Hardy
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Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Pukeface McAsshole McSucksalot McIhatethisguy
Even the Bleethy Ed Hardy wearing barely legal Bleethette cannot mitigate my contempt for Pukeface McAsshole McSucksalot McIhatethisguy.
For his is the mediocrity of which nugat draws its strength from.
And yes, I know what you’re thinking. Nugat is delicious.
It is.
But nugat is still just mass produced generi-toffee. And while it gives both Twix and Snickers its bursts of joy, it still draws from a well of assembly line suckage. And so the analogy stands, even if Nugat is delicious.
That’s my argument and I’m sticking to it.
Thursday, June 20, 2013The Long Overdue Death of Ed Hardy
Speaking of famous deaths, we’ve been tracking the rise, saturation, douche pollution, and eventual decline of the worst and most garish of Douche offenders, Ed Hardy. And no, I do not mean the actual Ed Hardy (pictured here). I mean the brand. Created by this guy.
Now we cheer as this overpriced tatt/t-shirt hybrid monstrosity recedes, finally, into the past. Whereas once Ed Hardy and Christian Audiger fought over douchal profits, they now go their separate ways. A cultural blight akin to the 1917 influenza outbreak, Smallpox, and Hitler, slowly meets its demise.
I can’t help but feel our work here at HCwDB has done good for the universe when the New York Post writes an article about the douchification of Ed Hardy. Sure, a link or credit to HCwDB would be nice when articles read like I wrote them. But I’ve long since given up hoping for credit from fellow writers. Apparently if it’s live performance it’s yours forever, but if it’s on the internet, anyone can repeat it as their own! Them’s the rules of the internet age.
But lets be clear about this.
No, DListed and Yahoo, Jon Gosselin did not kill Ed Hardy. HCwDB, and the regs who brought the mock for so many years, did. There, I said it. I take pride in my life’s work, and all of your contributions to the cultural shift.
Saturday, January 12, 2013Reader Mail: Ed Hardy Heading to the Trash heap of History
Ed Hardy Har Har! writes in with a report from the front:
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Subject: Hardy Trash Heap!
My offices are located in the warehouse part of downtown Vegas (i.e. where all the strip clubs are). Story was the adjacent warehouse was rented by the fine folks from Christian Audigier.
Not too much went on there, except once a month or so, you’d hear the sound of a large mosquito or a small lawnmower outside the warehouse and some piece of crap Honda would pull up and a Circus AssClown Car would pull up and unload a DoucheSquad who would rustle around and then take off a few minutes later.
Then on New Year’s Eve, a helluva racket out in the parking lot. Looked out and the DoucheGaggle were throwing mannequins and “Hardly” paraphenelia across the parking lot in the general direction of the garbage can.
When there was finally silence, I went out to investigate. I knew I had to capture the scene for HCwDB. I’m pretty sure that picture #2 is a still life destined for the Guggenheim.
Best moment? When the local homeless guy who pushes his shopping cart around the neighborhood trash pickin’ rolled up, and says “What is this stuff?” And leaves without taking ANYTHING!
Ed Hardy Har Har
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We are winning.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012The Scourge of Affliction
Sure they’ve gone from selling for $149 in boutique stores with obnoxious names like “Pure” and “Zigg” to “Two for $14.99” at Ross-Dress-for-Less, but Affliction still plagues our culture like a rain of tree frog pestilence.
On Fratboy Ralph and his Drunk Sidebro Syd, the pestilence remains smelly poo.
Mmmm… Kelly’s vibrant and healthy projectorial mamm pillows beckon for sleep and applause.
Friday, September 7, 2012Undies-Poke Ramon Bothers Jennifer
Although it’s hard to say which douchetribute of Undies-Poke Ramon bothers Jennifer more. Is it the ridiculous undies-poke?
The Ed Hardy faux sleeve tatt?
Or the fact that Undies-Poke Ramon gives the camera the same “tough guy” glare in every pic?
Jennifer’s taut milkshake leg suckle paddles the Baby Tebus with a hopeful swat.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012What Happens to the Hot Chick at an Overcrowded Music Festival
She gets surrounded and prodded by overzealous Bennington undergrads.
Ubiquitous Red Cup angrily, but without breaking zen state, does not approve.
Monday, January 23, 2012Uncle Hardy Approves of the HCwDB of the Week
Frankly, Uncle Hardy’s just glad to get out of the house now that the ankle-monitor’s been removed.
Paid-to-Pose Katrina has six credits to go on her nursing degree. So don’t blame her for the simmering rage she displays at her lot in life. For Uncle Hardy smells like burned wood chips and tapioca.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011Ed Sucky
The very idea that this transcendent blonde suckle thigh who has gifted us with vision of taut glutes and orgiastic bongo celebration would commingle, even for a second, with Ed Sucky’s toxic, amorphous, societal pollutant of a corpus, is enough to make a lone bonobo monkey in the rain forest smack his breast and wail in anguish for the pointlessness of natural selection.
Monday, October 17, 2011Marty Moocow and Frisky Marissa Voted in the HCwDB of the Month
Still smarting after losing the HCwDB of the Week, and by smarting I mean stupiding, Marty Moocow and Frisky Marissa decided to be good sports, and by good sports I mean garish blights on a collapsing culture, and stop by to vote in the HCwDB of the Month.
And if you think that’s a run-on sentence, try reading McSweeneys sometime.
Or better yet, don’t.
However I’m pleased to see a tattoo of noted mathematician and influential computer theorist Alan Turing on Marty Moocow’s forearm. Respek.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011Happy Mitch Is In Over His Head
Happy Mitch did what he was told.
He bought the most garish Ed Hardy crapfests he could find.
He put ’em on.
He grew out what facial fung he could (none).
He tilted the Hardy Hat to a properly douchebaguous 30DHT.
Now Happy Mitch finds himself dancing to Dangermouse with Quality Suckle Spank Pooch Amelia and the poor dude is lost.
Sorry Happy Mitch. You seem like a nice guy. But Suckle Spank Pooch Amelia’s butt requires quality pooch suckle. And you have chosen the Hardy Path. So you are not worthy.
