Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Jedibags

Lets face it. Biggs was a huge douche too.

Comment of the Week: Anonymous

In describing the genitalia of our HCwDB of the Month winner, Peter Pumpin’head, the everpresent Anonymous wins the Comment of the Week for must succinct metaphor:

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If that’s how much the ‘roids have shrunk this clown’s head, his nut-sack must look like a couple of edamames in the tip of tied-off rubber.

——————-

Friday Thoughts and Links

Lest there was any doubt about our HCwDB of the Month winner containing the necessary adouchremonts, our week concludes with Peter Pumpin’Head.

Having ditched Mary Mammageddon, Peter demonstrates douchery in two classic ways:

1. Busting the classic sideways peace sign (‘bag hand gesture #61) in presence of Pocahontas beach hotties.

2. The douche-nipple-poke from behind a tighty blacky muscle shirt.

The prosecution rests your honor.

It’s good to be back.

Here’s your links:

Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “Yes we do. But this happens to be a one hundred dollar minimum table. Perhaps you’d be more comfortable at one of our lower stakes tables.”

Shark Eats Shark. Stonerbags watch excitedly.

Preakness ‘Bags

If you’ve got some time this weekend, watch Sex Pistols creator/manager Malcolm McLaren gives an epic rant on what he calls “Karaoke Culture” at TED. “Life that’s lived by proxy.” This is pure genius, well worth your time.

If you’ve never thought about the country of Latvia in your life, now’s a good time to start. And by think, I mean boobies.

I never thought I’d find genius in advertising in a McDonalds Ad, yet here it is.

Grey Goose sales are sandbagging our economy.

This just seems like a huge waste of Ezra’s Bar Mitzvah money

Slayer of All things ‘Bag and reality show afficianado, HCwDB’s own Medusa Oblongata writes in with a douche tag from A&E’s Parking Wars. So this show is on TV, while my new show about brain-addled alpacas on the run from the law in El Paso, Texas, (“Alpaca El Paso”) languishes in development hell.

But enough about all that. Here it is. Your reward:

Zipper Latex Pear

Like two mounds of rubber marshmallow slappy spank happy penguin drool gnaw.

Go forth. And drink. Because I’m out of euphemisms for alcoholism.

Reader Mail: Bring Back The ‘Sock!

Responding to my two week walkabout in which DarkSock ran the site, reader Michael has some thoughts:

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You need to go away again. The site was so much better with others running it.
——

Yes but can one ever truly go “away?” Don’t we all leave spectral patterns behind us as we traverse the great unknown of space/time itself?

Friday Haiku

Hottie flips ‘The Bird’
At Lance Bass spikey pudwack,
Who prefers roosters.

Duckie, joy of joys,
When I squeeze you, you make noise!
Lose the Fart Bubble.

— Douche Boyardee’s Cheese and Bagaroni

Backstreet Boy Douchebag
Apparently Castrated
Should be Groping Mamms…

— Mandouchian Candidate

Boobies look like eggs
That baby chick can’t keep warm
Who wants an omellete?

— saulgoode42

Hey Kelly Bundy
I will rubber ducky, oops
purple money shot

— boone doggle

Body paint sexy
But China paint is doped with
Lead, Cesium, Pee.

— Dude McCrudeshoes

Rubber Duckie you’re
the one, making bath time so
much fun, with boobies

— Master Pee

Emperor Hairoheato At The Prom

Yesterday’s Emperor Hairoheato has decided to take Stephanie to the prom. On the fourth moon of Yavin, apparently.

I can’t tell if the fact that Hairoheato’s douche-hair was dyed to match the color of his prom tie is either so ludicrous it’s genius, or too stupid even for a punch fail. By which I mean I punch myself in the face, since someone has to be punched for douche hair.

Stephanie smells like exotic flowers on mint julep night. She will send many Freshman boys into confusion and alcoholic depression at Sarah Lawrence next year.

Yamo Been There

I’m going full nottadouche and goinpeace for our Jamaican rasta-bro who likes to butt grind Most Expensive First Date Hotts on the dance floor.

Yamo’s Fu Manchu, dreads, tatt and stupid pants just don’t rankle, and feel aesthetically consistent for a brothabag to get away with.

So here’s your notta Yamo.

And I see what you see.

Bethany’s Mayan Eye of Coitus is both crotch-melting and bank account draining in all the most potent ways.

Where’s Happy Skippy?

I can’t even give Skippy a Waldouche. That dude’s just happy to lie in wait under a sea of boobal shower.

But after the mammtastic pumped up trainwreck of the previous post, we need a little real world Skippy happiness.

Good for you, Skippy.

Now run home so we can watch the mellifluous giggle pillowfight that’s about to break out among the Kappa Kappa Woos. I’ve got ten bucks on Tami.

HCwDB of the Month: Peter Pumpin’Head and Mary Mammtastic

The inflation run was notable for sheer cartoonish spectacle. And the victory (loss) was not to be denied. Witness the run: Pumpin’Head and Mary #2 and Pumpin’Head and Mary #3.

This inflated spectacle of gender extremes also appeared in 2010 as Veg Armstrong and UberArm and Pauline, and while that sometimes disqualifies a ‘Bag/Hott for consideration the following year, I’ll make an exception for the specularity of this spectacle.

Truth is, Pukey Bowie and Hott Jenn really were the more mockable HCwDB combo in the contest, but the overwhelming stench of pumped up uberschlort was too much to overcome. As the voters speak:

Wedgie: The inflatable twins for the win. Number 4, and here’s your yearly unless we unearth another Stackhouse. Unlikely.

