.

Cosmic connections.

And murky lakewater that smells like pizza oil and patchouli.

Suburban Long Island is a Scary Place

Lets not go there.

No, not even to save the poor Shy Jenn Triplets from their older sister’s BFF’s ex-boyfriend, Fabrizio.

We will have to collective pooch each of their firm and virtuous pooty putters with rubber frogs and a spitoon from afar, and only in theory, not practice.

Four Prong Voted

HCwDB’s own ambiguously gendered douche-hair legend, Four Prong, wanted to drop by with some bemused bros and the scrumptuous potential librarian naughty pooch pooters, The Rachel Sisters, and vote in the HCwDB of the Month.

Have you voted yet?

HCwDB of the Month

And now I turn it over to you, fellow ‘bag hunters and huntresses.

Which of these four toxic hottie/douchey couplings is most deserving to call itself HCwDB of the Month and earn a spot at the 2011 Douchies?

It’s our first Monthly of the year. Here’s your noms:

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Ronnie the Rivethead and Woo Girl Kelly

A number of astute regs have talked me out of claiming that Ronnie the Rivethead also showed up as Ronnie the costumed Swami douche, noting discrepencies of pec sag, so this is our only pic to consider for the monthly.

Here we find classic Party Boi clubturd ‘tude.

Mixed in with Woo Girl Kelly’s haunting eyes of ethereal femininity, and the combo is all that is toxic and pooscrape about Poughkeepsie.

Did I mention rivets in his head? Almost five years of HCwDB and this look is a new one. Points for innovation.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: Carla and The Bros ™

Carla is pure sexy/porny Vegas trashiness, and The Bros ™ are classic crypto-gay party clowns. Together, they are hottie/douchey distillation.

Adding to their chances in the Monthly, The Bros ™ Comments Thread Whine, followed by Trips to Mexico.

Follow all that up with Carla going out with Guy on the Left Bro ™ for a creepy artificially staged beach picnic, and you’ve got all the combos for a serious shot in the Yearly.

And lets not forget that The Bros ™ are Canadian.

Our neighbors to the north continue to take American douchebaggery and refine it in the worst sorts of ways.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: The Stay Puft Pantywankers and Assorted Arizona State Slutty Woos

Another Vegas Rehabgasm of screaming douche-face and party piddle, The Pantywankers are all that is greaser in Griecoland.

So what’s holding the Stay Pufts back from being favored in this Monthly contest?

The Assorted Arizona State Slutty Woos.

A significantly unbalanced hottie/douchey dialectic due to the ladies’ dark turn to The Tramp Side. But still gnaw in that regrettable Vegas way.

Still, this is classic Vegas piddle. But enough to win? We have one more coupling in the fight:

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: Gynochin and Brunette Rhea

Here’s a case where the purity of the Ubergnaw Tasty Expensive First Date drinkable beauty of the hott carries a punchworthy douche-face from a Weekly finalist to a credible Yearly contender.

But lets not forget Gynochin’s other forays into uberdouche: Gynochin with Perky Peri. And Gynochin bothering Ambiguously Brunette Rhea with Penis Nose.

That’s a quality run.

But is doucheface and douchehair enough to topple Ronnie the Rivethead and Tasty Woo Girl Kelly? The club spectacle of Carla and The Bros ™? And the viral infections of the Stay Puft Panty Wankers?

This is a tough, tough vote.

I do not envy you your task.

But the lineup is set. The hotts and douches are in cohabit.

Which rises to the top (bottom) enough to earn our very first slot at the 2011 Douchie Awards in December?

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

Synchronized Douche Parking Lot Frolic: Creepy POV Style

Tuesday. 2am.

University of Maryland dorm parking lot.

Today’s youth’s pursuit of higher education and techno shirtlessness continues unabated.

Your Saturday Higgs Boson Lobehead

Someday, physicists will finally detect the long sought and near mythical Higgs Boson particle.

Where will they find it? In this guy’s lobe.

Yup. Physics humor.

I blame last night’s experiment with orange juice, gummi bears and Mad Dog 20/20.

Friday Thoughts and Links

Here’s HCwDB’s very own orange almost-Legend and former Weekly winner, The Night Oranger. As a gay cop. But still pulling quality party hottness in the form of Sexy Cop Brenda.

So for that, he earns our Friday Mock.

A quiet week for your Humble Narrator. The Night Train is flowing after a brief “health” hiatus where I ate only wheat germ and a plate of mashed yeast crashed and burned with six consecutive trips to In-n-Out Burger. Those are some tasty burgers, Dude.

As to HCwDB’s Mission Quest, the ‘bags continue to doth protest too much, by email and comments threads, which means our mock continues to have potency, even in this unfortunate era of Jersey Shore meta-celebrity.

And for that, our cause remains not only Holy. But Righteous. And Just.

Here’s your links:

Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week, Childhood Nostalgia Edition: “When single shines the triple sun/What was sundered and undone/Shall be whole, the two made one/By gelfling hand or else by none.”

In Vegas, even the “Bellagio Bandit” wears douche wear.

I’m working on a spinoff of Jersey Shore right now with Peter Jackson, here’s an exclusive sneak peek.

The Empire Farts Back. Quality cerebral satire for your Friday entertainment.

The Tralfamadorians still love HCwDB.

Since we’re on an 80s nostalgia kick today, there were many arcade games that ruled back in the day. None more so than Journey. Bouncer Bonus Level for the win.

Next thing you know, you’ll tell me Jim Carrey played a heroin addicted Axl Rose acting in a music video based on the Exorcist with a director played by Liam Neeson. In a movie starring Clint Eastwood.

The 80s were trippy times, man. Trippy times.

Here’s your Pear:

This Old House Pear.

It is rustic southern comfort. And the house, too.

Winged Shirts and Melon Salutations

Timmy’s a pudwack, nothing more. A stage-1 violation for the shirt, which is only an infraction in the state of California (and not a misdemeanor) lets him off easy.

Melanie counters any nihilist dread by offering us hope, sunrises and ice cream sandwich lunch tray gnaw through the proud display of two firm yet supple inspirational counter-arguments to any feelings of dread regarding the inevitable corporeal decay and eventual death we all face.

In the form of gazangagongs.

The Scrub Boat

Calling your girlfriend a “He” is one thing, Barney. Accusing him/her of being gay, now that’s just juvenile.

What’s next? Spending your early 30s blowing all your money on hair gel, bad tatts, and hanging with your mandana-wearing bros on party boats so you don’t have to face down your lack of spiritual growth since you read “The Tao of Pooh” in Junior High?

Yes.

Yes it is.