Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Mr. Biggs Mourns the Death of His Namesake, Ronnie Biggs (RIP)

Long time ‘bag hunter Mr. Biggs, stalker of the Stokke, writes in with a eulogy for the actual Mr. Biggs, longtime fugitive from the great train robbery, Ronnie Biggs.

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Ronnie Biggs was best known for his infamous British train heist in 1963, where he and his gang made off with about $50 million in today’s currency.

Ronnie Biggs, you will be missed. I doff my fedora to you, with outstretched index and middle fingers.

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A Whole Lotta Boing

With a little Faulkner thrown in for good measure.

Bowzer Wins the Pear Lottery

Proving yet again that to score the beach ladies you don’t need a job, a car, or even the ability to form words with more than one syllable. You just need to own various sundry water equipment.

And by various sundry water equipment, I mean Bowzer’s secret stash of choloform soaked beer cozies.

Reader Mail: Some people at the beach

Reader Kevin works out some issues:

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From: Kevin G.

This guy on the left is a real winner right here, he goes by the name Roach, no joke! He has some half ass tattoo studio and thinks he’s hot shit, HES GOT A FACE FOR RADIO!!!!

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It pleases me to no end to know that in today’s constantly updating/trending/morphing ephemeral digital culture, the classic “he’s got a face for radio” insult remains a viable insult.

James Franco Plays a Douchebag in a Movie, Lobbies for an Academy Award

The circle of self-reflexive performance art douchebaggery is almost complete.

Hollywood lightweight James Franco is doing his best to lobby for an Academy Award nomination for playing longtime HCwDB nemesis Riff Raff in a movie directed by that kid who wrote Kids.

A movie so beholden to douche mock, it even featured cameos by the douche twins from Atlanta whose name on the site I have blocked from my conscience.

I ranted on this once already, so I will spare you my anti-bromides a second time.

Howver, ironic douchebaggery as performance based on ironic douchebaggery as lifestyle continues to perform the paradoxical stais of life in our funhouse hall of mirrors post-spectacle intertextual media landscape.

Or, to put it even more succinctly, Menomena.

The Grinch That Fondled Christmas

Ironic holiday herpsters molesting Christine’s Santas make the baby Tebus want to frankincense his mur.

John Largeman Gets His Christmas On

At the beginning of the evening, John Largeman had five nieces.

Reader Mail: Sara Defends Kevin Hu

Last week we posted this wonky pic of Kevin Hu rebelling against his parents and hitting on Yoshiko.

Sara writes in with a Performative Leniency defense:

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This guy is a break-dancer named Hok- he was on a couple of reality dance shows a few years ago, and now he dances for LMFAO. On the shows he always seemed like a pretty nice guy, not douchey at all- not that dancing for LMFAO is guinine, but I think money in dancing is kinda hard to come by.

He should get a nottadouche pass for a performance clause.

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Dammit. Hoised on my own Performance Leniency clause.

Theatricality that may appear douchey is sometimes forgiven if theatricality is called for, that is true. For instance, Gene Simmons is nottadouche when dressed up for Kiss, but isadouche when acting like, well, Gene Simmons.

But for Kevin? Not in service of impressing Yoshiko.

Sorry, Sara. None shall pass.

Clown Larry

Evil Yellow Sunball has been around. Back in the 70s, EYS did blow off a rhinoceros’s balls with Marienne Faithful to protest the Khmer Rouge.

So Evil Yellow Sunball knows what’s up.

And Evil Yellow Sunball knows that there’s a Clown Larry at every party.

The bro with not enough to say, but too much energy to say it.

A douche in every pot, if you will.

Semitic Shoshanna is today’s victim.

Tomorrow? It could be you.

Joe Has Arm Fungus And A Shirt That Doesn't Fit

Bethany’s bosoms are reacting to Joe in the only way they know how.