Chris in ‘Baghdad: His tiny head no doubt houses a tinier brain, and her giant mamms contain enough silicon to produce a million iPhones.

Anonymous: Mary has infinite density, her mammaries are built from barely constrained neutron stars, while Peter is nebulous, his biceps filled with an (un)noble gas. How could anything compare to this cosmic, paradoxical and soul-destroying pairing of weight per unit volumism? They are proof of the entropic decay of the universe and make me ponder the Big Crunch…

idfma: Peter and the woman with rock-hard breasts. Do you think he’s jelly that her breasts are harder than his pecs?

One for the Choad: Hott Jenn and Marissa are scrumtrulescent, and Bin Laden is, well, a turd, but I have to give my vote to the ridiculous Michelin Man sorry-ass excuse for a human being that is Peter Pump’inhead and Mary the Big Boobed Lady.

Douche Assassin: Pumpinhead takes this Monthly by the tip of his headhunter-sized noggin. What the hell is that. Is that a gorilla, a robot or a douche… and his “girl” isnt much better. Oh, the humanity!!!

I R A Darth Aggie: I want to rub butter on to Mary’s bolt-ons, whilst placing my foot on Peter’s head and forcing it under the waves. Yes, the Douchedox compells me to vote for Mary’s bolt-ons. I feel hideous and must shower.

Medusa Oblongata: I’m gonna go obvious and give my Paul to Peter and Mary. Then I’m gonna go not-so obvious and say that I’m voting for her because I can tell she used to be very, very hott. Then she got those hideous tits, that spiny, overchiseled nose and the 43 psi inflat-a-lips. She did that to herself so she could attract men. Huh? WE HAVE VAGINAS, THEY’RE LIKE MAGIC, WTF?

Indiana Choad and The Temple of Douche: Even though Mary is the least hot of all the hotts, (and yes, I’m including Bert), I’ll still vote for her and Pumper. There is just no way I can’t vote for the astonishingly distorted body images on display.

SonnyChibaChoad: Mammtastic Mary and her Mountains of MMMMilk FTW…too bad Pete’s twigs and berries will need restarting like Manny’s!

Troy Tempest: Voting matters, and my vote goes to the obvious winner: Inflate-o-Douche and Bleethy Blimp Boobs. These two are so over the top useless they makes my sinuses cake themselves in tiny bits of eggshell for protection.

DoucheyWallnuts: So for reasons too obvious to have to explain I cast my vote for Peter Pumpin’Head and Mary Mammtastic. Once again, to quote Flaubert, “Nothing is more humiliating than to see idiots succeed in enterprises we have failed in.” And I would fail if I attempted to pose in the manner of Pumpin and Mary…

Grand Douchemeister: I’d say Buzzy and Marissa, but Pumpin’head and Mammtastic are too douche/bleeth for words.

This is a case where the spectacles of Douche Aura and Bleeth Overwhelm trumps Douche Signifiers and Standard Hott Chick. Coming in a close second, Pukey Bowie and Hott Jenn were a purist form of HCwDB, the classic type we usually mock.

McLeery: Pukey for sure. Peter and his girl, while ridiculous dont cut the mustard. She is not bleethy enough and his lack of tats, Ed Hardy gear and idiotic bling pull him out of the running.

ehcuodouche: Pukey is showing off a yeast infection, which is a serious party foul, and overrides the Rockstar Leniency Rule, which Pukey would get if he were actually a rockstar, and not a 7-11 clerk who sings part time for a crappy Aerosmith cover band in Dubuque, Iowa.

Choad the Douche Sprocket: Pukey and Hott Jenn FTM – ‘cuz he’s the only one of the bunch who deserves to be permanently exiled to Bin Laden’s Afghan estate…and she reminds me of the last Vegas stripper I ever polished off an 8-ball with.

anonymous: Pukey Bowie and Hott Jen for the simple fact that she appears to be rubbing that turd’s package and that makes me very very angry.

Mr. Scrotato Head: Pukey Bowie and Hott Jenn because his life plateaued in his second run at the 11th grade, and she’s just into him for the free carwash tokens.

Well said people, and it’s good to see the dialectics of the mock continue in the strong comments thread. Coming in third and fourth, but with support, Buzzy and Marissa, and, of course, Evil Burt and Dead Bin Laden.

hermit: what I’d like to do is stare directly and unblinking into Marisa’s white-hot poon-dial until mucus mixed with Benadryl® bubbled from my nostrils, the image was burned permanently into both retinas and tiny drops of semen trickled from my weenus, dripping on my Red Wing® work boots.

But for sheer inflation in an economic recession, lets let The Mandouchian Candidate take us home:

Even laying down this Anus has his head tilted back and to the left. Peter Pumpinhead and Mary Mammapalooza hands down. I hope they both fall in a tiger trap and have to resort to eating one another to survive. Free Range Douche? I think not…

Free Range Douche indeed, TMC. The Peter P and Mary M for the Monthly. And your stubbley narrator for Rice Crispies with chocolate milk (cheaper than Coco Puffs and just as tasty).

Emperor Hairoheato

Caught in a cultural crisis between traditional antiquity and the modern technological age, Emperor Hairoheato saw only one solution to guide his follicles into the modern world.

Bombing Stephanie’s Pearl Harbors.

Yup. That’s WW2 jokes for you kids in the back rows.

It was either that or Star Blazers references.