Friday, January 4, 2013

Friday Thoughts and Links

MantaRayDBag

“Stingrays Aluvva thaa boobiesss!!!”

I have no idea why I picture a short, squat, Italian pizza man witnessing this event and proclaiming that sentence with pride.

But I do.

That’s my fantasy and I’m sticking to it.

Well, that and this dreamscape from last night.

It’s a brave new world here at HCwDB in 2013.

Anything can happen!

And by anything, it means your humb narrs sitting around in his living room, lying on his still-stained rug, scratching his crotch is vigorous vertical motions, enjoying a Yoplait yogurt, and watching Drew Carey sleepwalk through The Price is Right.

Here’s no Bob.

But few are.

Remember to spay and neuter your ‘bags.

Here’s your links:

Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “Knight jumps queen! Bishop jumps queen! Pawns jump queen! *Gangbang*!”

Our Balls, Ourselves

This geniusness gave me a Jewish Comedygasm. And have you tried getting borscht stains off of your pants? (done in Seinfeld voice)

Have a young daughter? Want to turn her into a Bleeth? Now there’s a kit!

Save the Horses! Sex and the Ponies?

Oompa Loompas wanted for crimes in the U.K. Joey Porsche wanted for questioning.

Okay, enough of my shenanigans. Have some Pear:

U.P.S. Pear.

Or as I like to call it, Ups.

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# posted by douchebag1
Links n' stuff:
1:49 pm January, 4 Duck Duck Douche said...

How nice of PETA to use a horse-face in their save the horse campaign.
.
re: UPS Pear, you should post the rest of that series…

2:05 pm January, 4 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I’m happy tp proclaim that I have regained full Jesus-sized cock and swollen testes with the full on boner. Super vitamins from the U.S. (respect) have taken my member from a drug addled limp biskit to rager in three days. It was supposed to help my nerve pain but fuck that I’ll just run around full boner all day like Choad The Douche Spocket and forget the pain. I am guessing, with the help of a ruler that it now attains a full 10 and one quarter inches and 1 and three quarters wide and my balls are like Christmas clementines. Penis length must be measured from the top of the penis base. Measuring to the taint adds a few inches but is widely considered as cheating. This year we celebrate penis and balls with a great aplomb. And by aplomb I mean I’ll try to stop talking about ball licking and shit and get “ASK REVEREND CHAD” going. For any of you with small penises, the girls don’t care as long as you get a couple of inches of penetration in, so don’t sweat it. Just ram em hard ans suck the whole puss like a big peach. You gotts ram your whole face in there and take all the clit and labials in your mouth and suck hard and give her a tonque twirly inside from time to time while your not licking her engorged clitoris.
.
I need some questions to answer in next weeks introductory “ASK REVEREND CHAD”. If a few of you would be so kind.

2:13 pm January, 4 Chris Brown Note said...

Dear Reverend Chad, I have a friend who brags about his penis size on the internet. Like a lot. Is this normal? I think he’s insecure and overcompensating. How do I approach him about it without coming off sounding like a total dick? Thank you for your time.

2:15 pm January, 4 Dickie Fingers said...

I would guess there are going to be some questions about those vitamins.

2:15 pm January, 4 ehcuodouche said...

Using Sarah Jessica Horseface could not have been coincidental. And how embarrassing must it be to be the person who got beat up by two Oompa Loompas? Apparently they were up for a little of the ultraviolence doopity-doo.

2:30 pm January, 4 DarkSock said...

As for U.S.P. Pear…I have a large package I’d like her to handle as a rear delivery.

2:40 pm January, 4 Tanath said...

I used to work at FedEx back in the day. It did not look like that. UPS paid more too…

2:49 pm January, 4 jonezy said...

Dear Reverend Chadwick von LargeCockenStein,
.
It is 1am at the bar. The overly talkative, mostly overweight, but slightly pretty faced Jewess is clearly ready to go home with you and show you how Kippurs get Yomed. But you spot, once again, the hotly Hott at the next table giving you the Mayan Eye of Coitus for the more than onceth time.
.
Do you go with the certainty of the bird in hand, or try for the two hole with no bush at the next table, risking a conclusion of solitude?

3:09 pm January, 4 THEONETRUEDOUCHE said...

Always trade up! A man is never truly alone when he has his hand and a memory and some lotion or cooking oil and a porn DVD or an old Victoria Secret catalog your ex left behind when she moved out because you said her sister was hot when she asked you why you were banging her at her grandfathers wake when in hindsight you could have went for the threesome sister taboo had you only said, she was distraught and you were there to comfort them in the time of need.

3:13 pm January, 4 I R A Darth Aggie said...

I’ve never been a big fan of seafood, but I think I’ll have to give it a try. In my bunk.

3:14 pm January, 4 THEONETRUEDOUCHE said...

