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Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Douchiest Celebrity Couple of the Year: Ryan Lochte and Carmen Electra
Sadly, because your humble narrator is a lazy-ass slacker, we didn’t get to do the Douchie Awards this year.
But yeoman Vin Diesel refused to go gently into that good night, and submits the following:
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Celebrity Douchebag Couple 2013
A slow year for celebrity hookups. Of course Bag Virus Patient Zero, Hall of Fame All Star Richard Grieco made a splash with incredible poo-like art, but alas, no Bleeth on his arm. Mylie, Taylor , Katy, Kim all made splashes with their incredible lack of taste in Alphas.
On the sports side, asshat and NHL pest Dion Phaneuf hooked up with a chick that every dick (Yes I’m looking at you Sean Avery) cheap shotting , tough guy wannabe pro hockey player has seemed to have bedded: the once spectacular, but hopelessly Bleethed out Elisha Cuthbert.
Cable reality shows poured out the nimrod parade in a never ending battle to disgust us and TMZ continued to be the most annoying claptrap our sweet flat screens display in digital full color 7.1 Dolby surround sound. However, I await the breaking of the story of the inevitable and comforting news of Justin Bieber’s Malibu cliffside fatal car crash like a dog hearing the can opener, head tilt and all.
But I digress.
Some examples for our Douchiest Couples list were Chad and Avril, Porn twits James Deen and Stoya, Tom Cruise and delicious Ginger Laura Prepon (NSFW boobies), Matt Kemp and Khloé Kardashian and Chad Michael Murray and Nicky Whelan (he of the short lived marriage to delicious dream girl Sophia Bush and Nicky from one of the greatest peek-a-boo wet shots ever)
Let’s open the envelope.
Let’s face facts folks, no one is a bigger moron and douchebag than Ryan Lochte. His reality TV showed featured the most vacuous, idiotic brainwork of perhaps the most clueless human alive. Imagine my delight when word of his hookup with fellow Mensa, Carmen Electra was sporned.
Ryan is all that’s wrong with celebrity in these modern times. Carmen is a toxic throwback to the days of silicon jigglies equating to interesting matters of dire concern , the wastoid ’90’s. Here’s a toast to this year’s winner/losers : Ryan, may you rip an ab muscle flexing in a mirror and Carmen, someday, maybe after shower #1,000,000 , you may finally rid yourself of the stench of Dennis Rodman’s groin cheese. CHEERS!
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Oh, and Happy New Year!!
Monday, December 30, 2013Whither the Meaning of the Tattwhack?
Kelly doesn’t know.
Kelly ponders.
Kelly needs your help!
A cup of lard and a kleenex to the first person able to successfully identify Tattwhack’s logo-esque tattoo in the comments thread.
Monday, December 30, 2013Shrinky Man is an Optical Illusion
Shots Girl Sophia really wishes she’d finished that nursing degree.
Monday, December 30, 2013The Dead Zone
So what to do when Hollywood Bieberbag meatwads and Monica Models float by on the Sunset Blvd. pools of our imagination?
Kick a puppy in the nads, I says.
Another year has passed for your humble narrator in the City of Angels. Another year away from New York.
Some projects happen. Other’s don’t.
The sun will rise. The sun will set. Lou Gorman will have lunch.
It’s that creepy quiet time in Los Angeles between Christmas and New Years. The weather is the same. The churning 20-somethings with a web series and a dream are the same.
But everything gets more quiet.
Turned down.
The desperation and flop sweat of a city built on selling fraudulent dreams and overpriced yoga mats dims.
Just for a moment.
Before Ryan Seacrest and a lot of noise and then the whole churn and burn begins again.
Perhaps Nathanael West said it best in his 1939 classic novella of Hollywood angst, The Day of the Locust:
Their boredom becomes more and more terrible. They realize that they’ve been tricked and burn with resentment. Every day of their lives they read the newspapers and went to the movies. Both fed them on lynchings, murder, sex crimes, explosions, wrecks, love nests, fires, miracles, revolutions, war. This daily diet made sophisticates of them. The sun is a joke. Oranges can’t titillate their jaded palates. Nothing can ever be violent enough to make taut their slack minds and bodies. They have been cheated and betrayed. They have slaved and saved for nothing.
But hey, it beats living in snow country I says. I paid my dues.
Oranges.
Sunday, December 29, 2013Exclusive Footage From Britney Spears "Piece of Me"
Last night in Las Vegas, Britney Spears debuted her new show, <a href="Piece of Me. HCwDB is proud to present this EXCLUSIVE footage of the epic dance sequence that closed the show.
