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Friday, May 31, 2013
Friday Thoughts and Links
New name for my site: Fried Beef Moobs with Hot Chicks.
Beefy McMoobwich is sill out there. Still a rejected McDonalds Dollar Menu item.
Still polluting Vegas Bar Hotts like a malignant melanoma made up of body oils, rubbing lotion, and a failed career as a massage therapist after getting cut from the high school wrestling team back in ’96.
Blonde Katie and Brunette Kate are the sun and the moon, my stars and my candelit dinners, and serious butt slappy whipper prod booble tickle pokey poink. Which is, of course, a euphemism for stocking chew. Let it be written, let it be done. For posterity.
And by posterity, I mean posterior. And by posterior, I mean tiger.
Here’s yer links:
Your classic rock CD pick of the week: “Yesterday and days before,
Sun is cold and rain is hot, I know, been that way for all my time, Till forever on it goes, Fill the circle fast and slow, I know, and I can’t stop my wonder.”
Rich ex-Facebook exec keeps working to avoid being a douchebag. I can think of a problem with this premise involving the words “Facebook” and “exec.”
Douchebag or Giant Fluorescent Pink Slug?
Instagram. Where scrotal essence calcifies.
Remember all the good times you had in college getting drunk and high and partying with hotties with perfect bodies? Think you’re being overly melodramatic when you long for those days again? You’re not. They were as good as you remember.
Pretend comedian actual douchebag Russell Brand continues to be a pretentious pseudo-intellectual twat. The core argument may be good, but please put down the fancy words, Russell, before you hurt yourself. You can’t escape your lot in life as a pretty-boy narcissist with nothing to offer but date rapes and AIDS jokes.
Pick-up-Artists vs. Lesbians. A fight worth having.
’nuff of this crap, here’s your pear:
It may be a repeat from the ‘Sock’s reign of error, but it’s a repeat worth having.
Friday, May 31, 2013Friday Haiku
Pauly can’t D.J.
Since the Coors Umbrella was
Fused to his neck-bones
Blonde mom brings her new
beau’s adult kids to the beach
Pauly cuckolds dad.
— Douche Wayne
Skull tits has big schnozz
since her face hit the windshield
best done from behind
— Dickie Fingers
Interfaith bat mit-
zvahs a big hit with
Coors Light sponsorship.
— UFO Destroyers
Girl has cleft palate
Since the gyroscope was put
In her Monkey Hole.
— The Reverend Chad Kroeger
Her boob says love kills
But love has a little help
From hepatitis
— Dude McCrudeshoes
Pauly D’s five head
like an IMAX movie screen
for sign of the bag
— Magnum Douche P.I.
Dark Sock recovers
From surgery. Haiku waits
The man is Narcos.
— The Reverend Chad Kroeger
I just woke up from
Lortab haze…O yeah, Haiuku
Fight thruoegh the Buzz. SOn.
— DarkSaosk
Thursday, May 30, 2013Ming the Christianless Does Not Adequately Appreciate His Carefree Life
Evil Yellow Sunball will have something to say about it.
Thursday, May 30, 2013Timmy Fingers Finds the Golden Chalice
On the next “Game of Barstools”…
Timmy Fingers’s wife’s sister is the princess who found the dwarf climbing the snow mountain who once was healed by a dragon that formerly belonged to a boatworker who dreamed of the talking tree that contained the sparrow that brought the potion from the eunuch who was formerly married the princess who killed Colonel Mustard with the candlesticks in the drawing room.
Thursday, May 30, 2013Tom Cooze in… "Enemas of The State"
The Penelope Sisters are excited about their big break.
And by big break, I mean pretending to giggle at Tom Cooze’s chest shave + Jesus Bling combo while hoping the next round of Grey Goose will include an extra large tip.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013"Game of Barstools"
Tyrious Asswankius and Khaleesi Sluttius play the game that sweeping the nation, Game of Barstools ™!
Now you and your friends can reenact important plot points from the hit TV show!