Now that I I have broken my stare from the boobs it seems she is not interested in the stingray as much as the brother who is sticking his finger up her thong as her dad peers on with a look of disgust. Needless to say Captain Jack’s Swin with the Rays Excursion was not tipped well that day, unless you count rectal digital manipulation.

3:38 pm January, 4 Et Tu Douche? said...

Mmmmm……….U.P.S. Pear

3:46 pm January, 4 Et Tu Douche? said...

ASK REVEREND CHAD™ is gonna be a game changer. I can see lots of laughter, tears, rage, frivolous law suits, divorces, assaults etc; as a result it can’t miss. However the true genius will be that he ONLY gets to answer the questions when its late at night. That’s when he’s at his best and by best I mean sober and by sober I mean out of his mind.

3:46 pm January, 4 Et Tu Douche? said...

I gots lots a respect for that Stingray, he sure knows what he’s doing.

4:12 pm January, 4 The Dude said...

UPS Pear – *If it fits, it ships!* Don’t worry, babe, it’ll fit!

4:44 pm January, 4 FredN. said...

Dear Reverend Chad,
You seem like a righteous dude who has it all figured out. Your wife works while you kick back and get your stone on. Also it seem like you rack up a lot of strange on the side unbeknownst to her. All this and raising two beautiful daughters at the same time. What are your secrets so that I may impart them to my sons who only have my monogomous job holding down borefest ass as a role model.
Teach me Kimosabe,
FredN.

4:51 pm January, 4 Steve said...

That dog isn’t sad because he saw a llama gangbang…He’s sad because he can’t unsee it.

5:05 pm January, 4 Vin Douchal said...

The Largeman Twins, Vernon from Accounts Receivable and Benard from Shipping rejoice in a legitimate reason to stare at her tramp stamp. Yay!
Stingrays!

5:14 pm January, 4 hermit said...

I’m thinking Rev Chad is going to be like the new Dr. Phil.

6:10 pm January, 4 FredN. said...

Fuck Fake FredN.
.
-FredN.

6:39 pm January, 4 UFO Destroyers said...

Too easy: What can her brown eye do for you?

7:46 pm January, 4 DarkSock said...

I’m thinking Rev Chad is going to be like the new Dr. Phil-Good.

8:37 pm January, 4 Et Tu Douche? said...

I’m thinking Rev Chad is going to be like the new Leon Phelps

8:41 pm January, 4 The Dude said...

I’m thinking Rev Chad is going to be like the new Mike Meyers

8:42 pm January, 4 The Dude said...

I’m thinking Rev Chad is going to fix the clock on the site. I will miss posting 35 minutes in the furtue

9:03 pm January, 4 DoucheyWallnuts said...

What can Brown do for you? Well for me, it gives me a renoB.

9:07 pm January, 4 DoucheyWallnuts said...

So this will be my last, long thread post for a while as I’m gonna be writin’ a regular gig from now on, and the boss says I gotta keep it short and sweet and a little more focused with not so much profanity but still shit about banging dames and all a that other jazz.
.
Wallnuts After Dark will start soon. But for now…
.
So there was this little business the Gambinos used to run out of a fancy neighborhood on the Upper West Side of Manhattan back in the 50s and 60s where they taught their call girls how to be good at sex. It was like a Bang Boot Camp. 
.
They had this fancy brownstone building and in every room on every floor they taught these dames everything from how to give great skull and handers, to the secrets about the ass sex, pussy control and every other fuckin kinda sex thing you could imagine. They called it “The House,” it was the Harvard of Sex Ed and every chick that came outta that place was a big earner to the family and was able to retire like a Queen after only 5-6 years on their backs. Then they went back and taught the next crop of skirts what they knew.
.
One a the crew members, a guy named Mousey Amalfitano, came up with the idea to bring his Goomada for the sex lessons and then all the guys started doin it. Then they started chargin money so their friends could bring their Gooms and before long guys was bringin their wives to learn about the sex, too. We was makin tons a shcarole and gettin incredible lays to boot. To boot, I says.
.
It was simple. Drop the dame off at the door on a Friday afternoon, tell the gals what you wanted them to do and when you picked the dame up Sunday she was ready to take it in the ass, give primo skull, go at it with another broad, you name it. Madon, whatta racket! It got to the point where the Family had over ten a these places just in Manhattan.
.
The first guy in the crew to bring his wife to The House was Angie “The S” Cucci. He was called The S because everything was plural when he talked even when the circumstance was singular. So, “Honey, how about some head?” became, “Honeys, how abouts some heads?” and so on…
.
So The S brings in his wife, Carmela, and she comes out like a wild fuckin animal.  After he took her home he says, “Wallnuts,” he says, “It used to be it tooks me tree reruns of ‘The Honeymooners’ and tree fingers up hers ass and quim befores I gets her off. Now shes hops onto my joints and screams like a banshees and comes befores Ralph says, “Honeys I’m homes.” He was happy, to say the least, and the rest was history. Quim, he says.
.
So the Hollywood crew was all over this idea and so we set up a West Coast version of The House out in Pacific Pallisades in a beach house. Forget about the pros, all the Hollywood starlet-types was all kindsa into it. These broads was already ahead of the pack when it came to the sex, and when this new gig hit town they was all over it like ugly on Ernest Borgnine.
.
The first famous dame I seen in the West Coast House was a young Ann-Margaret. Madon, did she know how to wield the schmeckle! Wield the schmeckle, I says. She almost near killed Elvis one time when they was filmin “Viva Las Vegas” and we had to call the paramedics one night in Palm Springs when Sinatra tried to pull off what they called, “The Mexican Basket Fuck.” 
.
Once word got out amongst the dames and the studio heads, the mob had more horny broads on their hands than we could shake our schvantzes at. And we could shake our schvantzes at a lot. To this day, these places are still up and runnin. How do you think the porn business got so big? You know what I’m sayin, Cool Breeze?