Saturday, December 28, 2013The Golden Globes are Out!
Hoverbag Mike agrees, if anyone deserves Golden Globes it’s Her. No Gravity here. Just American Hustle.
EDIT: In the comments thread, Douchey Wallnuts Jacques Doucheteau hands out the 2013 Douchie Award:
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2013 Douchies: Best Golden Globes
Sophie. Even though she’s a flying bitch.
Runners up:
Snoop Ferret’s Kaylee. Because DAMN gurl.
Hottie Jewss Rachel. She can latkes my potatoes anytime.
Benizio’s Bottle Blonde Blue.
Veronica, for the epic cleavage AND sideboob combo.
Special celebrity award goes to Mariah Carey. Thanks for that one DW.
Friday, December 27, 2013Post Christmasy Thoughts and Links
Oh sexy Librarian Hott Brunette Brenda. How you fall for herspter stank like a euthanized koala falls off a eucalyptus tree.
Such a shame, as my talc powder won’t butt glute powder itself. As far as you know.
It’s that quiet time of year at the ole’ DB1 household. Well, except for the screaming ball of giggles and poo who demands to be fed all day.
She’s like a creative succubus. Lost are many hours of output on work stuffs. But gained is the cute. So I got that going for me.
Was hoping to offer at least a day of 2013 Douchie Awards, but alas, have not been able to do that. My apologies. The Douchie Awards will always be with us in some form, but what with getting up all night to feed the screaming one and making sure HC1 gets her due attentions, time is of the essence.
But we will carry on the Mock into 2014 as best as we can.
Here’s yer minimal links:
Your HCwDB Buy Some Shit on Amazon to Support the Site Link of the Week: “Oh, please don’t go—we’ll eat you up—we love you so!”
Classic Douchemas. Almost makes me nostalgic for the early days of HCwDB. Almost.
File under stupid shirts: Booze, Bitches, and Bath Salts. For people who can’t actually form sentences.
Fake gangster dupes Australian reality show. In a related story, face tatts are forever.
Remember last week’s Skullbro? Turns out eating skulls pays off on Spring Break. Ubiquitous Red Cup does not approve.
While in Las Vegas, Karl met Vinnie, a Pickup Artist.
Faux.
Okay, that’s all I gots. Here’s ya go:
EDIT: Whoops, had a fragmented publication, which for those of you in relationships know is never a good thing for building trust. Full version is now up.
Friday, December 27, 2013Friday Haiku
Great Odin’s Raven!
Party Thor’s veggie diet,
Tastes like peach glitter.
Thursday, December 26, 2013Asian David Arquette Zeroes in on Perky Camille
Asian David Arquette does not stop until Asian David Arquette is ready to stop.
Perky Camille offers the glorious glories of all that is holy and reverent in a land in which carnality trumps culture. She is my pincushion cherubic fantasy. Although, while she ranks highly on the human scale, she’s no Fluffy.
Thursday, December 26, 2013Reader Mail: Charlie Objects to My Tribute to Al Goldstein
As you enjoy your post-Christmas festivus, the following came over the HCwDB wire.
When the iconoclastic publisher of Screw Magazine died last week at 77, I posted this eulogy, which I thought was pretty fair to who he was.
Reader Charlie disagrees, and then takes issue with my methods of self pleasuring:
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Once again you celebrate the looser – the piece of crap you would not want taking pictures of your own wife daughter or mother – but are happy to let victimize someone else.
Your anger and frustration is fueled by your own failure.
Clearly you write like you masturbate in that you have a chronic need to please yourself. Maybe if you were not so certain you know it all you may actually engage and change people – even yourself. Hysterically telling people they are idiots because they believe in God, as you often do, sets a standard that reflects poorly on your own intellectual capacity since the question of who or what created the creator or necessary components of creation are equally subjective to some people; neither science or faith can be absolutely proven by either party. Yet when someone professes faith in a system you reject your protest is so obnoxious and reflexive it becomes clear you are truly pathetic, lost, scared and alone.
A look at your other works makes the view into your vacuous cranium quite clear. Shifting between writing angry and abusive comments about women while offering peaks up their skirts or denigrating soft white targets is easy; living and loving is a bit harder.
I think you are a lucky punk. My guess is in a different time and place, before technology, you would be the mumbling fool, writing on napkins in greasy spoons and talking to himself – wiggling your legs back and forth because you tell yourself you have to go to the bathroom, and maybe you do, but let’s be honest you are really doing it simply because you like the way it feels: CREEP.
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Absolutely not true. In a different time and place, I would be writing on napkins in clean spoons.