Like when that guy who’s related to that other guy kills that person who you vaguely remember from season one who you think had something to do with that other kingdom which rebelled from some power structure, but you’re not sure which, that may or may not be related to the backstory about a previous king we’ve never seen but keep hearing about, who may be the father of an illegitimate heir who married a witch who conjured a demon that slayed another dude who may have secretly married a princess who wasn’t the actual princess but is somehow tied to another kingdom which you know is distinct because it’s very gold there and the people are skinny and bald and they once killed a journeyman who may be a prince who spoke cryptically about a sister who married a footsoldier who was once a king who read a prophesy about a missing child who once dreamed of a crow that flew into a zombie that turned out to be the illegitimate child of the footman at Downton Abbey.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013Honorary Douchebags of the Month: Anyone Associated with Big Budget CGI Animated Kids Films
I get it, Hollywood.
Cute creatures burping and farting their way through a perfectly calibrated three act structured world featuring a shitty Randy Newman song prints the cash money like Amanda Bynes trading ass findle for cigarettes outside the laundry room on a Tuesday.
Hells, you ad wizards don’t even need worlds anymore. Your screaming bratty three-year-old target audience can’t even read yet. Just big faces. And burps. And farts. And some heroic life lesson mixed in with lots of explosions and chases.
Just slap a generic adjective title on it, like Epic or Turbo, hire some b-list clowns to voice the un-characters, whip up an excuse for a chase sequence, and the bean counters will get jingly in their jibblies.
Yeah yeah. It’s entertainment “business,” not entertainment “art.” Yadda yadda. Kablooie blooie. And hotties by the pool with lines of blow carefully atop their tramp-stamp won’t pay for themselves.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013Tom Cooze and Kelly McBoobis Star in "Top Goon"
These porn parodies just get weirder and weirder.
Tuesday, May 28, 2013Understanding the Postmodern Riff
Two weeks ago, in the Riff Raff thread, Douche questioning all… asked:
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What if:
Riff Raff is the purposeful manifestation of the absurdity of pop culture. Far removed from the simple (and probably tweaked out) ass wipe we may see him as, what if he is us. Perhaps the most effective way to end this plague of bagitis is to force the infected to look into the mirror and confront their own ridiculousness.
To this point, I say we must promote Riff Raff. We must encourage it, this thing, this abomination. Because only once it has run its course, this glimmering beacon of ass-hattitry, only once it has infected the goose drinking, hot fondling tool bags we love to hunt, will we be able to carry our message on to new frontiers. The quest of Riff Raff is a painful, shame filled one to watch, let alone encourage, but has the war on douche not been painful, has it not been shame filled?
If we are to win this war, it will be through unrestricted douche warfare. We must find opportunity in the darkest (douchiest) of places. Riff Raff could be our key, our DMD (douche of mass destruction), and we owe it to the casualties of this war, all the hotts that have fallen victim to the plague, to use all the weapons at our disposal. Gentlemen, it is with a heavy heart that I say we set out on this endeavor, for once we venture in to the rabbit hole there is no telling where we will come out, or what kind of shape we will be in once we arrive.
None-the-less, if we are aiming to win the war and simply not just continue to fight it, we must sacrifice. DB1, you must go to that show.
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Well said, DQA. The Raff is spectacle as irony in post-Situation America.
As the one who inadvertently unleashed Snooki uponst the masses, I still owe penance despite my many noble years of douche mocking in both literary, internet, and televisual form (should’ve been theatrical as well but New Line did not let me lord over those rings).
Methinks I must go to this concert. Go to witness.
For if HCwDB is the primal scream against the injustices of product-centric spectacle culture, then Riff Raff is our proverbial “White Wail”.
Tuesday, May 28, 2013Ming the Christianless
Jesus bling, black pajamas, and Napoleon Complex make Ming a dull boy.
Curvy Katie dolls herself up for a night out after nursing school. And then chooses very poorly.