9:12 pm January, 4 The Dude said...

I need to do more snorkeling.

9:19 pm January, 4 The Dude said...

Mexican Basket Fuck? Holy mother of that dipshit that kept sayin’ “I just bang bitches and drink”!

10:04 pm January, 4 Dr. Eve Summers said...

The dog is sad because he wasn’t born a stingray banging hot tourists in the tropics but is instead a llama herding dog in the wet snow. Cheer up snowy dog, at least you are not the fourth animal down in that all male llama daisy chain.

6:54 am January, 5 Chris in 'Baghdad said...

Walnuts, I don’t know how you do it. But you always do it.

8:02 am January, 5 Dickie Fingers said...

Great story Wallnuts. Now Is gonna go wipes my schantzes on the drapes.

8:26 am January, 5 Charles Douchewin said...

Happy New Year you dickish bunch (as the Baron might say)!
I’ve returned on a sojourn from the states only to humbly learn I’ve been inducted into the hallowed Hall of Mock, AND Leah the Mulatto is here, in Guelph! (but also Mongor). AND HCwDB is becoming a mutating, evolving community-supported entity. And by community-supported I mean DB1′ll probably be doing more work to edit the Rev’s posts than actually creating content himself. But it’ll be well worth it. At least for us. And a semi-weekly Wallnuts joint!
.
I wish to nominate Vin Douchal for a spot called “The week in Milfs”, “The wide world of Milfs” or even “Douchal’s Believe It, or Milfs”.
.
Lastly, in regards to the above photo. The skate’s behavior is completely normal – they’re bottom feeders after all. And this one has good taste.

9:02 am January, 5 JustMC said...

“Take a hike Little Miss Muffintops, this is STINGRAY City–with Titty City we never eat free again.”

9:32 am January, 5 Wheezer said...

I keep thinking UPS Pear has been here before. Maybe it’s because I just want to believe it…..

9:45 am January, 5 JustMC said...

I think this crossed all our minds…

http://img7.imageshack.us/img7/7084/hcwdbsstingray6.jpg

10:06 am January, 5 Reverend Chad's Remote Hotspot Location said...

@Douchey
.
Hilarious.

@JustMC
.
We can use your skills around here. That’s funny Son.

10:17 am January, 5 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Joey Baganipples on the left there is a real renoB kill.

11:01 am January, 5 JustMC said...

@Rev. Chad

Thanks man. I really wanted chin pubes, but couldn’t figure how to work it in. (Perhaps because I was shooting coke out my nose over Angie “The S.”)

11:32 am January, 5 creature said...

I believe snorkel hott has cherubic ass cheeks implanted on her chest

11:57 am January, 5 Dr. Eve Summers said...

does anyone know if she is quartasian?

12:17 pm January, 5 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Dear Rev Chad
How does your technique differ for eating ass versus your basic, go-to cunnilingus technique? Also, do you Emily any kind of cleanliness and/or grooming safety check before you venture down below?

Finally, have you ever encountered a Vagina Dentata?
http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=MgHN1GvF40I&desktop_uri=/watch?v=MgHN1GvF40I

12:18 pm January, 5 DoucheyWallnuts said...

^ replace Emily with ever…GD correct type….

12:26 pm January, 5 FresH. said...

@JustMC, Nah, bro. She is quartlatina. Anything but 100%white. Cuz, you know, that would be boring. I need exotic chicks bro, to make me forget that I’m from Akron Ohio.

2:34 pm January, 5 Vin J Douchal said...

I always Emily my pubes and oil my taint prior to getting my salad tossed by the little Thai massage girl. “Happy ending, ten dorrar maw”

5:18 pm January, 5 douchenozzle said...

I am pretty sure skate bait Betty is quartasian probably the result of some stray jizz left by a GI somewhere in the Phillipines.

5:55 pm January, 6 Wheezer said...

I keep returning to lust after UPS Pear and Zebrakini Hott’s orange Dreamsicle boobies. I know I’m not alone.

7:41 pm January, 6 DarkSock said...

schvantzes, he said…

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