Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Happy ‘Bagoween!!

Ah, yes. The spectacular Pimpbag and his Gaggle of Woo.

Even the leniency of spectacle on this Hallow’s Eve is not enough to excuse douche essence.

Let this post be a shout-out to all ‘bag hunters and huntresses still occasionally dropping in on this creaky bloggy legacy of a previous internet age now banished to myth and legend.

No matter how much Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter take away the authentic voice in favor of a stream of carefully calibrated clickbait stim, HCwDB will remain in its purest form.

I may not post all that often these days. But your humb narrs is still wandering around this vast digital wasteland.

Still horrified at the vacuous state of digitally lubricated party insanity that transforms us into walking billboards of inconspicuous consumption.

Douchebags and party woo hotts may have sublimated their spectacle. But the choadspoo continues to spew like a load of rotting scrotal toad.

The ‘bag/hott dialectics rot the core of spiritual progress that all generations must necessarily undertake. Or abdicate, to the tragic detriment of all.

Enjoy the Hallow’s Eve and all wherefore to come as we head into the days of Turkey and Jesus. But carry on the mock for all to see the enlightment that oh so often penetrates the fog of an overstimulated, exhausted, frantic neutron dance decimated by too much media crotch fondle and not enough clarity.

Gawker Flies Its Freakademic Flag, Tries to Summarize ‘Douchebag’

Some pseudo-intellectual warghlebarghle ‘culture’ critic named Michael Mark Cohen over at Gawker has attempted to write the history of ‘douchebag’ in popular use.

His conclusion? The term ‘douchebag’ has become a variation of a socially acceptable ethnic insult. To call someone a douchebag is, according to this pop culture Nostradamus, a coded way to racialize whiteness.

Allow me to retort.

A douchebag says no.

Critiquing the term douchebag on ethnic terms ignores the far more obvious and self-evident gender binary taking place. The perjorative context of ‘douchebag’ lies entirely in its critique of masculine ego by referencing a feminine hygiene product. To try to relocate this obvious gender interplay as a template for racial power embedded in media artifacts is to overdetermine meaning based on pre-established crotch fondle.

Let me repeat. No.

Douchebag is not a code for whiteness. It has never been used that way. If you want to project some idiotic screed on racial hierarchies and linguistic subtext onto a concept you don’t understand, I suggest entering the rarified air of Lena Dunham think pieces and Miley Cyrus twerking deconstructions. I hear Commentary and Dissent have merged to form low paying clickbait troll spew.

Ascribing douchemock to race to heat up the outrage machine and you’re just phishing for pixel chum. And no, I’m not referring to a 1990s noodle jazz fusion band that never should have left Vermont. I’m referring to an outdated mode of ethnicity studies that can’t account for convergence culture.

How do I know what ‘douchebag’ means? Because I’m the guy that redefined it back in 2006. Back then it meant either a feminine hygiene product or a rarely used insult akin to asshole. In its redefinition, douchebaggery became a term used to describe a certain type of preening hyper-masculinity. The point at which human males (and certain females) transformed into Michaelbay-ian cyborgian explosions of cartoonish idiocy and narrative incoherence. All in an effort to get the ladies by turning their bodies into neon day-glo advertisements and pop culture tinsel.

I needed a word to describe male spectacle in the age of over-saturated media stimulation. And I found it.

But there was barely a tip of the hat to the importance of HCwDB in Gawker’s rambling unthinkpiece. If you’re gonna break down the ‘bag and you don’t credit Hot Chicks with Douchebags, you’re talking out of your proverbial Foucauldian peeper steeper.

The facts is the facts. The HCwDB community is what introduced ‘douche’ analysis to contemporary discourse. Not just me. All the regs in the comments threads over the years. We parsed douchebaggery in all its hottie/douchey dialectical formulations.

Heck, I even wrote a book on the subject. So I know of what I speak. At least when it comes to frivolous colloquialisms written as satirical mock.

So put down that Fanon and Chomsky, digi-media whore, and come back to the realities of the pop culture pizza. Sometimes a slice of mushroom and roasted red peppers is just a slice of mushroom and roasted red peppers. Especially when it tans and shaves and rubs its pecs with various sundry bodylotions in the hope of attracting a party chick woo hottie.

Them’s the post-structural Derridian deconstruction. Put that in Freud’s cigar and smoke it.

So let it be written. So let it be done.

TL;DR EDIT: For those of you coming to Hot Chicks with Douchebags for the first time via that Gawker article, Gawker is the sucky. You can read the real history of the sordid, complex introduction of douchebaggery as mock in the history of Hot Chicks with Douchebags, my last daily post on this site, written last February.

Reader Mail: Military ‘Bag Hunter carries on the Good Fight

An old friend of HCwDB checks in:

——
Good day to you DB1!

Regards
Military Bag Hunter
——

Good to hear from you again, MBH, and let me offer you a hearty salute and welcome home. I am pleased as Ponch to see you bring the good douchemock to the heart of Trashbaggery on the legendary Jerry Springer Show.

I am also heartened to see the legacy of douchebag mock continue to reverberate in many ways, forms, and wherefores.  Now that you’re home safe and sound, MBH, may all of your hotts be of the purest of suckle thigh. And may the grease taint of rankbaggery wash easily off your hands when your work tossing Springerbags is done.