Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Pontius Pimplate Washes His Hands of Pear

You’re fooling no one, Pontius. Get thee to a P-Town Clambake and leave the oggling to those of us who don’t know the first names of Right Said Fred.

Angry Moe and the Jenny Triplets

Random thoughts as I celebrate the end of Breaking Bad, a solid win by my New England Patriots, and only the faintest remants of a post-diapey change binge on quality Night Train tasty screw-top wine last night:

Angry Moe has a large cap on his head.

If I don’t shower for more than two days, my inner left thigh begins to faintly smell of brie.

My inner right thigh, however, smells like petunias.

I really, really, really like bacon.

And by bacon, I mean sucklepear.

HC1 is mildly bemused by my propensity to oggle sucklepear in both digital and three dimensional form.

HC1 still does not know much about my single days, such as adventures with the likes of Hall of Hott member Veronica. Lets hope she doesn’t read this post.

But now I change diapeys and sleep in 2-3 hour blocks.

And, when I get around to it, mock douchewanks like Angry Moe and consider how I would’ve approached the Jenny Triplets way back in the 00s.

Jenny Agutter Explains the Future

Really, is there any better way to spend a few minutes this morning than staring at the purity hottie suckle perfection booble proddle of the lucious future savior of the human race and werewolf slayer, Jenny Agutter?

EDIT: Posted this last week but reposting it for Agutter hottness.

Friday Thoughts and Links

It takes a bold couple to scribble text on their bodies, grease up, then display that inked body as some form of phallus/vag genital prize on the carnal catwalk of summer beach culture.

And by bold, I mean silly.

Your humb narrs is sipping a coffee and reflecting on life.

Perhaps the days of blog-based entertainment no longer make sense in a world of custom feeds and hive-mind comedy sites like Reddit.

But fuggit. I got nothing else to do.

Have some links:

Your Amazon Buy Some Shit and Support the Site Link of the Day: My seven-week-old baby, BC1, did not appreciate her latest crib partner.

Confused on how to tag a douchebag in the wild? Consult this handy graph.

Meanwhile in fake PC sporting leagues, the WNBA simply does not respect its target audience.

Douche Product Alert: Genital Dye. For when you need to wash the gray away. On your genital. Singular.

Because sometimes old people just wanna be noticed.

William Swagspeare.

Dat ass. Don’t ask me, I just work here.

From father to son: Generation ‘Bag.

Okay, nuff on this nonsense. Heres ya go:

PawPrintPear

Not enough? Okay, one more:

HeavenPear

You’re welcome.

Friday Haiku

Her Sweet Emulsion;

Back-door boogie, wang on fire…

The Rabbit done died

Post-Apocalypse

‘Fright Rabbit’ wants to put his

Phallus in Alice

— saulgoode42

Oktoberfest not

fun when g scope inserted

in furry rabbit.

— Dickie Fingers

This here has to be

What Porch Beef is made out of

Well, rancid Porch Beef.

— Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt

His Rabbitosis

Can’t match her Halitosis

Or Twatitosis

— DoucheyWallnuts

Watership Down was

never the same after Rev

Chad’s gardening trip.

— Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche

Who Framed the Rabbit?

Alice in Blunderland is

The prime candidate.

— The Dude

PCP laced Trix

cereal. A good part of

a complete breakfast

— Magnum Douche P. I.

In the race of life

rhinestone sternum turtles beat

rabbit for the win

— Charles Douchewin

Down the rabbit hole

takes on new meaning with them

German porn is weird

— Magnum Douche P. I.

Now following the

Rabbit down the hole really

Means sloppy seconds

— Jacques Doucheteau

It puts the chick in

The basket or it gets the

Hose. The Hassen hose.

— The Reverend Chad Kroeger

It's Hip to Be Inappropriate

For Huey Loser and the News, crotchrub on Hottie Lisa’s leg will take place.

Oh yes.

It will take place.

Even if it must take place in public and without her consent or awareness.

This is worse than finding out that the original Huey Lewis recorded a disco version of the Exodus theme in 1979. On second thought, no. No it isn’t.

Herbie Saves Up For a Month, Then Runs With The Goose

I gotta give it up to Herbie.

Sometimes ya just gotta save up as much as you can from your day job as a manager at Rusty’s Linoleum and Floor Tiling and blow it all on a night of overpriced bottle service and temporary cohabit with hotties who will forget your name before they order their next Appletini.

I feels ya, Herbie.

I feels ya.

Boobs Or Midget Twins With Shaved Heads?

Okay kids, time to play another round of the game that’s sweeping the nation… Boobs or Midget Twins With Shaved Heads?

Somewhere in this pic of Vegas professional party semi-employment and lack of long term career prospects, I’ve carefully hidden what are either boobs or midget twins with shaved heads.

Look closely.

Can you understand Ambiguously Pregnant Sophie’s mild sense of shame and disgust?

Donkey Douche Gets Feisty With a Reporter on Live Television

For those keeping up with the ongoing adventures of Hall of Scrote douchal legend Donkey Douche, here’s the latest update on his antics.

Because he is a baboon.

Cesspool Matt Says "Whatsup Brah?" in a forced Baritone

Okay I feel bad for making fun of 8bit Tux Guy. He probably deserves a nottadouche and a nicejobkid for scoring Chiquita Maria.

So instead, here’s Cesspool Matt. A heaping choad of scrotal rice if there ever was one.

Cesspool Matt’s busting what is indubitably the douchiest trend of 2013: The Neckerchief Tatt.

All to impress sexy Korean girls-next-door Mira and Trish. Who just want to party like that Wiz Khalifa youtube clip that totally rocked senior year.